A Heart Warming Memory

Sometimes, in your work life, all the frustrations and hair pulling become worthwhile and a little karma is dealt out.

A few years ago, my ex-boss, that whiny old assbandit, Mr. Panty-Waist, had been driving me steadily bonkers for about a month with some vague project we were supposed to present our client with. A very “important” project that was so important he never seemed to actually get anything done except procrastinating and complaining a lot about the project that we hadn’t even started, due to his inability to pull his finger out of his ass.

Naturally, this period of ridiculousness involved much foot tapping, muttering under my breath and going into the ladies’ room and shrieking with frustration when after one more day of procrastinating and whining and sulking, we’d be no further forward than the day before or the one before that.

Thursday arrived and Mr. Panty Waist told us he was going out to the Hamptons, where he kept a summer home, for a long weekend, to “think about things”. By “things” we were under no impression he meant “the project” since he couldn’t manage that in his office on a weekday, let alone on a beachfront with a highball glass in his hand and half naked 19 year old blondes running around playing volleyball. Actually, scratch that. Mr. PW is definitely asexual. Those blondes might as well be squirrels. Apparently his wife and kids weren’t going with him, he just needed some “private creative time”.

Frankly, we didn’t care if he went to the Moon so long as he was out of our hair.

We didn’t hear from him until the following Tuesday when he called to say he wouldn’t be coming into the office because he’d had “a little accident” and broken his leg.

We all made sympathetic noises, then had a party after he hung up. I believe cake was involved. And maybe a Panty Waist pinata.

We found out later that the reason for Mr. Panty Waist’s broken limb was that he had sipped one too many Scotch on the rocks and fallen into his pool. Which is funny enough in itself, if you know his mannerisms and great, big, clumsy body, but doubles in hilarity when you find out there was no water in the pool at the time. Hee!!!! How it is even possible to fall into an empty pool is beyond me but I didn’t care. It made my whole week.

This amused us even more than the time someone dredged up some old print ad from the seventies which showed an alarmingly hilarious photo of a grinning Mr. Panty Waist, boasting huge lapels you could house a small Hispanic nation on and sporting a startling, partial mullet, as a TV weatherman in North Carolina along with a caption about Mr. PW bringing sunshine and smiles to your morning. Clearly this TV station’s marketing was top notch and they’d obviously downed a few vodkas before coming up with the type. The mere idea of that horse’s ass being on TV talking about sunshine and hurricanes was just unfathomable, yet strangely irresistible.

Anyway, he had to lie in that empty pool for about 2 hours until a neighbor found him and called for help. I wished I’d been the one to find him. I would have paced around the top of that pool very slowly, sipping one of his vintage cellar wines, looking down at him clutching his limb, asking things like, “Does it hurt? Do you want me to get help? If I get help can I have a raise? Where do you keep the top shelf tequila?”

Damn, my fantasies are always so much better than my reality.


10 Responses to “A Heart Warming Memory”

  1. pistols at dawn Says:

    I know exactly how you would have dealt with his incapacitation.

    “It puts the lotion on its skin.”

    Still, I would have made up a story about how I was fighting crime.

    By the way, if I ever break something fighting crime, it’s the truth.

  2. The Guv'ner Says:

    Actually, if I didn’t think he’d float (especially with all the hot air in his huge head) I’d have filled that pool. 🙂

    “It gets the hose again!”

    Damn, I’m getting more and more pissed I didn’t get to do this.

  3. Chris Says:

    I’ve thought it over. I’ve decided that I would like to break my boss’ leg. Ah, to dream the impossible dream…

  4. The Guv'ner Says:

    Well do you have any empty swimming pools lying around you could push him into? I’ve heard that works! :):)

    Wait…aren’t you your own boss? Cos that would be weird.

  5. Chris Says:

    Pffft! No, I have a day job. A lousy, stinking, dead-end, low-paying, rotten day job that I loathe.

    I’m art director at a print shop.

    Sucks. It sucks. It really sucks. I hate it here. I am NOT happy.

    (Reminds me of a joke. “I ran into a dwarf the other day. He looked upset. ‘I am NOT happy,’ he said to me. ‘Oh,’ I replied, ‘which one are you then?’ That’s when the fight started…”)

    Someday I want to write things and take photos and play my bass for a living rather than dealing with all these pesky CUSTOMERS. Always wanting things…

    But I’m stuck here for at least two more months. I can get health insurance for the two of us for $400 a month as long as I work here. (We can switch over to Dagmar’s insurance in November.)

  6. The Guv'ner Says:

    Grrrr there is NOTHING worse than working somewhere you hate (I know because hell, I’ve been there – what do you mean, you’d never guess!) I like THIS job however, I should probably add. Most of the time anyway. I think most jobs are ok so long as you don’t work with a conglomerate of assholes, but sadly it’s hard to find asshole-free employment these days.

    I’d much rather play my guitar and write things for a living as well. 🙂 I wish.

  7. Lucy Says:

    …my ex-boss, that whiny old assbandit, Mr. Panty-Waist, had been driving me steadily bonkers for about a month with some vague project…

    All too common a scenario. Vague projects suck!

    “Did you get that TPS report?”

    We found out later that the reason for Mr. Panty Waist’s broken limb was that he had sipped one too many Scotch on the rocks and fallen into his pool…How it is even possible to fall into an empty pool is beyond me…

    Now that is comedy! Crazy! Have you ever thought about telling that story on stage? We could use some more cool chick standup comediennes.

    Feel free to stop by my spot/blog. Turns out we’re neighbors. (I’m in NYC, too!)

  8. The Guv'ner Says:

    Lucy: You crazy lady! I will certainly check out your blog(s) – sounds extremely interesting. I had a (female) friend who used to dabble with stand-up a few years ago but has since given it up and moved out west to much less funny places. I think it would take possibly all the tequila in Mexico to get me on a stage (at which point all that alcohol would make me fall right back off again). I used to sing in a band that was terror enough, thanks! 🙂

  9. Bert Bananas Says:

    forget stand up. More women should dabble in lay down.

  10. The Guv'ner Says:


    I’d lie down all day long if I could.

    Just not in the way you mean, Sir.

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