How Not To Start A Morning

This morning I had to pick up a document from finance which included information I needed to amend, take the document to The Most Boring Woman Who Ever Lived so that she could, in turn, present it to her boss for signature.

Now even though TMBWWEL’s office is just at the opposite end of the corridor from my own, if the matter hadn’t been extremely time sensitive, I would have sent that sucker via inter office mail, rather than have to go into the monster’s lair in person.

As I’ve pointed out before, she’s not a mean lady, or even an unpleasant one in the true sense of the word, it’s just that she really is the most boring woman who ever lived. There is no human being who is still living, who is more boring. I challenge you to find anyone else with the personality of Ambien.

Firstly, she scrutinized the form I gave her and pointed out the following:

“Where [boss’s] name is printed, that’s a ten point font. We usually use a twelve point font. You see, ten point font is hard to read if your eyes aren’t great. Unless you use ten point Courier which is a larger font. However, most people don’t use Courier as it’s old fashioned. But this is Arial. Ten point Arial is a little narrow and therefore smaller to read. Twelve point Arial however….”

At this point I picked up one of those electronic pencil sharpeners with the weighted bottoms and I smashed her head in.

Anyway, to get her off the subject of fonts and their comparative sizes, I noticed she’d had a big, metallic bulletin board installed on the wall on the back of her usually, personality-less office. It was covered in photos. It was then it happened.

Not having ingested any caffeine yet, or indeed, woken up properly, I made a fatal mistake. An error of judgment, which, at any other time of day I would have been alert enough to prevent. I pointed at one of the pictures on the board – a man with a stupendous and quite alarming mustache that curled up at the ends (obviously a circus performer or child molester) – and I said, “Who is that guy?”

I might as well have said, “Hey, how about picking up that phone directory and reading it to me?”

I then was treated to a run down of EVERY. SINGLE. GODDAMN. PERSON. ON. THAT. BOARD. (the child molesting trapeze artist was her grandfather)

“This is my mom and me. That’s my mom and dad in 1945, I think they were at a party. This is my ex and I in Vegas. That was a fun trip. [aside: for YOU maybe, bub, but the guy must’ve been like ‘kill me now’] This is my ex-husband’s nephew and his twins, they’re five. When they were born they had problems with blah de blah de blah…”

Twenty fucking minutes I endured this and at the end of the tour my brain was dead as Phil Rizzuto. Holy cow!

I wasn’t back in my seat five minutes when her name appeared on my caller ID. I made that noise Marge Simpson makes when Homer’s sold the baby to gypsies again.

“It’s ok!” she said cheerfully. “[Boss] didn’t even mention the ten point font!”

“No shit!” I didn’t say, wondering if I could lure her into the fire escape and push her down the steps. I mean accidents happen all the time on stairs, am I wrong? All the time…

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18 Responses to “How Not To Start A Morning”

  1. pistols at dawn Says:

    Wow. I imagine she has that same sonorous tone as the guy from the Simpsons who says, “I am a large gentleman. This was the most reasonably priced automobile that I could afford. Should I then be the subject of your ridicule?”

    And I’m kinda interested in “the ex” now, partially because he might even be more boring than her. Maybe they split because he couldn’t handle her in the sack, where she’s “a real firecracker.” By the way, who wants to f a firecracker? That seems like it could only end badly.

  2. The Guv'ner Says:

    I’m just….I cannot conceive of her “in the sack” as you delicately put it because I imagine she’d complain the whole time about him having a ten point wang instead of a twelve point wang and that a ten point wang is just too small…

    The funny thing is I typed “pint” first time and almost posted it. A ten PINT wang might be quite interesting!

    She’s just…infuriating. She makes me twitch. And that cannot be good.

    I’d love to see her ride a mechanical bull or something equally ludicrously out of character.

    I too am curious about the ex. And I believe there’s a CURRENT. Guy must either be on a life support machine or just into pain.

