And You Think YOU’RE the Loser…

I once had a pain-in-the-ass female boss who made me draw up a breast milk delivery schedule. It was a complex business, full of color coding, a complicated rota system of players to track, receive and deliver the milk to her home in Connecticut and a relationship so close, with a poor FedEx rep in Memphis, that we were almost obligated to celebrate her birthdays.

Boss lady, you see, had a baby via a surrogate, in the lovely state of California and after the baby’s birth, she had the surrogate pack her breast milk in bags daily, freeze it, cram it into a FedEx container with a wad of dry ice and ship the stuff to our office in New York.

Every. Freaking. Day.

The schedule documented how much milk was being sent (bags and ounces and probably viscosity and maybe hue and definitely what vitamins it consisted of and its boiling and freezing temperatures and probably its chemical make-up), in what sort of container and how much the surrogate projected would be sent the day after. There was, very briefly, a column at the end of the spreadsheet (complete with relevant formulae) which projected how many days of this batshit insane nonsense it would take before I emptied my 401K, bought a Glock and shot myself in the head.

Naturally, this whole shipping milk thing was a recipe for disaster since packages on occasion have the habit of not showing up where and when they are supposed to, or in the condition you expect them to. On these occasions, normally weekends, they show up two days late, at your apartment, after two whole days of having no life because you’ve been on the phone tracking them down (you try telling FedEx you’re searching for some AWOL breast milk and see how far you get), totally thawed-out and leaking all over your kitchen floor where your cats try to eat them.

I don’t care what you do for a living, documenting and tracking breast milk should never be part of your job description.

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8 Responses to “And You Think YOU’RE the Loser…”

  1. katrocket Says:

    This is shocking – but perhaps to clarify: was this all happening around a business environment, or did some lazy career mom hire you solely to deal with her transcontinental milk problem?

    Because I would have reported that bitch for gross misuse of company resources (namely, a “subordinate employee”). I’m not usually a tattle-tale kinda gal, but this is one of the craziest things I’ve ever heard. And I temped for several years and did some outrageous things for some lunatic bosses. (This is just one reason why I love your blog so much – it’s so funny because it’s all so true.)

    Maybe things are kinda backwards up here in Canada, but breast milk, and in fact, all things breast-related, would be considered “personal” in nature, and not something that corporate employees, either full-time or temp, should be doing on the clock.

    Then again, it sounds like you have worked for the world’s most insufferable cunts.

  2. The Guv'ner Says:

    Honest to God, the woman was an entity unlike anyone I have ever met before. Sort of like Anna Wintour on steroids. And this was in an office environment where I was supposed to be executive assistants (one of SIX assistants mind you!). The whole story was ludicrous – I once live journaled it in its entirety because it was so damn unbelievable but this is the bare bones of the milk thing. I spent weeks tracking and monitoring on a spreadsheet, the movement cross country, of frozen breast milk. For real. As she was CEO of the company no one really had much recourse when it came to pointing out the misuse of company funds for this little project. Did I mention the company paid for this daily shipment? Ha! 🙂

  3. katrocket Says:

    Sigh. I’ve always despised women who treat babies like accessories or commodities. In light of this new information, I hate this CEO woman more than ever before.

  4. The Guv'ner Says:

    I will never understand the woman’s demand that we buy designer outfits for the babies (plural, she had two via surrogate) either. I mean it’s a baby. It vomits like we breathe air. She’d spend hundreds on cute little sailor dresses and stuff she could boast about with her ‘ladies who lunch’ crowd. Very sad.

  5. pistols at dawn Says:

    I remember you telling me this tale awhile back, and my jaw still drops at the assholitude it displays.

    What’s hilarious is that she’ll come home, look at the already-sleeping kid who’s been cared for by “the help” all day, then tell those friends how tough raising kids is.

    And also: who tracks a kid like it’s a business expense? And who outsources their kids, presumably because her womb was too busy? When the hired help are having your children for you, the world needs to hit the “reset” button.

  6. The Guv'ner Says:

    Honestly, you are spot on. She had two babies nine months or so apart, via surrogates. Both are like little tiny accessories in their designer clothing. She has nannies (plural) for each child, large house staff in each of her three houses and really only sees the kids when they’re playing as the staff take care of everything else.

    The reason she had the kids via surrogate I think, in her defense, was she was in her late 40s at the time and had frozen her eggs earlier after a bout with cancer, so I’m not sure she would have been capable of having them naturally even if she was younger. Still she was a grade A bitch so we’ll ignore that fact..

  7. pistols at dawn Says:

    Don’t you humanize her and make my mean stereotype fall apart. That’s what her staff is for.

  8. The Guv'ner Says:

    I don’t know WHAT I was thinking. she isn’t human. Not even a little tiny bit. I can attest to this. She is an alien overlord of nasty.

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