Average

This is a typical story about Mr. Panty Waist. It’s like an average. Almost a composite of so many other near identical incidents that occurred over my time there, that helped mold me into the sweet, cheerful, bastion of sanity you see before you today.

It was a day like any other, and I was sulking because Mr. Panty Waist had called that morning whining angrily (for a change) about another one of my obvious inadequacies. I’d taken a vacation day the previous day because my friend was going to be in town from the UK. Naturally, a day where Mr. Panty Waist has to fend for himself, is a very dangerous day indeed.

I imagine it’s a little like organizing your six year old when you have to be away from the homestead for a period of time. You have to leave intricate yet simple to comprehend lists of things that need to be done or that you are supposed to be doing. For your six year old you might pack up a lunch and leave homework instructions. “You must read two pages of your book and you may not, at any time, eat crayons.”

For Mr. Panty Waist you might write an essay called “Stating The Fucking Obvious” because sincerely that’s what the man needed. “First you put one foot on the floor, now the other, then you stand up. Next proceed to….”

So on my first day back he called, naturally from home, since it was still morning and we didn’t live in fantasy land, people.

“[Sigh] Yesterday something happened when you were out….[sigh] and I’m not very happy about it…what I’m saying is….in other words…apparently I was supposed to have a meeting with Cruella deVille, but I had to cancel it because….what I’m saying is I didn’t know I was having any meeting so I didn’t come in. It wasn’t on my calendar, do you know what I’m saying? I didn’t know about the meeting because it wasn’t on my calendar….”

He went on that way for about four months till I wanted to lodge something white hot and sharp up his rectorial© region.

Firstly, I had not only told him about that meeting, it was that colossal horse’s ass who told me, not two days earlier, to set it up and for that particular day. When I yelled “Is three o’clock tomorrow ok?” he replied with, “Yes that’s fine.”

This was par for the course for the guy. He’d say something and promptly forget it ten minutes later.

Secondly, he doesn’t for all intensive purposes have a calendar because he refuses to learn how to operate his computer therefore didn’t know how to access the Outlook calendar where everything is scheduled nice and clearly, despite being shown about oh…seven trillion times.

I don’t know, is it just me? Am I a goddamn genius of humanity? Is it that hard to click on a button that says “calendar”? Do we have opposable thumbs or am I thinking of some other parallel universe?

So he called me on this particular morning and he claimed it was the first he’d heard of any meeting with Satan. Whine, whine, whine, why didn’t I inform him of this meeting, why did I drop the ball on such an important meeting? In the end I gave up correcting him because you learn from experience it’s not worth the hassle. It’s better to just bite on your tongue and think about his fat head roasting over a bonfire with an apple wedged in his cake hole.

I merely grunted one word answers at him till he hung up. He hated that. It drove him nuts. And I was all about driving him nuts. In fact I devoted two whole years to driving him nuts and I consider it my greatest failure to date simply because well…he was clearly nuts before I got anywhere near him.

Naturally, on such occasions I would hear about “my mammoth error” several thousand times throughout the week until I started consulting the Interwebz to find out if there was any information on an efficient way to disembowel a spoiled, disgruntled New Englander and dispose of the evidence in an sufficiently secretive manner.

I drew a lot of cartoons that year of Mr. Panty Waist. It was like cheap therapy. One day I swear, I’m going to post them.

Talking of cartoons: THIS site allows you to draw your obnoxious boss and post your feelings. Check it out if you want a good giggle. I have two on there (#84 and #85 if you care – the first is of Quasi from THIS entry and the second is me listening to Mr. Panty Waist on the phone.)

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14 Responses to “Average”

  1. The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: Says:

    What a terrific idea. I’m not so talented art-wise and am also currently boss-less, but am overjoyed that such a colorful, creative outlet for rage is available to the working public.

  2. The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: Says:

    Oh yes, and nice work Guv -you’re are talented in more than just the arena of puppet arts.

  3. Catherinette Singleton Says:

    It boggles the mind to think that people are so freaking stupid that they can’t figure out how to access an Outlook Calendar. It’s not like you need a freaking PhD to do it.

    But clearly it was your fault as you didn’t stand over his shoulder clicking the icon for him.

  4. The Guv'ner Says:

    Lady: I know! And you don’t even need drawing skills to vent. Stick figures will do! I’m no Van Gogh myself… 🙂 Incidentally, you have no idea my talent range. :):)

    Miss Catherinette: You have no idea how spot on that comment was. He claims to have some mind boggling degree in something ACADEMIC but cannot figure out that button that says “Calendar” takes him to the calendar. Fuckwit. (him, not you!)

  5. pistols at dawn Says:

    What’s a calendar?

  6. The Guv'ner Says:

    What’s a calendar?

