1. Just because a communal printer needs paper does not mean I have to be the one fill it. You have arms, fill the fucker yourself, you self-righteous, fresh from college little snot.
  2. Coffee? Do I look like a waitress to you?
  3. Just what is it that our in-house restaurant is serving that is causing the ladies’ room, at 2:30 p.m. every afternoon, to smell like the entire Eastern Seaboard took a monumental dump all at the same time, spritzed it with perfume and left it to brew in a steam of its own vapors?
  4. So basically, you had me pull strings and cajole with a haughty Frenchman to get you a reservation at Hot New Restaurant and now, two minutes before the reservation you are asking me to cancel? I have a novel idea. You call the place and have some temperamental Gallic madman yell at you for a change, asswipe.
  5. I WILL NOT DO AN EXPENSE REPORT FOR A BOTTLE OF AQUAFINA. I wouldn’t even expense a bottle of water and I don’t make six figures a year. Well, OK, I do, it’s just that most of mine come after the decimal point.
  6. Anything involving your laundry does not technically fit into my job description.
  7. So let me get this straight;

    a) You earn almost a quarter million bucks a year?

    b) You had a nice, expensive, exclusive meal with your wife and neighbor (who also earns a nice hugely insulting salary) at a top city restaurant and you want me to bill a client for it?

    c) You also want to expense the gas your car used getting to the restaurant and the bridge tolls?

    d) WTF?


8 Responses to “Today…”

  1. katrocket Says:

    a most excellent poem! Could you have somehow sent it anonymously? – like the IM you sent to that boss by accident. So funny – the last two lines are brilliant.

  2. The Guv'ner Says:

    I have fantasized long and hard over anonymously sending ALL SORTS of stuff since leaving that place. The only one I have actually done is send a letter on specially Photoshopped letterhead announcing that Mr. Panty-Waist ex boss had won a “Giant Asshole of the Year” award. I hope he liked it! If such an award existed he would totally get it!

  3. pistols at dawn Says:

    I am always amazed by the callousness and greed of corporate America. It’s how I know I’ll never make it there, mostly because the instant I realized I was on that road, I’d crash my car and take out as many jerkwads as I could.

  4. The Guv'ner Says:

    This is precisely why I’ve stuck to admin stuff and not gone up the corporate ladder. I hate the whole corporate system. I have no respect for it. At least this way I can do what I have to do and at 5pm I get to leave and go home and not think about it again till next day. I don’t want any more involvement than that.

  5. pistols at dawn Says:

    You never want to get involved. You’re so distant. And not just because you live in a different state.

    The problem with staying in admin: you’ll always be surrounded by these collective f-wads making your annual salary during a written-off two hour lunch. That’s why I’m going to smash the state for a living.

  6. The Guv'ner Says:

    Well this is why I’m only doing it until I hatch my evil plan for being a millionaire. Then I will pick off each and every ex-boss one-by-one in dramatic sniper style.

    In case the FBI are monitoring this, please know that’s a JOKE. Even Fox Mulder made them occasionally.

  7. pistols at dawn Says:

    Fox Mulder? You nerd.

  8. The Guv'ner Says:

    So I’m an X-Files freak BIG DEAL. Sniff.

    I have X-Files dolls. LOOK!

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