This is What I Call A Meeting

*naughty cross post alert

Today one of my teams – the abominable one I generally fantasise about pushing under a train – started their usual drama. It really shouldn’t annoy me, it happens every time we have a major client meeting with this team, but each time, even as I watch it barrel towards me with the subtlety of a steam train, I still want to kill people.

“We have a huge client meeting at ten, can you get us ten copies of these eight, 70 page documents by then?” they bleat, pleadingly. (this is at 9:30).

No. No I fucking can not. I am doing other things for other people. You couldn’t do this last night maybe? Then no, screw you all.

The Guv is a little grumpy today.

All this while trying to answer phones and arrange emergency flights for my other boss and other last minute craziness.

Then, after I grouchily drop off the two color documents of the bunch at our print center, to be copied, this same revolting team thrust a Gold Amex in my sweaty palm and ask me to go to “Sports Authority” to buy “five sets of boxing gloves” for a noon meeting.


I didn’t ask. But that sounds like the sort of meeting I want to be in! In fact, I demand a pair of those gloves so I can use them tomorrow when they start with their shit again. Ten copies, you say? *PUNCH* When do you need those? *PUNCH* “Never?” *PUNCH* “Good.” *PUNCH*

I resisted the temptation to take that Amex card, pick up a man-whore and fly to Hawaii and instead scooped up the gloves. The woman at Sports Authority looked at me like I was mildly insane. It’s five sets of boxing gloves, lady, get over it.

Oh, oh! Then? Noon arrived. I had ordered full lunch and beverages for eight as per their email request of the previous day. I have had this order verified, authorized and confirmed. However, they called me at noon from the meeting and whined, “We want twelve more of everything, there isn’t enough for 20 people.”

Well of course there isn’t enough, you blathering crotchmonkeys, you ordered lunch for eight. And of course catering yelled at you when you called them to demand twelve more of everything (I noticed you called me first to do it but I cleverly diverted your call straight to voice mail when I saw you on my caller ID) because a) it’s giving the catering department zero notice, b) there’s no one here to authorize the order, c) HELLO it’s LUNCH TIME and they’re all in the cafeteria working, and d) the guy who deals with the orders is out today. Oops.

Amazingly, after a delightful lunch out of the office, I came back to find zero voice mails whining about anything. This made me a touch suspicious that the world was off its axis or something, but it seems to be genuine.

Still, bring on those boxing gloves.


11 Responses to “This is What I Call A Meeting”

  1. Chris Says:

    I like that story just for the phrase “blathering crotchmonkeys.” I’ve GOTTA remember that!

  2. The Guv'ner Says:

    Strangely, I looked at that phrase as I was typing it and thought “That really doesn’t convey my hatred strongly enough but it will do!” šŸ™‚

  3. katrocket Says:

    I think it would’ve been funny if you had placed 2 loaves of Wonder bread and a jar of peanut butter on a tray and sent it to the boardroom with a Post-it note that said: “bon appetit!”

  4. Chris Says:

    “Bon appetit.” That must be Quebecois for “bite me.”

  5. pistols at dawn Says:

    Cross-posting? I’ll tolerate it this once, but only because I just did it.

  6. T Says:

    You’re such a light-hearted soul.

    So, what else did you buy at Sports Authority (like you need anyone else with any kind of authority in your life)?

  7. Leonesse Says:

    I think they have crossbows at Sports Authority. I KNOW they have airsoft guns!

    Have fun.

  8. The Guv'ner Says:

    Well if it helps the two VERSIONS are different. It was for LJ but it seemed to fit over here. What can I say.

    Doing the walk of shame.

  9. The Guv'ner Says:

    T. and Leo: Sadly I bought nothing else although I lost my sanity. If I’d known about the crossbows yesterday might have turned out SO differently…

  10. Catherinette Singleton Says:

    Sounds like a truly magical and fantastic day. It would have been great if they had used those boxing gloves to fight each other to the death. Oh well, maybe next time.

  11. The Guv'ner Says:

    Yes, I do live in hope. I am the eternal optimist. Though I’d be honored to do the job myself.

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