Jlo Rears Her Ugly Head

JLO…Rear….see what I did there?

It’s a slow day so I’ll just tell you this. Back when I was working for the horse’s ass known as “JLO” I composed the following letter for my own amusement. I’m pretty sure if she ever did write me a letter this would be pretty spot on. I found it in an old Live Journal entry.

You don’t water my plants enough. Just because I’m here doesn’t mean I am going to do it. I have stuff to do sitting at my desk looking at my feet. I have to clean my glasses, that kind of deal. In fact, if you could clean my glasses I’d appreciate it. Well, not appreciate it so much as expect it. Jump to it.

You may have noticed that I don’t know nothing about using a computer or indeed about double negatives. This is why you must do all my work for me. What’s the point in having an assistant if she doesn’t do stuff for me? Do you know a good long lasting mascara? Oh wait, I have no eyelashes.

Please compile me a list of how the fax machine operates. What numbers do I have to press to make it do that whistling noise it makes? Where does the paper go? How does my paper get to someone in Australia? Does it break into pieces and form again at the other end, like Mike TeeVee in ‘Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory’?

How do I turn my computer on? Is my email on it? Please ask the IT department for me as I need to know these details. Can I have a higher quality Internet and not just the standard one everyone else has? I have important things to do. And Saks Fifth Avenue dot com has a sale.

Get me flights for next week to somewhere on some day from someplace. Make sure they have my points number. I have a lot of points because I am special. Make sure they know.

Please find out if our office services guy can install a toilet in my office? I notice the office next door is free maybe they can convert that? And can he prise open the window in my office? My office smells like poon.

Please let me know how to make the little paper clip man disappear on my word processor, he is making disagreeable faces at me. Drop everything and take care of me NOW.


7 Responses to “Jlo Rears Her Ugly Head”

  1. pistols at dawn Says:

    Oh, the paperclip guy! That fucker never stops sassing you.

    “You look like you’re retarded. Would you like some help, or a picture of kittens?”

    By the way, “My office smells like poon” is a terrifying image for a reader. I imagine that job was a series of terrifying images for a worker. I feel that every day, your responses must have been versions of: “Really? You’re actually asking another human being to do this for you?”

  2. The Guv'ner Says:

    I don’t know, man. She just had the look of stench about her. It was her expression I think, like she was constantly smelling a turd. And I like the word POON. POON! :):) It was fairly hard to be civil to her. Just her voice would make me instantly want to kill someone. Her mainly. Plus she sat 20 feet from my cube yet still had to call me on speakerphone every ten seconds. Grrrr.

  3. pistols at dawn Says:

    I do that calling thing all the time, but usually the entirety of the conversation is:

    “Hey, this is ridiculous, huh?”


    “Okay, just wanted to make sure.”

    Also, “poon” is fun to say.

  4. katrocket Says:

    “oh wait, I have no eyelashes.” struck me as insanely funny. But watch out, I’m drunk.

    I also enjoy the word poon, and the look on people’s faces when you slip it into casual conversation. I also condone full-on use of the c-word that so many women seem to deplore. It’s all the rage in the UK, and just too funny not to use sometimes. Some cunts just don’t have a sense of humour.

  5. The Guv'ner Says:

    The “C” word is just rip roaringly funny when yelled with venom in a Cockney accent. It just is and there’s no debate. “You big fakking CAAAAAANT!”

    Honestly, Jlo right? NO BODY HAIR. no eyelashes, no eyebrows and I hate to think what else she lacked but hey. She also wore a wig for sure as one day it was strangely lopsided. I guess she had one of those hairless diseases.

  6. katrocket Says:

    Or perhaps she was really a Chinese Crested dog? That would explain so much.

  7. The Guv'ner Says:

    No I’m pretty sure she was merely a turd in a wig! 🙂

    That’s totally a disservice to the Chinese Crested Dog anyway.

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