My Mind, It Is Imploding

Good Lord, the Guv’ner has been in the need of an “Attitude Readjustment Day” lately. Last week, a full four days of total insomnia had me thinking I could fly like a bird in the sky-y-y-y. The outcome? Now I know, I can’t let Maggie go.

Goddamn oldies stations.

Anyway, the more tired I got, the less likely sleep seemed to be. And the more completely psychotic I was starting to feel. Plus I had many thoughts scurrying around my vacuous head like this:

Brain: Print two copies of document, call travel department about London. London. Monday morning flight, on American. Then I have to….wait…what am I doing? Who’s going to London? Why? Where is my scrambled egg roll? What was I doing? Something about London. Did I go to the bank? Why am I wearing two different socks? I…where is my notebook? I need…something about London. My eyelids are glued open. I think I am going to go to the bathroom.”

The problem with fatigue in the extreme is, it seems to dull the filters that operate between your brain and your mouth and you say things that usually common sense would suppress out of the desire to not get bludgeoned (or fired!) by other, less sleepy people. Things like:

Bitchy Ex-Team Member: Make seven copies of this in color please.

Me: I don’t think I work for you anymore, do I? Make them yourself.

And:

“I am busy, you can call travel on your own, no? You have fingers. I also have a finger, don’t make me show it to you.”

I should point out this was to my EX-TEAM who I no longer work for (cue: hallelujah chorus) but who are now sans assistant and satisfyingly desperate. My ex-boss was pretty desperate before but now she’s bleating like a little lamb about needing help including sending me an email that was suspiciously cordial and asking for my assistance(I was tempted to send her the phone number for the psychiatric helpline and an underground internet site on how to make your own meth), and I’ve been persuaded to help on a limited basis, temporarily till their new person starts Thursday.

I say “new” person but actually? They allotted her and her spoiled team of brats to The Most Boring Woman Who Ever Lived so I feel some sort of divine justice has just occurred. This also frees my already overloaded mind of the burden of feeling sorry for their new assistant because it’s TMBWWEL therefore, it’s called “karma”. May they drive each other to go jump in the East River.

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16 Responses to “My Mind, It Is Imploding”

  1. Leonesse Says:

    Wait, so it wasn’t just me? Who the hell offed the Sandman?

    While I still haven’t had one full night, I finally got 4 hours at one time!!! Twice this week, even. I felt like the heavens opened up and shined one beam of intelligence into my fried cerebellum. Just enough to make me realize how seriously raisined my brain cells are.

  2. The Guv'ner Says:

    Last night, in a frenzied rage, I popped TWO XANAX (The Boy has some on prescription) and lay on the couch to watch TV and suddenly…my alarm’s going off. I guess the narcotic intervention did it. Today I feel hungover. But it’s an improvement.

    Screw that sandman.

  3. pistols at dawn Says:

    I also would like some sleep. If you find any extra, please mail it to me.

  4. Bert Says:

    I sleep between rounds of golf. Now aren’t you sorry you made fun of golf?

    People of my ethnicity NEVER lack for sleep. Thank you, gjaudh.

  5. The Guv'ner Says:

    If there’s any extra sleep I’m a-keepin’ it Mr. P.

    Bert: “BETWEEN” rounds? Not actually ON THE COURSE? That amazes me.

  6. The Idea Of Progress Says:

    Karma can be a lovely thing.

  7. The Idea Of Progress Says:

    Don’t hate me, but you’ve been tagged.

  8. Teri Says:

    I’m a visitor from CS’s place.

    I, like you, am an office worker (should read SLAVE). So I’m counting on you for some great tips for my excellent treatment of my fellow co-workers.

  9. Leonesse Says:

    Teri,

    You have my sympathies.

    Former Office Slave

  10. The Guv'ner Says:

    Miss Teri, you are welcome to steal any tips you may find but I will not be responsible for any jail time you may have to serve because of it, mmkay? (I will however, bake you a cake with a file in it) 🙂

  11. Teri Says:

    you’re fabulous, thanks. can you make sure the file is extra sharp?

  12. The Guv'ner Says:

    I could just skip it entirely and send you some of my scrumptious “Dynamite Doughnuts”. (Faster, less frustrating)

  13. Teri Says:

    na, I have a bunch of health freaks around here who don’t eat donuts.

    did I mention they’re freaks?

    and if caught, I NEVER reveal my source of information. it goes “down with the ship”.

  14. The Guv'ner Says:

    Agreed. What happens in Vegas stays in uh… you know what I’m saying.

    What sort of amoral, abnormal, steaming insane, freak of nature doesn’t like doughnuts? Are they retarded? Missing a chromosome? There better be a good reason. Something like “they’re in prison with no doughnut access”.

    Oh man. Krispy Kremes make me forget all my good intentions.

  15. Chris Says:

    Dagmar finally quit yapping at me and quite simply put two sleepy-pills in my mouth last night and held my nose until I swallowed them. I sputtered indignantly for a few minutes, then keeled over for the first sound sleep I’ve had in weeks. I swear, I must have slept for FIVE HOURS last night.

    I feel MUCH better now. But I still have so much work to do…

  16. The Guv'ner Says:

    I got to a stage where I grabbed the Xanax which isn’t even MINE and popped two whole tabs just to knock me out entirely. I slept eight hours, slept through a cat fight, various household objects being knocked to the floor by same cats, The Boy waltzing around consoling said cats and chastising them and my alarm, three times. And Xanax is merely a sedative like drug. Sleep is underrated. Sleep is GOD.

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