When Assistants Are Speechless

Today my boss said to me:

“You need to be a bit more aggressive when it comes to my travel plans.”

That’s definitely a first. Someone telling the Guv’ner she needs to be more aggressive! This cheered me up enormously. I had instant visions of booking future flights by going down to the travel department with a sawn-off shotgun and making them do degrading things to each other with nipple clamps and bleach.

Except I like our travel department people. They bend over backwards for us to get us out of last minute jams. They’re my friends. So this fantasy does not seem as pleasing as say, the idea of…hog-tying the boss of my former ad team to a curtain rod and roasting her over a bonfire. Why can’t I get more aggressive with her?

“More aggressive?” I asked, a little unsure of his meaning.

“Well my flight tonight…” he said, flustered. “I’m in business class. And I hate business class. My first class upgrade hasn’t come through.” Travel try to get him free upgrades when available and more likely than not they come through by the time he reaches the airport, unless it’s a particularly busy week such as the end of a holiday weekend (hello!).

I should just interject at this point that I pray the day will come where I am in the position to stomp my feet and whine that I have to fly business class. That will be the same day I’m carted off in a strait jacket to the mental hospital screaming, “Marry me Ben Stiller, you hunk of hot flesh!” In other words, NEVER.

I thought briefly about how the boss would look with an apple wedged in his mouth and a fork in his ass.

“You need to be more aggressive when booking my travel if it’s for overnight flights.” he clarified. “Because I can’t sleep in business class. I need first.”

This is all well and good, however our company policy is, only the CEOs of the branches can fly first class ever, unless business class is categorically not available and you agree by signing your name in blood on parchment, that you will allow your wife to be sodomized by a donkey at the holiday party. The CFO will not authorize first class travel and the travel head will not allow me to book it without this authorization. It’s out of my hands.

“I’m not allowed to book first class.” I told him. “It’s policy. Jane (Travel lady) won’t book it without an authorization form stating the cost difference.”

He got exasperated. “Jim (CFO) and I have an ‘agreement’.” he said, “so basically when I’m flying at night overseas I get to fly first class.”

Now, not to be pedantic here, but if I had such an “agreement” with my boss that was distinctly to my benefit, such as the authority to fly first class when necessary and have the company rules not apply to me, I might want to let the person who arranges my travel (i.e., ME) and the person who books it (i.e., Jane) know this secret so we can procure the correct class of service. Because, although I’ve been working hard on it and corresponding with Harry Potter, I am not yet able to read minds.

So he was a little peeved at me for, a) not knowing what his great bulbous brain was thinking, and b) for not being able to upgrade tonight’s flight ten minutes before he left for the airport and with no one around to authorize spending the extra three grand.

I was so annoyed when he left, I penned an email to the CFO asking if such an agreement existed and if I was permitted to book first class travel in future overnight flights. I can’t wait for his response which I guarantee will be something along the lines of, “Why the fuck doesn’t he fly Virgin like everyone else, because in business class their seats flatten all the way back allowing a person to sleep!”

And my boss will shit.

Because Virgin? Really? Planes full of video games and youths with long hair and loud music and drunk British people? Plus he’s an American Airlines platinum member so you know…you get “favors”. I’m not sure if by “favors” it means, free champagne, complimentary upgrades or a high class hooker flight attendant. I don’t care either.

He called me from the airport all smiles. “I got the upgrade!” he yelled! “Well fuck-a-doodle-doo!” I replied, although it was silently in my head.

He’s a decent boss in so many ways,for example, today he said to me, “You know, you’re really great with the clients, they’re always complimenting you!”, which is nice, but then he always has this “What, you mean you CAN’T read my mind?” thing going on and it gets really old, really fast.

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27 Responses to “When Assistants Are Speechless”

  1. WendyB Says:

    “Fuck-a-doodle-doo.” That’s going to be my new motto.

  2. Teri Says:

    OMG, I work for the same “you have to read my mind” people. Do they clone these folks?

    We have the same travel policy. They are not allowed to fly first class unless they get upgraded through the airlines and their status with that airline.

    and my one boss ALWAYS wants to fly Delta, because of his status and if has to take a red eye home he’s always hoping for an upgrade or I have to make sure he’s sitting in an aisle seat.

    I wish they’d make their own travel, the whiners!

  3. The Guv'ner Says:

    Miss WendyB: It’s a great, sarcastic, mean thing to think when someone’s nagging you and it works because it makes you feel all smug and satisfied.

    Teri: YES. Cloning. It can be the only answer. We can upgrade him to first class using our vouchers but the part he doesn’t get is, they are not valid for EVERY first class seat – maybe only 2 per flight are allocated for such things and only if the seats don’t sell first. You can BUY a first class seat, sure, but again, company policy says “No you can NOT!” Either way someone is going to be pissed (my boss or his) but either way, I can only do what the company allow me to do, I’m not a freaking corporate revolutionary. Silly bosses.

    I MUST FLY FIRST CLASS! Does anyone listen to ME? NO!

