Weekends Exist To Keep The Homicide Rate Down

My bosses are all traveling this week, which is nice in one way, due to the wealth of downtime and alien things like “lunch hours”, yet they are hell in another, because the second they are all incommunicado, that is when disasters happen and when disasters happen in corporations, there is not enough caffeine on the planet that will make you wired enough to solve the situation without weeping, losing three quarters of your hair and threatening people with a letter opener. Luckily, so far, all is quiet.

Too quiet…

One boss, who has been an enormous pain in the rear lately, is in Florida. She has changed her travel plans so many times that even the airlines are confused as to her intent. I envision her name soon being scrawled on a “no fly” list alongside “Osama Hussein-Mohammad” and that dickwad from Oasis. She now wants to come back today one hour earlier than planned (waiting in the airport bar for an hour, chatting up the bartender while sucking down Manhattans wasn’t an option apparently). She’s flying from Miami to New York but I’m seriously considering routing her through Salt Lake City. And Chicago. Where she will be delayed until Tuesday by tornados and by which time her head will have exploded and my life will be 50% more bearable.

Still on the subject of travel, we have our own travel department here and someday soon I will come to work with an axe and murder one of our reps. This particular lady is a very nice person, friendly, jovial and totally, inconceivably incompetent. Not much frightens the Guv’ner, but she frightens me to my core.

Take, for example, the time I booked boss number one on some flights that would take him to a four day conference in Las Vegas. I call the travel department and get crazy travel rep. to make sure that the hotel we discussed for this conference is confirmed and she assures me that yes, he is all set. He is good to go. Commence launch sequence. Then the automated itinerary arrived via email and I quickly glanced at it to make sure nothing was amiss and, yes, she was absolutely correct, the hotel is booked and confirmed, just like she told me.

It’s also in Houston, Texas.

Much swearing and scurrying and threatening and changing of things ensued, while I contemplated how hard I’d have to connect with the plate glass partition in my office to actually put my head through it.

She will routinely give me flight options that don’t exist or omit ones that do.

She will swear blind we didn’t discuss something when I have notes proving we did.

She will tell me there is no way to do something in a certain time frame that another rep will not bat an eyelid at.

She will give me options for all three NY airports when I ask for flights “only to and from La Guardia” and end up booking irate boss on some flight back to Newark, despite telling me it was to La Guardia and when his car is waiting for him, peacefully, at La Guardia. I will naturally only find this out at the last minute and be scurrying around like a gerbil in Richard Gere’s back yard, trying to rectify this monumental cock-up.

It’s exhausting. And rage inducing.

But it’s Friday.

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8 Responses to “Weekends Exist To Keep The Homicide Rate Down”

  1. katrocket Says:

    I know it’s easier said than done, but if I had to put up with that, I’d spend the majority of my time trying to get my co-workers fired.

    Oh, and plotting their demise as well.

  2. Bert Bananas Says:

    This blog just screams for some enterprising person or persons to create a disemployment agency. They’d probably demand cash up front though…

  3. The Guv'ner Says:

    Miss K. I spend most of mine cursing like a sailor (I’m fluent in cursing) and threatening to no one in particular about various painful torture methods I’m about to employ if anyone crosses me today.

  4. The Guv'ner Says:

    OH MAN, Mr. Bananas. A disemployment agency! Wouldn’t that be awesome! They get you out of your current hellhole for a small fee and plant you somewhere much more fun. Like a beach in the Bahamas or something. I haven’t quite figured out the specifics yet on how this idea will survive (not forgetting how I will survive with no job) but I WILL.

  5. Bert Bananas Says:

    To your vast credit, you misread the intent of my Disemployment Agency. You thought of it as a positive thing, that it helped get you out of an unhappy circumstance. Your are, at heart, a saint, or a saintess/santa…

    My Disemployment Agency is from the Dark Side, where my spirit apparently dwells. In my dream, you go to a disemployment agency to get someone you work with to not work with you anymore.

    Yes, I’m not going to Heaven.

  6. The Guv'ner Says:

    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! Now I get it. (I usually take the scenic route on matters of the brain because I am quite retarded)

    I sort of like your version so much better. Can this agency “disemploy” unwanted coworkers painfully? Because I’m happy to pay for that service.

  7. pistols at dawn Says:

    Perhaps you are booking travel with Mr. Magoo. Why must you mock the deaf and elderly?

  8. The Guv'ner Says:

    Gee I don’t know Pistols, maybe because IT’S FUN?

    Talking of Mr. Magoo, I used to work with an old gent who looked just like him.

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