So Many Wannabes

While working at the small Manhattan PR firm where I spent several years gophering for various bosses, 90% of whom were outrageous tools, I performed a stint working for a skinny diva who thought the sun rose and set over her gargantuan ego. We called her JLO due to her Lopez-like ego and the fact her name was uncannily similar.

She joined the firm in April and by June she acted like she was running it. It should be noted that this ridiculous, whining wannabe was a junior staff member with several layers of title still hovering, out of reach, above her head. She was amazingly incompetent at the simplest little task, like using Word or Excel, saving documents to the company shared drive and ordering her own lunch. She would yell like her ass was on fire, into a speaker-phone rather than pick up the receiver and talk to a person. When out of the office she would call several times a day to check her plants had been watered. She deserved death by the most painful method permissible and in my deepest fantasies, she got it, frequently.

At the time I was working for Mr. Panty-Waist and an equally loathsome female EVP (who deserves her own entries later) and this new junior staff member was tacked on because she had no administrative support and was quite clearly incompetent of providing herself with any. She took this to mean she had a personal secretary who lived only to fulfill her every dream and to hell with everyone else. So I’d be working on a 100 slide PowerPoint deck for Mr. Panty-Waist and co. and she would call me to screech things like, “Can you order me a salad? Can you call around local shoe repair places to see if they can fix my heel? Can you call my estate agent and ask….”

That woman is lucky she wasn’t discovered bludgeoned to death in a ditch.

Here’s something I wrote at the time I worked for her to make myself feel better.

Dear J-LO,

I realize it must be difficult for you, being an ultra important executive with many ultra important decisions to make each day, like “Do I wear the Prada top with these shoes?” and “I wonder if I can rent a car this weekend and charge the company for it, and OH does that come in green?” – decisions all so stupendously huge and time consuming that they prevent you from either entering your own time in the web accessible timesheet, checking your own voice mail or picking up your phone. I have noticed, however, that you’re not too busy to sit in your office and blankly stare at it ringing. I’m sure it’s hard to multi-task such strenuous chores that require so much brain power at once. However, here are a few simple points I think you may like to take into consideration. Pay attention because some of the words used have more than one syllable:

  1. There are other people in the office besides you. I’m sure you haven’t noticed them since you continuously walk all over them. Maybe you left your glasses at home as well as your cell phone/brain/manners? Three of those people I provide support for, a fact which, I’m sure you’re not aware of, since you seem to think I have nothing better to do than run around after you, your plants and your inane wishes all day long.
  2. Boy, are you stupid! And you have no eyelashes. Go back to Mars, freak!
  3. Maybe you would like to take a short course in how to use Word, Excel and PowerPoint so that I don’t have to spend frustrating hours trying to correct documents that you started only to lose patience, screw up and attempt to blame me for.
  4. I’m sure our IT guys would be happy to put aside a half hour to show you how to save documents to our shared drive so that all we lesser mortals can access them when need be instead of recreating them from scratch at 6:30 p.m. for editing when we should be going home and you’re nowhere to be found.
  5. It’s flattering that you have all your workmen, friends and estate agents calling me at the office to give messages to you instead of maybe calling your cell phone, but I actually have other things to do that prevent me from sitting on my derriere at my desk all day waiting for your friends to call. Maybe you could, you know…don’t pass out or anything….deal with your personal life, YOURSELF?
  6. Perhaps you’d like to bend over so I can wipe your ass?
  7. I have a great idea. Why don’t you take a big step up and get over yourself.

Yeah. I liked her a lot.


7 Responses to “So Many Wannabes”

  1. pistols at dawn Says:

    Can you even differentiate between all the jerks at some point? It seems like a non-stop parade to me.

  2. The Guv'ner Says:

    In all honesty, almost everyone I’ve written about so far were at one company where I worked for several years. I worked, during that period for a number of people and since just about everyone at that company was dysfunctional and completely devoid of reality, I have so many stories. Plus it’s corporate America so you know…endless supply.

  3. katrocket Says:

    Question 1: Are you a masochist, or did you stay there for several years so you could collect all these awesome stories? Stuff like this made Lauren Weisberger (“The Devil Wears Prada”)a rich woman. And she’s a talentless hack. Your writing is fab.

    Question 2: Did she let you wipe her ass? Because girls like that usually like it when people pay lots of attention to their ass.

  4. The Guv'ner Says:

    You know miss Kat, I think I might be a masochist! At the time I don’t know what I was thinking…I know I was going through a depressed, lethargic sort of period where I think even looking for another job was pointless. It was the sort of job where you questioned your worth at every turn. Plus I had a few good years there before it all turned putrid and stench worthy. But in retrospect the amazingly flawed and stupid people I worked for there, gave me some interesting memories to look back on. One of my good friends still works there and I still get updates on all the players. Every day I am so glad that I got out and am now here, in a place that so far hasn’t made me seethe with loathing. 🙂 And thanks!

  5. The Guv'ner Says:

    Also…I may have been shit poor but no amount of moolah could have made me go anywhere NEAR her ass :):)

  6. pistols at dawn Says:

    I usually have “doesn’t make me seethe with loathing” as a basic job requirement for places I work.

    However, I could rethink that if my job involved hanging out around J-Lo’s back porch.

  7. The Guv'ner Says:

    It’s just that, the thing is, you don’t realize about the “seethe with loathing” thing until you’ve been there a while when it’s too late!

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