Small Tasks Mean Huge Brain Cell Suicide

Timeline of this afternoon that would induce a nun to buy a shotgun:

  1. Boss is going to airport for flight to Washington.
  2. Boss gets roped into last minute morning meeting and asks to change flight from a 1:00 p.m. flight to a 3:25 p.m. flight to accommodate this new, important meeting.
  3. New flight acquired, I call the small, local, no-name car company we are using to pick him up from the airport and distribute him, hopefully limbs intact, at the facility where he is meeting the client, in Baltimore. I inform them that his flight will now not be arriving until 4:52 p.m. Small no-name car company apologizes profusely as they are fully booked later in the afternoon as they only have two cars and cannot therefore do the pick-up.
  4. I get the name of another local company, call them, they are also fully-booked, “such short notice, blah blah blah”
  5. I call Carey Limousine who are a global organization who can get you anywhere, anytime in any city, no matter how obscure or invisible on a map. Since Baltimore is quite obvious on most maps, they agree they can do the pick-up, even though it’s only four hours notice. I make a note to kiss the first Carey rep. who has the misfortune to cross my path.
  6. Boss calls from airport. Apparently, there is “weather” afoot. Weather sufficient enough to delay most flights leaving the NYC metropolitan area and his flight, surprise surprise, is among the delayed. It now will not be leaving until 6:45 p.m. and landing close to 8:30 p.m. Thinking this a touch ridiculous, my boss tries to do something constructive and manages to get himself on another flight, with the same airline, that is scheduled to leave at 5 p.m. and arrive at BWI at 6:35 p.m. – a whole two hours earlier than his original delayed flight would have him there. Sensible huh?
  7. I call Carey again to inform them that flights are delayed and would get him in way too late at 8:30 so he is now on an earlier flight arriving at 6:35 p.m. and to give them his new flight number.
  8. Carey birth an elephant. Apparently this is not allowed. Apparently now, we will have to pay them as though his original flight still stood. In other words, we will have to pay them as though he was still landing at 4:52 p.m. and we would have to pay hourly rates from then until his new flight arrived at 6:35 p.m. plus whatever his trip costs and gratuities. Therefore we will have to pay them for two hours we are not actually using the car. Hmmmm.
  9. I tell Carey to park their sedan up their own back yard, if you get my drift. Actually, no, I didn’t, but it was tempting. I told them to cancel the car altogether because we weren’t paying their huge rates for 2 hours we weren’t going to use the car. They inform me that they certainly will cancel but they’ll also charge us $164 for the privilege because it’s within 2 hours of his original landing time (what???). Fuck me. If it’s costing me almost $200 to not use the goddamn car, I might as well keep the reservation and pay for the 2 extra hours as it works out the same. “You know…” the Carey rep told me scoldingly, “If he’d stayed on that original flight it would only cost the original trip cost as we don’t charge for airline delays!” “But, he caught an earlier flight so you wouldn’t have to be waiting two extra hours!” I pointed out. “New flight, new reservation, new rules.” She said helpfully.
  10. “Fuck you very much, bitch!”.
  11. Bang head off desk for ten minutes and call stapler a motherfucker.

Do you think there’s a restaurant in midtown Manhattan that would deliver tequila, preferably in a keg, with a tube I can hook up to a vein?

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8 Responses to “Small Tasks Mean Huge Brain Cell Suicide”

  1. Old Lady Secretary Says:

    Darling, your problem is that you care how much it costs. Boston Coach and every other national car service has a similar policy, so fuck it. It’s a scam and they’re all clued in. Cudos to your boss for getting himself on another flight; sounds like he can think on his feet.

    One of the partners at that last place you worked had the worst travel karma imaginable. He’d be in DC, would miss his Delta shuttle back, so he would frantically run to US Air to try to get on that flight, sure enough would miss it, run back to Delta, would miss that one, etc. ad nauseum.

    All because if he didn’t get home ASAP his wife would flagellate him.

    The really funny part is that the client had a corporate jet that commuted back and forth every day, and they invited him to join them, but he was always late so some days they shut the door and taxied away just as his car was pulling up. I think they did it on purpose.

  2. The Guv'ner Says:

    Dude, I know JUST the man you are referring to and can I just say..WHAT a surprise (not). :):) That same man was a little deficient in common sense gene. I worked for him on occasion and he was a very evasive, strange fellow for sure. I’m not sure he plays with a full deck.

  3. Bert, Pleasant Banana Says:

    I’m forever confusing “fellate” and “flagellate.”

    As a ‘vendor’ I know that if I get a secretary on my side, I’m in. “Never, ever, piss off a secretary/admin, your own or someone else’s.” How come no one has written a book about this simple principle?

  4. The Guv'ner Says:

    Mr. B. Your life must be very interesting…. 🙂

    You are however, correct. A secretary, much like a mail room guy, should never be pissed off because they have hidden power to make life as inconvenient as possible. And also the capability to make things run very smoothly for you for very little pay off. We do a lot for a smile you know. Yes we do. Like not kill people.

  5. pistols at dawn Says:

    If I’ve learned anything from this, it’s: never travel anywhere, ever.

  6. The Guv'ner Says:

    If I’ve learned anything from this, it’s: never travel anywhere, ever.

    …and if you do, BOOK THE FUCKER YOURSELF (or risk death).

  7. Leonesse Says:

    I do not miss ANY of this. My hubby actually got to tell a customer to fuck off a month back. I think he enjoyed the freedom as he had this odd glint in his eye from the power. At first I was appalled that he stooped to the idiots level, then it was humorous, then amazement that the guy came back the next week and apologized and has come back many times since. Go figure.

  8. The Guv'ner Says:

    A lot of my most enjoyable fantasies involve being rude to clients and coworkers. Usually that client who thinks they’re the only client on Earth and needs everything “NOW!” Especially unreasonable things that they know nothing about. That’s always fun. I once had a client (Nasty rodent of a man) accuse me of lying when, the week before Christmas, I told him that no one from the client team was in (it was a four person team and we were in the middle of a transit strike at the time). He said “Are you lying to me? Are you trying to deceive me?” Yes dude, I have nothing better to do than lie to you all day long. Giant assmaster. 🙂

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