Topical and Tropical

When it’s hectic and there’s paper strewn everywhere; when you can’t see my desk for pens and calculators and magazines and finance reports; when there are three half empty Diet Pepsi bottles littering my desktop and the occasional Kit Kat wrapper; when there are twelve things that need to be done now and all have priority… At moments like these I like to look at the wall by my monitor which is completely covered with a poster of a perfect blue tropical ocean beach with palm trees and I like to think that if I focus really hard, I can pretend that I’m there, on that beach, hearing the waves lap against the white sand and the palm fronds swooshing slightly in the breeze to the faraway lilt of steel drum melodies and the pleasing, wafting aroma of Malibu and pineapple…

And then the sound of frantic gurgling (because in this daydream I am also drowning my boss in the tide while screaming, “What do you mean can I stay late to prepare some binders for an early morning meeting, you sniveling shitmeister????”)

Every day I feel a little more of my sanity slipping away. Possibly to that beach. Possibly to eek out a 2 liter bottle of tequila to hide under my desk. Possibly to the nearest gun store to buy an AK47. It’s hard to tell.

All I know is my mood today is as fragile as a Minnesota bridge in rush hour.

And every bit as dangerous.

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15 Responses to “Topical and Tropical”

  1. Leonesse Says:

    Guv, I have a love/hate relationship with your blog, much like all of Pistols relationships.

    I am a recovering Executive Assistant and am having flashbacks from my PTOD.

    ::deep breaths; focus on today, focus on today::

    My sanity pic was of a field of tulips.

  2. The Guv'ner Says:

    Hahaha, Leonesse, I can not apologize ENOUGH for that because believe me, I never planned to be this assistant person it just sort of happened and I can’t quite figure out how to make it UN-happen, but I will.

    Thank God we have no dress code because I couldn’t do the whole “smart secretary” look for anyone. Jeans and flip flops. The way to go. Plus you can easily slip a flip flop off and hit someone in the face with it. Yup.

  3. T Says:

    Ointments and trunks. Oooohhhhh…

    Remove that lovely photo and put up a poster that reads, “Ask me for one more favor and I’ll stick this keyboard right up your sandy beach-hole.”

    I like keeping your ‘tropical’ thoughts alive…

  4. The Guv'ner Says:

    T. Sir.

    You said that like my keyboard hasn’t already been hosed down several hundred times this week.

    Honestly, it’s that poster that is keeping me from the confines of a striped jumpsuit.

  5. pistols at dawn Says:

    I’m sorry, I must have misread this. I saw “Kit Kat wrapper” and figured this was a mystery, but it never got resolved: what happened to this Kit Kat?

    Leonesse, the key to a love/hate relationship is to instigate lovemaking during the “hate” part.

  6. The Guv'ner Says:

    Only Pistols would come up with the tiniest glint of the mention of food as his focus. WHAT a surprise.

    I actually thought you were going to follow the “Kat is a RAPPER?” route to which I was concocting witty retorts. Thank goodness I don’t need to use those, because frankly, they sucked.

  7. Leonesse Says:

    Funny you would say that, Guv, because before I settled on ‘focus on today’ it was gonna be ‘focus on my flip flops’, but realized that didn’t make much sense.

    I now know you would have understood perfectly.

    I was asked by a Corporate Barbie if I wanted to go shopping with her to get a ‘better’ wardrobe once. Sure, I want to spend $300 (or a big hunk of my paycheck) on a pair of shoes to show everyone how impressive I am. Like collating and copying 20 reports for an important offsite meeting in 10 minutes while getting bagels and coffee delivered while fending off the 12 people asking me for crap ALL AT THE SAME TIME isn’t impressive enough. Fuck her and her expense account. …sorry, more flashbacks…

    I understand if you ground me from commenting. It won’t be pretty.

  8. The Guv'ner Says:

    If I ever showed up anywhere in $300 shoes I swear the world would stop spinning. In fact people should just praise the lord that I WEAR shoes at all! AND pants!

    It’s always funny to see someone else who’s been there and done that and the story is always the same. The thing most bosses don’t realize is that inside every assistant is a total psycho with a trillion ready methods to kill him given the chance. And the funny part? HE MADE THAT PSYCHO. 🙂

  9. Bert Bananas Says:

    Could you be paid enough to make you love your work?

    I know that the tendency would be to think that if they paid you more they’d want you to work even harder… Can’t they see that without you and your ilk, the world grinds to a halt?

    No, of course they can’t. I’m outside of the corporate world but I often have to stand at the window and look in and it’s never a pretty sight.

  10. Leonesse Says:

    Bert, consider it a mini-fifedom where each supervisor thinks they are Lords and should be treated as such.
    They like to bandy about phrases like “Be Here Now” and have meetings about the meeting they just had. And they have to have an aisle seat, unless it is too far back, then they want a window seat, but only if they are flying with someone they know in the middle seat… etc, etc, etc, Of course you have booked the tickets over and over because they don’t tell you this up front, they tell you as you book each one.

    The Office is just too painful to watch sometimes…

    :::whoa, I was just going on and on there and had to delete it.:::

  11. The Guv'ner Says:

    I don’t think it’s a job you could ever love unless you were a sadist. I mean, tolerate yes – I do tolerate it, I don’t spend my time at work (at least these days!) unhappy or miserable all the time although all jobs have their moments, I think the key is definitely the people you work with and the atmosphere. Most of my complaints are from past experiences and the odd current moment of ridiculousness but if it really killed me I’d get the hell out. I hope to anyway, in the not too distant future and concentrate on being a PowerPoint specialist. At least not dealing with admin. crap and phones will be a step in the right direction. 🙂

  12. The Guv'ner Says:

    And yes, Miss L. the whole “What plane do I want and what seating arrangements and can I conceivably upgrade to business class without anyone knowing and freaking out” thing is a daily occurrence involving brain cell death, vodka, a ton of paperwork and threats of violence.

    As I don’t feel part of the business world I can sort of stand back and laugh at it to an extent but part of me is aware of the colossal waste of my precious time I spend doing and redoing things to suit people’s whims.

  13. old lady secretary Says:

    No, more money would not make me love this job. They’re paying me just enough to keep me trapped here. Any job I’d actually enjoy would pay 40 percent less.

    That shoe thing is funny. Manolo had a sale last spring and all the young things ran out to buy shoes. Well, I guess when your parents are paying your rent…

    So they all came back and we had to have shoe comparison hour. In the four cube module right behind me. I wonder who they billed THAT to.

  14. Leonesse Says:

    Guv, have you watched the commercial where a woman in a cube opens up her bottom drawer. In that drawer is sand and a few beach trinkets. She takes off her shoes and puts her feet in the sand.

    I freaking LOVE that commercial and would SERIOUSLY do it if I was back in an office.

    So, I am sending you a cyber bag of sand, a sand dollar, a conch shell, a can of Mai Tai, and Ricardo the Towel Boy for your desk drawer.

  15. The Guv'ner Says:

    Wow Leo. I am honestly touched. And a little concerned how Ricardo will fit in there without dismemberment, but I’m willing to give it a go 🙂 I need one of those scents that smell like an ocean breeze.

    Ah screw that, I need a goddamn ocean breeze for real.

    Old Lady Sec: I love those little fresh out of college chicks with their big allowances from daddy and flimsy shoes that cost the same as a condo. They’re so hilarious. I am so jealous. WHERE’S MY ALLOWANCE?

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