When There IS No Point…

I made the colossal mistake of picking up my phone this morning without checking the caller ID and found myself engulfed by the entity that is the Most Boring Woman Who Ever Lived.

“Oh for shit’s sake!” I thought, vowing to get revenge on myself for this oversight, later.

“Hiii…” she said, in that slow, high pitched, really irritating manner she perfects. “I was just looking through some old expense reports…”

At this point, my mind took a scenic detour into fantasy land and I decided to go out this weekend and buy the necessary supplies to electrify my desk, so that when she calls me again and I fall into the inevitable coma which ensues, I will be jolted to attention (with the added bonus of seeing what my hair looks like vertical) and able to maybe pay attention to more than two seconds of what she is saying. It’s not that I want to listen to her crap, you understand, but it seems rude to actually snore when someone is talking.

“These expense reports are from [ex team, spawn of Beelzebub] and they have a job code that I don’t recognize. In fact, our billing system doesn’t recognize it either. They said ‘this job does not exist’ and I said ‘but it’s on these expense reports that The Guv’ner did and I used the same codes.’ And they said, ‘oh, those must be last quarter’s codes, so they won’t work now!’ and I said ‘ooooooooooooooooh.’ …because the codes changed. And I didn’t realize.”

I waited a few seconds before speaking because I was waiting for a punch line. Or a point. Or anything really that explained why she would bother calling to tell me this. But she said nothing.

I said, “Oh. OK then.”

“I just thought it was quite funny.” TMBWTEL replied. “Because you know, you used the old codes but when you used them they weren’t old, whereas…” It was at this point I removed the receiver from my ear, held it three feet from my head and looked at it like it was a glowing, neon turd.

Which, coincidentally, was also the exact moment my boss walked in with a thick wad of paper and said, “Can you just make me four….what are you doing?”

“Ihavetogonowbye.” I said to TMBWTEL and hung up.

“I love Xeroxing” I told my boss. “I would be happy to Xerox.”

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17 Responses to “When There IS No Point…”

  1. Leonesse Says:

    .
    .
    .
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    hmmm, you have my stapler….
    .
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    my red stapler…
    .
    .

  2. The Guv'ner Says:

    Hahahahahahaha! That did kind of have a Miltonesque rhythm to it I guess. Honestly? He’s the most interesting man on Earth next to HER! 🙂

    I bet her damn Swingline is GRAY.

  3. The Guv'ner Says:

    And indeed Lumbergh like too. Now I’m really scared.

    That guy is so deserving of a boot to the knackers. 🙂

  4. Laaw-yuhr Says:

    It’s sad when human interaction drives you to seek solace in xeroxing.

  5. The Guv'ner Says:

    Miss Laaw-Yuhr – EXACTLY! I hate Xeroxing with every inch of my being but…there are occasions when it’s a blessing. Mainly when it’s competing with the one thing on Earth more boring than it is.

  6. The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: Says:

    The rhythms of Xeroxing can be very zen.

  7. pistols at dawn Says:

    Wow. I bet people jump and shoulderroll into closets to avoid that woman when they see her coming.

  8. The Guv'ner Says:

    I find it’s easy to fantasize about Uzis while talking to her. And duct tape.

  9. The Guv'ner Says:

    Hahaha, the rhythms of Xeroxing. When I start an underground, pretentious, hip and cool indie pop band “The Rhythms of Xeroxing” will be our first album.

  10. Catherinette Singleton Says:

    We really should arrange a meeting between her and Debbie Downer. They’re like 2 little peas in a boring pod.

  11. The Guv'ner Says:

    This can only be a good idea if we get them both in one small room and BOMB it. 🙂 Yup. (We can toast marshmallows on the flames)

  12. the Secretary Says:

    There’s this commercial out there, I don’t even know what they’re selling, but it’s this fabulous black lady with a fro and she’s photocopying and then all of a sudden she finds the rythm and is dancing up a storm. I love that woman.

  13. The Guv'ner Says:

    I wish I could find rhythm. I’ve looked everywhere (even the photocopier) but it evades me. So I just spaz about looking like someone spiked my ginger ale and replaced my bones with rubber. Sigh.

  14. Catherinette Singleton Says:

    Mmm. . .I do love me some s’mores!

  15. The Guv'ner Says:

    SMORES!!!!!

    God I’m hungry. Thank you SO much for bringing up food.

    There is always a point for smores. Although I make high class smores with Lindt chocolate (because honestly, Hershey tastes like it’s part vomit)

  16. The Idea Of Progress Says:

    You should have ended the conversation with a real show-stopper, like “I’ve got cancer!” and hung up the phone.

    Let her chew on that for a while.

  17. The Guv'ner Says:

    Good Lord, IoP! I wish I’d thought of it. Although maybe i’d be less terminal. Maybe something about a Valtrex prescription. Although…no.

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