The Case Against Machines

Remember that scene in “Office Space” where the three geeks steal the fax machine (printer?) and smash it to smithereens with a baseball bat, in the middle of a field? That’s like every day in my office. My fantasies consist of moments where I lasso the photocopier on our floor, forklift it to the nearest window and launch it eleven floors down to the street with a primal scream. Of course there are obvious reasons why I’d never actually do this…I mean come on people, I am human. I mean, how am I ever going to get a forklift in the elevator?

I’m not overly concerned with any passers by down below or anything, I think worse things fall on them in NYC every day and since there are approximately seven billion ways to die in New York City at any given moment, Xerox machines falling from the sky are just one of many unforeseen circumstances we put up with every day. If that were to happen, tourists would shriek and cover their horrified faces in terror at the vision of a giant, mangled copier with limbs splaying out from underneath, whereas New Yorkers would be like, “Can you please f*cking move, you’re getting your blood all over my shoe, asshole!”

Calm down, I’m kidding. New Yorkers would never say “please”.

Today one of my coworkers – one of the ones I like, fortunately, was photocopying a stack of materials, which, if placed out on the Avenue, one on top of the other, would rival the height of the building itself. This was practically a seamless job as far as our evil Copier from Hades is concerned. Or it just likes my lovely coworker so much better than I. I guess she doesn’t kick it and say, “You like that don’t you, you little whore!” like I do.

When she’d done and I was trying to copy my one measly expense report, the machine chewed it up and spat it out. Well half of it anyway. The other half was still wedged somewhere in its innards and well…following those little diagrams inside the door that tell you how to clear a jam? They’re worse than Ikea instructions. Trillions of green knobs and pulleys and stuff you yank out and things you press and little, hot, scaldy things you burn your digits on every time because there’s a law that says in order to have a paper jam inside the machine, rather than on the peripherals, the jammed paper must be next to a metal bar the exact temperature of an erupting volcano and since the copier doesn’t generally come with asbestos gloves you just have to agree to give up the skin on your hand.

It tells me the most useless crap too (a bit like this blog entry). It boasts “tray 1 is low on paper” even though I’m using tray 4 and could not give a shit about tray 1’s deficiencies. Shut up copier. Once you can make me an omelet and a margarita then you might be relevant.


12 Responses to “The Case Against Machines”

  1. T Says:

    You would be a delightful office maintenance worker.

  2. pistols at dawn Says:

    I’m not going to lie, the way you talk to that naughty, dirty copier is getting me as hot as those damn metal rollers that keep jamming in part D.

    I don’t understand why every office doesn’t have a full time copy machine fixer, because they seem to go down as often as my dream woman.

  3. The Guv'ner Says:

    The thing is T, I already AM a delightful office maintenance worker. I maintain the fact that no one in my office gets killed despite trying their utmost to entice me into a bludgeoning fest. It takes all my skills and tools to stop this from happening. The carnage otherwise would be unimaginable!

  4. The Guv'ner Says:

    Pistols, pistols, pistols.

    You are obviously having your period and feeling a little hormonal. As a lady (usually), I can tell you that chocolate is the only cure. Eat a big cake of chocolate and soon you’ll be restored to your former lusting after boobs with legs instead of just talking dirty to machines.

    Your mythical bumper sticker is getting crazier by the second.

  5. Leonesse Says:

    As a reformed Schizophrenic Secretary I fully understand the insane madness that each manufacturer installs in those s.o.b’s. I could fix the damn thing better than the copier repairman. It would go down again as soon as he left the damn building.

    And Pistols, there’s your problem with your copier and your women right there. You are never, ever supposed to jam anything anywhere near part D. That is a very delicate area and requires a gentle touch and maybe a smoke afterward. Will purr like a kitten then.

  6. The Guv'ner Says:

    Leonesse – Hahahaha!!!

    Those damn things. Honestly, when I’m retrieving a half eaten job from the copier I’ve twiddled so many knobs (settle down Pistol boy) and slammed so many trays that I look like that faux wizard behind the curtain in the Wizard of Oz. I think my real annoyance, worse than the jamming copier, is the person who creates a jam then leaves it for someone else (i.e., ME!) to fix. Grrrr 🙂

  7. pistols at dawn Says:

    But in movies, part D gets steamrolled, much to the simulated enjoyment of everyone! I mean, the ladies aren’t that talented in the acting department, if the scenes where they’re clothed are to be believed. Unless they’re always playing bad actresses…

    Just saying the word “boobs” makes me focus on what’s important again. Thanks for clearing this up.

  8. The Guv'ner Says:

    Part D should be the part where Pistols gets waylaid by a steamroller and gets his boy parts pureed.

    Assuming he has boy parts. I visualize him as having the groin of G.I. Joe. Or would if I thought of such things…

    How to backtrack without incriminating oneself. Almost.

  9. pistols at dawn Says:

    Wishing violence upon me? Did we have a relationship I’ve forgotten about? Because usually women don’t turn on me until after we date. This is a disturbing trend, though it really just saves me three weeks of pretending I care about their jobs, stories, and lives.

  10. katrocket Says:

    You know, I just came here to make some lame comment about how much I love that fax-bashing scene in “Office Space”, but now I just need to have a cold shower.

  11. The Guv'ner Says:

    Mz. K. I love that scene too but the one that makes me splutter with enjoyment is when Michael Bolton (hee!) is at the printer and he’s like “PC LOAD LETTER? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?” because I have said THOSE EXACT WORDS! 🙂

  12. katrocket Says:

    You should watch this. The copier girl reminds me of you.

    (not safe for work)

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