Keeping You Down in Ridiculous Ways

Some companies have traditions in place for things like anniversaries. You know, “Mr. Tongue-Down-Pants has been with the company for five years, let’s get everyone in the conference room, order in sub-standard catering and the CEO can talk bullshit for twenty minutes about dedication.”

After the talk everyone gets to eat mediocre cookies, warm fruit plates and drink iceless Diet Coke, while Mr. Tongue-Down-Pants is presented with a gift of appreciation for his time with the company.

And he stands, beaming in the middle of the floor, opening the rather corporate looking packaging, so sterile it looks like it was decontaminated beforehand, although the paper probably cost $30 a sheet from some high end designer store, while gushing about the honor bestowed upon him. And when the wrapping is off he holds up…a stuffy leather portfolio folder with his initials embossed on the front and his grin gets wider and he says “Gosh…thanks a lot!” while his glazed, glued-on expression is screaming, “What the fuck am I supposed to do with this shit, where is the $500 gift voucher to J Crew and my Yankees season ticket you fuckwads?”

And so begins another year of disillusion.

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5 Responses to “Keeping You Down in Ridiculous Ways”

  1. pistols at dawn Says:

    It’s kind of sad that the gifts your workplace gives you shows how little they know about you. “Wow, my initials on a folder. Yup, that’s definitely the kind of thing I like. I don’t speak Italian, follow the Mets, or hug my kids. I just have lots of papers that I’d like to keep in something with my monogram on it.”

  2. Bert Bananas Says:

    I lived in New Jersey for two years, the last year in Asbury Park, where we rented the upstair unit from Sam Siciliano, a made man in the Graviano mafia family. If we were one day late with the rent, he was in my face and fuckwad was every third word. Thanks for bring it all back to me…

  3. The Guv'ner Says:

    I just assumed they were doing their bit for society by employing retarded people to do the gift buying. I mean to spend such a ridiculous sum on something so blatantly useless is really yet another way for a company to state “WE OWN YOUR ASS”. Thankfully I never made the five year mark at that company and was spared the leather embossed hell! 🙂

  4. The Guv'ner Says:

    Bert – I apologize profusely for making you relive the whole nasty mafia period of your life. Maybe I’ll stick with “dickwad” from here on in, or maybe “hellcunt” a recent favorite. Well unless you had a landlord who called you a hellcunt in which case, WHAT A PSYCHO!

  5. pistols at dawn Says:

    I wish I could keep the rights to my ass. They could have my left scapula, and maybe even a tibia or two, but my ass I’d like to keep.

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