Mr. Panty-Waist Creates a Black Hole of Suck

Mr. Panty-Waist had more annoying habits than a fat nun. Somewhere, in the dictionary, under “irritant” is a large, beaming photo of Mr. Panty-Waist, probably dressed in those terrifying khaki manpris and boat shoes he showed up in one summer Friday, bringing the whole of corporate America to a grinding halt and causing the Dow to drop two hundred points.

One of his more obvious deficiencies occurred every time he opened his mouth. Not only did he have a monotone that made David Duchovny sound like a perky cheerleader, but he liked to repeat himself over and over again until you could no longer suppress the enticing fantasy of battering him repeatedly on his unusually large noggin with a ball-peen hammer while screaming “DIE STINKING SHIT-MEISTER”, until his blood covered him, you, the walls and the whole of America.

One thing he liked a lot was to mention the name of the person he was talking to, approximately seventy times per ten minute conversation. I’m not sure if it was to remind himself who he was talking to since most of his thoughts concerned his own giant ego and he lost track easily, or if it was the teachings of some “Get the Best Out of Your Discussions” seminar, but whatever the reason, it was annoying as all hell.

He had phrases he would regurgitate ad nauseum, his most common being “In other words….”, “Am I making myself clear?” and “What I’m saying is…”. You could expect to hear those several trillion times during a conversation on the phone, sprinkled around liberally like pepper. He also liked to drop in official PR jargon in a manner that made you want to jump through the phone, clutch him by the throat and threaten to pull his entrails out of his nose.

This is the sort of conversation he would have. Try to strap your arms down to the chair before reading it because the urge to pound on something till it breaks will be unbearable.

Mr. Panty-Waist: So what I’m saying, Steve, is…we have to give this article some color, some color do you know what I’m saying? Am I making myself clear? What I’m saying is color is the feature we need to concentrate most on here Steve. In other words, Steve, there isn’t enough color and we need more of it, am I being clear? And if we are going to appeal to those stay-at-home-moms we need a new strategy Steve, because, quite frankly, the current strategy is…what I’m saying is…well it’s inadequate Steve and we need color, am I making myself clear on this point? A colorful strategy will make this whole campaign shine, am I making myself clear? In other words color? It’s what we need most. Steve, color will bring this alive. What I’m saying is without color, this strategy is just another strategy Steve, am I being clear on this?”

I always had visions of the party on the other end of the phone putting him on mute and shooting things as he spoke. Smack mainly. Maybe themselves in the kneecaps just to prove to themselves that they are still alive.

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7 Responses to “Mr. Panty-Waist Creates a Black Hole of Suck”

  1. Bert Bananas Says:

    It may just be an urban legend, but I’m told that Texas has a legal defense against a charge of premeditated murder, the, “But your honor, the sumbitch needed killing!” Followed by an explanation of what the deceased had done. The judge, after listening to the tale, would bang his gavel and announce, “Case dismissed!”

    So what I’m saying is that you need to get Mr. Panty-waist to take you along on a trip to Texas…

  2. The Guv'ner Says:

    Hot damn! I could have used that information three years ago Mr. Bananas! Maybe I could pass it along to his current assistant, however…

    Thank you! 🙂

  3. katrocket Says:

    are you sure this man wasn’t inspiration for a character in the movie “Office Space”? Or perhaps that TV show “The office”? I just can’t imagine how real people like this stay employed.

  4. The Guv'ner Says:

    I’ve had many a debate with other incredulous beings who’ve witnessed the man in “action” about the very same thing. How the HELL did he get to be a PARTNER when he’s like THAT?

    I still have no answer except “money”.

  5. katrocket Says:

    sometimes the answer to that is also “blackmail photos”

  6. The Guv'ner Says:

    I’d agree with that miss Kat, however, the man is so BORING I doubt he’s done a scandalous thing ever except oversleep every day and say he’s at the client’s. I’m pretty sure the only reason he has 2 kids is he paid some other guy to have sex with his wife.

  7. pistols at dawn Says:

    I still don’t get what he wanted Steve to do. I think that means I’m in line for a partnership.

    Unfortunately, I believe that partnership will not be there, but will be between the guv’ner’s foot and my ass.

    It will be short-lived, like all times when women touch me.

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