  3. Chris Says:

    Are you sure she’s not the “Mousy Librarian” type, the ones who, once away from the library, let their long wavy blond hair down to blow gently in the breeze as they slowly take off their glasses and seductively lick their lips, suddenly making that frumpy frock look runway-model sexy as they slip sensuously into a waiting convertible to spend the night at the beach, nibbling grapes off the vine as they’re offered her by sculpted men named “Hans” and “Rico”?

  4. The Guv'ner Says:

    Chris. How can I put this without completely losing my lunch…

    NO!

    Think, tall, stick thin but with a belly, short ’80s hair, mid to late 40s, wears sneakers with black stockings and a skirt, whose idea of risque is coffee after 1pm. If she ever met a “Rico” she’d totally have him mend her pipes. And by “pipes” she’d MEAN pipes.

  5. pistols at dawn Says:

    Don’t ruin Chris’ well-described imagination for the rest of us with boring old reality, Guv. His version is much hotter.

  6. The Guv'ner Says:

    Honestly guys, I was kidding. She like rides to work on a Harley, shakes her hair loose after dismounting, drinks from a Pepsi bottle suggestively, slow-mo wiggles her way to the door, giving a sly, suggestive grin to the security guy and ’70s porn music plays as she steps onto the elevator, disembarking on our floor a little disheveled with her buttons undone, where she slips into some stilettos and a cat suit and purrs into the intercom.

    I’m so sorry I got it wrong first time.

    Hello? Boys?

  7. Chris Says:

    If I’m ever rich I’m going to have an elevator with 70’s porn music. Chicka chicka wow wow…

    Unfortunately, I can’t even afford to fix that broken step out front, let alone buy an elevator with chicka-chicka-wow-wow music…

  8. The Guv'ner Says:

    The thing about elevators, C. is that you sort of need a great, big building to have them in or else why not just have a metal box with ’70s porn music? And that would be kind of seedy. Well, unless the interior of said box was red velvet and chrome…

    Or you could just get the whole porn/pimp thing going by driving a 1976 Ford Gran Torino.

  9. pistols at dawn Says:

    Thank God I can once again believe that all women who wear glasses only need to take them off and let down their hair to become supermodels.

  10. The Guv'ner Says:

    Jeeze, seriously dude, where would you be without me? It’s lucky we’re friends on every medium out there because without me you’d be navigating a whole world of bemusement.

  11. pistols at dawn Says:

    I like that we were fighting so much yesterday on someone else’s site that she started a new post making fun of us for it.

    One day, I will grow up and stop fighting with women, but that day is not today.

  12. The Guv'ner Says:

    Yeah we’ve pretty much taken control of Live Journal at this point with our verbal fencing! :):)

    I didn’t see the making fun of us post yet. I will INVESTIGATE.

  13. Leonesse Says:

    Ewww, Chris, the only Hans I know is about 60, bald, and has a knot the size of a golf ball on his head.

  14. The Guv'ner Says:

    …the only Hans I know is about 60, bald, and has a knot the size of a golf ball on his head

    AND Miss Leonesse, you want him baaaad!

  15. T Says:

    Next time you’re in her office and she’s ‘monotoning’ away, start rubbing yourself, rolling your eyes and biting your lips. That should shut her down.

    -I don’t know if this will cut her conversation short, but it’s put a great mental image in my mind…

  16. The Guv'ner Says:

    Oh good LORD, T!

    /writes it in notebook for future reference

    I think she’d be oblivious. She is in her own little monotonous world and she’d probably ask if I had poisoned ivy. 🙂

  17. Catherinette Singleton Says:

    You must learn to not speak to her. Merely grunt and/or nod.

  18. The Guv'ner Says:

    I have been testing this method for some time now, actually. Also ignoring her War and Peace sized emails and voice mails. Every time I hear her voice my fists just take on a life of their own!

    Hey, SHE is the female equivalent of one of your speed dating GUYS.

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