I Like A Challenge

We “assistants” just adore having to do things at the last possible minute. It’s a sickness of ours. We thrive on it. Really. So what if you’ve known about that Defcon Red important creative presentation to the CEO and his team at the client for about ten weeks, the presentation is this afternoon so this morning we will do about three weeks necessary prep. in about two hours.

No, honestly, don’t apologize, there’s nothing we enjoy more than giving up our morning coffee, our entire lunch hour and what remains of our sanity so that you can have 50 color, bound copies of this 300 slide presentation that you need by 2 p.m. and that you’ve known about for all these weeks. Oh what’s that? You haven’t quite finished the presentation yet, you’re still making edits? No sweat. You’ll be done by around noon you say? Well that’s great, thank you so much. That gives me a whole hour to provide those 50 bound copies of 300 pages. Of course I can have it done. It’s not like there are 3,000 people in our company and anyone else is using the two color copiers we have on the premises.

Is there anything else I can do? Oh, there is? What a pleasant surprise! Can I make 20 CDs of the presentation as well? And you need them in a half hour? No problem at all. While I’m juggling the 50 copies of this novel I’m about to bind I’ll just use my special octopus extension arm to throw in a few CDs to burn. You know, I still have my feet free, do you need anything else?

Oh you need a car service to take you to the client? Of course I can do that. I can do that in my sleep, if need be. It has to be here in ten minutes? Lucky I am well rehearsed in pulling sedans out of my ass. Will that be all?


10 Responses to “I Like A Challenge”

  1. pistols at dawn Says:

    If you can pull sedans out of your ass, I have got a film offer for you, especially if you do indeed have an extra octopus arm.

    Here lies my question (since the infinite assholery of other human beings is pretty much evident in each of these posts): would it have helped to know this was coming up if the presentation wasn’t finished yet? I mean, beyond the opportunity to coat your desk in NERF to avoid injuring yourself when you repeatedly slam your head into it.

  2. The Guv'ner Says:

    Well see, the point IS, Mr. Nitpicker Pistolpants, that they have known about it for ten weeks, they shouldn’t even BE editing the fucker ON THE DAY OF. The day before all that should have been finalized so that printing could commence and organization be complete but NO. Let’s all run around like blue assed flies and give ourselves strokes because we’re not prepared enough to have stuff done in advance.

  3. pistols at dawn Says:

    Blue assed flies? I’ll admit that I have precious little to do at work, but never to the point of staring at a fly’s ass.

    I don’t understand how the business world works at all, except thanks to the blood of the underpaid assistants. It seems like everyone’s an idiot of enormous magnitude. Why none of them are wearing helmets is beyond me.

  4. The Guv'ner Says:

    I guess, in all fairness, most of them have a niched specialty that they excel at but that specialty is seldom “life” outside of a very narrowly defined talent.

  5. katrocket Says:

    you can coat things in NERF?

    *sudden awe*

    it amazes me too, just how useless and dysfunctional people in business really are. And if they aren’t when they’re hired, they hop on the iSuck bandwagon pretty fast.

  6. The Guv'ner Says:

    Heh, I didn’t even know what NERF was and had to look it up.


  7. T Says:

    You wanna work for me? -I’d give you at least eight hours (spread over five days of course) to complete any project for me. Foul language is not only allowed around here, but heavily encouraged. We treat our clients with the utmost rudeness and lack of respect. However, if the customer is hot, extended photography skills are required. (We stop at the use of a camera in the restroom,–that is only used for employees.)

  8. The Guv'ner Says:

    Well now Mr. T (I bet you pity the fool who calls you Mr. T)

    Pencil me in for that job. So long as I retain my right to wear things that offend my more conservatively dressed coworkers and swear indiscriminately and kick office equipment with gay abandon, I think I’d be happy there. And so long as your office cafeteria includes a free wet bar with constant frozen beverages of lethal proportions to help me get through the afternoon without actually maiming someone. Although, I am willing to compromise. Maiming can be fun on occasion.

    I’m not only good with photography but also photoshop, so if you got really desperate, I can even make customers who would otherwise force you to wear those glasses blind people wear, pretty.

  9. Leonesse Says:

    My favorite is when they give you the presentation at 2pm for a 9am meeting, explain that it has to include graphs from 4 different sources on information formatted into one, know you are going to be up until the wee hours working on it, then head out to play golf.

    You do a stupendous, glorious job.

    Of course, they want you there at 7:30am to reformat nearly everything you have done, then realize they don’t want any of the information they requested and you just have to put in a graph that you upkeep every day that took 30 seconds.

    ::slips off to the bathroom, into a stall, and proceeded to fake scream::

  10. The Guv'ner Says:

    Oh my gosh….it’s like…you are ME. I have been in that scenario so many times. SO MANY TIMES. Each of them I believe must have birthed a gray hair.

    I really love when someone has materials to make a presentation from and they’re all in different formats. A few pages of stats in Excel, some PowerPoint slides, some basic text in Word and think you can click your fingers and combine all of that in about 30 seconds and still make it “look nice”. Screaming right there with you!!!!!!

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