    OMG. MR. PANTY WAIST, IS THAT YOU?

  7. Leonesse Says:

    Has anyone used Lotus Organizer? It was a computer organizer and was created to look like the handheld leather type. It had little tabs with labels and it was very, very easy to use. Well, I had to PRINT OUT his computer calendar. If something changed, I couldn’t just cross it out, I had to give him a newly printed one. This could go back and forth for hours each day as meetings were set and reset.

    I tried hard to reuse the wasted paper, but after awhile there was just no hope. This man felled so many trees. UGH.

  8. The Guv'ner Says:

    OH OH OH been there, done that shite. Not using Lotus (there’s only ever been Outlook in any jobs I’ve held)but still having to print out something that is one click away from being on someone’s screen and to do this several times a day as things change. Give me strength. GET COMPUTER LITERATE!

    My boss now is fairly computer illiterate but he tries, bless him. He asks me to show him how to do stuff and today he almost remembered how to create a new folder which was more than Panty Waist managed in years.

  9. Laaw-yuhr Says:

    God, what a jack ass. I so feel your pain. At my old job, the dumb bitches refused to learn the simplicity that is PowerPoint, and would asininely call a laptop and projector “The PowerPoint Machine”. They would also make me schedule a $12/hr technician to click the forward button for them.

  10. The Guv'ner Says:

    Hahahaha, that is awesome. I mean you can do some elaborate stuff with PowerPoint but for the general office use? It’s basically so easy to manipulate an idiot could do it. Plus it works like word and excel for the most part. You don’t need to be an expert to operate the basics. But some people just need their hand holding for the slightest thing. But that’s ok too because it makes me look INTELLIGENT. 🙂 12 hour technicians indeed. Too funny.

  11. the Secretary Says:

    I remember one hot sunny Saturday afternoon, hanging out at home in my cut offs and tank top, barefoot in the backyard… and getting a call from my boss who urgently needed to figure out how to attach a file to an email he absolutely had to send right now. I tried walking him through it, but after so much whining from him I knew it would be easier to do it my own damn self. I jumped in the car, no shoes and drove the 15 minutes to the office, ran up 4 flights of stairs to click his mouse 4 times before running back home. All the time thinking to myself – and HE gets paid the big bucks????? What a cruel world.

  12. Chris Says:

    My boss called me in once at 6:30 on a Saturday morning. “I need to make a new plate for so-and-so’s job.” It’s literally a three-click process, but there’s no use trying to talk someone through it…

    I need to mention at this point that at that time I moonlighted (moonlit?) as a bass player in a rock band. We had an out-of-town gig the night before — I got home around 4:30, and got to bed at maybe 5 that morning.

    So, with an hour and a half of sleep, beer breath that would stagger a camel, unshaved and uncombed, I showed up for work wearing my jammie bottoms and a robe. I pushed my three buttons, reminded the boss that by union rules if he calls me in for any reason I get a minimum of four hours’ pay, and went home.

    They never called me in again. (Note: they only paid me for five minutes’ time that day, too. Rat bastards.)

  13. The Guv'ner Says:

    Hey Sec. I have SO been there. Mr. Panty Waist routinely used to decide, suddenly on a FRIDAY FUCKING NIGHT that he had to write some novelesque memo in Word to a client that had to be worded JUST RIGHT therefore he’d spend THREE HOURS pecking it out on his computer (instead of just dictating it to me who could do it in ten minutes) I was sitting outside tapping my fingers till he finished just so I could attach the damn document TO AN EMAIL. So believe me. Been there, done that.

    What sort of asshole makes someone hang around three hours on a Friday night doing NOTHING apart from attaching something to an email? Sadly this happened frequently. It’s not just that it’s easy to do, I showed him 300 times it’s just…rude. Plus when i was out on vacation I notice he managed to attach several documents JUST FINE.

    He did it deliberately I swear to God.

  14. The Guv'ner Says:

    Chris: When I read something like that I can feel my blood start to boil. It’s just so familiar…I think people just get to a certain position and turn into babies. They must have every little thing done for them and refuse to learn or try anything new. There is no excuse for pulling a person in from a vacation or weekend unless it’s an ABSOLUTE emergency. It’s inexcusable and I think employees need to be firm on this and say “I have other plans”. I started that with Panty Waist after the umpteenth time of being asked to come in unnecessarily on a Saturday or stay late for nothing in the week. “I’m sorry, I have plans.” You don’t owe him any other explanation. That should be enough.

    GOD I hate people like that.

    Hee, regarding your moonlighting in music, I should mention also that my band used to record all night then I’d go straight from the studio to work, maybe five days in a row. Boy if you’ve never hallucinated, try THAT sometime. Yikes.

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