If Strangulation Was Legal

The Most Boring Woman in the World stopped me today as I ran to my old office to pick up some files I’d left behind during my office move, upstairs. She cornered me by the drinking fountain where there is no escape route, unless you count drowning slowly.

“So…” she said, a diatribe beginning to hang ominously in the air over her head like a think balloon, “That big dumpster outside your office…”

“My old office.” I corrected her, subtly reminding her I no longer work on her floor or her accounts therefore she has no reason to acknowledge my existence ever again.

“That dumpster shouldn’t really be left there because it’s large and will get in the way.” TMBWITW kindly pointed out.

I should note she works on the opposite side of the floor and has no reason to come in contact with my dumpster whatsoever. My “dumpster” is a large cardboard box with wheels.

“It could slip out from the wall and into the corridor and someone could walk into it and bump a shin. And well, I just thought you should be aware.”

It’s funny because last time I looked there were no blind people feeling their way along the corridor walls, haphazardly amputating appendages on stray boxes, but I suppose if one was sufficiently incapacitated by say…severe intoxication or sudden loss of limb control, one could conceivably graze the edge of the cardboard container and get a light bruise. They’d have to be pretty toasted though. I mean the corridor has LIGHTS and everything.

“It has to be there till Friday, so everyone else can purge all their old files we no longer need.” I told her. “And there is still a good six foot passage at the side of it. You’d have to eat a LOT of Baby Ruth bars to have a problem passing that without injury!”

She made a disapproving noise. “We really need to be careful not to breach Health & Safety regulations. Plus [name of our Company President] might see it and be annoyed.”

“I don’t see why.” I replied. “He’s the reason we’re all moving in the first place – to make room for his people. He already commented favorably about my cunning recycling of all the paper stuff.”

This flummoxed her for a moment but she wasn’t done quite yet. She leaned in a little and whispered.

“Now HE’S here…” she said, nodding towards the President’s office, “Having obstructions around might lower the tone of the floor.”

“This floor?” I asked, so incredulous that my voice hit an octave even Mariah Carey can only dream of. “This floor with the plain gray vinyl, sandpapery, 1970s’ wallpaper that’s faded in places where they took down pictures to clean them and never put them back up again, leaving their outline forever faded into the grain? Wallpaper that looks like it was probably developed by NASA as an alternative to the heat shield tiles on the Space Shuttle? This floor with the geometric carpet you could take an acid trip on? This floor right here that everyone else refers to as ‘the Dungeon of Doom’ because it’s dark, uninviting and gives people nightmares? Do you think so?”

“It’s not that bad!” she said, a touch defensively.

“But…that wallpaper!” I whined. “Get a balloon, rub it on your bosoms and I guarantee you it will stick to that wall like it was superglued there. If it doesn’t burst into flames from the static first.”

“I…don’t know what you are insinuating.” she said blankly.

TMBWITW has been with the company for 20 plus years, long enough to see off two husbands and several diseases (including one of the mouth – the woman never shuts up) but I don’t think she’s ever once had some strange foreigner suggest she rub a balloon on her boobies and stick it to a wall. Which turned out to be a good route to take because she had nothing much to say to that and shuffled off to bore someone else.

Some people just don’t appreciate knowing me.


16 Responses to “If Strangulation Was Legal”

  1. Catherinette Singleton Says:

    I’m very intrigued by this floor that gives people nightmares. Tell me more. I like a good scary story from time to time.

  2. The Guv'ner Says:

    Well…it’s very dark and dingy. And there are people on it I HAVE NEVER SEEN! And there are ROACHES on it. And an anonymous, phantom dookie stinker who uses the ladies room every afternoon and leaves the smell of death behind.

    Basically that floor is like exiting an elevator RIGHT INTO A DARK CAVE OF HELL. (or Detroit)

  3. The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: Says:

    I recently discovered you blog and have been waiting excitedly for a new post. Thanks!

    PS – Detroit sux.

  4. Leonesse Says:

    I am wondering… does this woman have short blond hair, cankles, and say Pillar to Post? Cuz if not, her doppleganger is a real bitch.

  5. pistols at dawn Says:

    Guv, you reference boobs almost as much as I do. Which is, of course, one of many reasons why I DO appreciate knowing you.

    I love “it could slip out from the wall” as an excuse. “Your desk could, in the event of a mass oil slick, fly out into the hall and kill a man. Or, if an evil sorcerer cast a spell on your file cabinet and it came to life, it could kill Steve in accounting.”

    Also, your office building has LIGHTS? Man, I have got to get myself a job in New York City someday just to see that. We’ve been writing with quills on vellum by candlelight here ourselves.

    Lastly, boobs.

  6. The Guv'ner Says:

    Thank you Lady Who Doesn’t Lunch. I myself don’t lunch either in the “ladies who lunch” sense. Mainly because my bank account won’t allow it but also because I’d bludgeon those ladies. No one likes blood with lunch.

    Welcome! I’m not always as lazy as the past few weeks. Well, actually I sometimes am but I do try to spew forth nonsense in some regular basis! 🙂

  7. The Guv'ner Says:

    Mr. Pistols. I have written down every one of your sugges….I mean, scary possible ACCIDENT scenarios to uh…avoid them in the future.

    Boobs are very important to me, mainly because I have to deal with them and their various complications. Just last week an underwire popped out unannounced and prodded me in the boobular region.

    I like to keep everyone abreast of the situation. See what I did there?

    LEO: WTF? PILLAR TO POST? That’s an Aztec Camera song as far as I’m concerned. What does Cankelina mean by that? My woman is just boring yours is on another planet. But then if she’s from your town what can one expect? 🙂

  8. Laaw-yuhr Says:

    I already appreciate knowing you.

  9. The Guv'ner Says:

    Laaw-yuhr: If you really ARE a lawyer, you’ll kindly forget any threats, promises of homicide etc. you might read here because I might be needing your expertise some day when my great revenge is wreaked. NOT BY ME OF COURSE. Heavens!

    Naturally, this only really happens in my dreams. 🙂

  10. Leonesse Says:

    Cankella doesn’t live in this town. She would be far to indignant. Pillar to Post means ‘all over’ in old, scary lady speak and in this case involved moving a lovely pewter pitcher of flowers from one cubicle to another about 7 steps away. She simply couldn’t fathom the indignity of having to look 5 feet for the item. And I mean indignant!

  11. The Guv'ner Says:

    Leo: Oh, one of THOSE!!! I used to know one of those sorts. A place for everything and woe betide the person who moved that stapler an inch from its designated location.

    My theory (because I ALWAYS have a theory!) is that she needs to go buy a toy with batteries and relax.

  12. T Says:

    You should have suggested to her (the woman that bores growing grass to death) that if she rubbed her boobs with a balloon that she would stick to the wall. -Just for the perplexity of her look (and the entertainment value).

    Missed ya.

  13. The Guv'ner Says:

    Mr. T! That actually made my morning – the mere idea of that woman stuck to a wall by her boobies. I believe I would PAY to see that.

    She’s actually the first person I saw that I knew this morning. She cornered me on the subway by yelling my name from the other end of the car. I hot tailed it out of there ASAP before she could catch me. Close call though.

  14. Chris Says:

    Boobies. On the first read-through I had assumed TMBWITW had a pair of exotic sea birds on her desk or something… “Yes, but are they Greater Boobies or Lesser Boobies?”


  15. The Guv'ner Says:

    Now now Chris. Like she could ever have something THAT interesting.:)

    Though granted, that would be sweet!

    And i don’t want to even THINK about her boobies.

  16. ruhi Says:

    U ARE A GEM (all in capitals)!!!!

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