    And yes, they always want the aisle so they can spread their big legs wider. It’s like, I KNOW you have to fly somewhere overseas almost every week and I know what an enormous pain that must be, but really, business class is NOT THAT BAD. It’s called “Business” class for a reason.

  4. Chris Says:

    Ha! I had the same thought Wendyb had…

  5. The Guv'ner Says:

    Maybe we should have a “fuck-a-doodle-doo” day!!! Yeah! A nation wide screaming of that phrase at noon, followed by beer.

  6. Teri Says:

    Can there be hangings on this day?

    please say yes?!?

  7. The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: Says:

    I thought that “fuck-a-doodle-doo” was all mine. It’s almost creepy how we curse alike.

    You don’t ever want to piss on the travel department. They can wreck your life.

  8. The Guv'ner Says:

    Lady: I stole “fuck-a-doodle-doo” from “Shawn of the Dead” who stole it from somewhere else (maybe YOU!) :):) And I would never piss off the travel folks which is why I’m always super friendly to them and try not to be a pain in the ass (i.e. “not aggressive enough”) because it gets you nowhere with people who are trying their best to begin with.

    Teri: It’s our day, there can be WHATEVER YOU WANT.

  9. The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: Says:

    Guv – I stole it originally from 4 Weddings and a Funeral. There – the truth is out.

    PS – I’m a huge fan of Shaun of the Dead and now Hot Fuzz.

  10. The Guv'ner Says:

    I agree. Both “Shaun” and “Hot Fuzz” are awesome. Plus I was glad to see the Cornetto making a reappearance in “Hot Fuzz” because Cornettos are funny (maybe only if you were a kid in the UK in the seventies though) and when they mentioned them in “Shaun…” when i was at the movie theater, I swear I was the only person who laughed in the whole place at their mere mention. I bet in the UK people wet their pants.

  11. pistols at dawn Says:

    What are planes? My travel plans always involve hitchin’ a ride on the rails, just like pappy used ta.

  12. ~:*:*:Pixie:*:*:~ Says:

    Your boss…

    … your boss SPOKE to you?…

  13. katrocket Says:

    It sounds like you’re still working for cunts.

  14. The Guv'ner Says:

    Pixie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ok i admit that made me guffaw and since I have a throat infectiony thing going on, THAT HURT! 🙂

    Kat: He’s not so bad – not like previous c*nts I worked for at my last job, but sometimes he’s just oblivious to that little thing called REALITY! 🙂 A bit like me at certain times of the month where I convince myself I can eat a whole cake with impunity.

  15. The Idea Of Progress Says:

    What wrong with eating a whole cake?

  16. The Guv'ner Says:

    Um….I think it might just be wrong to admit it. Plus I’d be picturing all the running I’d have to do to cancel it. Of course, I could just drink Diet soda with the cake which automatically cancels it, no? No?

  17. Chris Says:

    Happy Birthday To You
    Happy Birthday To You
    Happy Birthday To Yoooouuuuu.
    Happy Birthday To You.

  18. The Guv'ner Says:

    Pistols: When I was a child we walked 500 miles a day to school and back and ate old dry bread crusts and WE GODDAMN LIKED IT.

    Chris: THANK YOU KIND SIR! And whoa are you up early leaving greetings or what? Love and happy birthday to your Austrian Snowflake!!!!

  19. Red Says:

    Guv’ner – I read on someone’s blog (IoP, I’m almost sure) that it’s your birthday today (Thursday).
    So Happy Birthday!

  20. CDP Says:

    I’m here through The Lady Who Doesn’t Lunch…I used to work for a why-can’t-you-read-my-mind-guy, too. He was incapbable of basic internet research, so he’d call and say something like “I need some information on a company in Sweden. Guy named Sven works there.” (click)
    I too will adopt “fuck-a-doodle-doo” in daily conversation.
    Hysterical post.

  21. The Guv'ner Says:

    Thank you Miss Red!!!! I did try to read your blog a while back and realized YOU DIDN’T HAVE ONE! Gasp! Get to it. Your comments are always funny, you need to do some scribblin’!

    CDP: OMG We must have shared that boss! I used to get that stuff all the time. I mean some people just have “VAGUE” as a middle name. Yet, we are resourceful. Sometimes we can actually find “Sven” from that description.

    Really bosses are sort of dim in normal matters. It’s fact. 🙂 Oh and HELLO!

  22. red Says:

    Guv – you are too kind. However, I got into reading all these blogs through my ex, and if I had a blog, he’d find out shortly. But if I had a blog, I can’t imagine not telling my bf. It seems suicidally stupid to create a cyber space where they would run into each other. Plus, I’m not sure I’m as witty as most of the people I read. Thanks so much, though. I’m enjoying Psychotic Secretary. I used to work for Morgan Stanley in NYC before I headed to the District. I can’t say I miss it at all. Reading your blog reminds me of why I moved. Go you having a good attitude about it.

  23. The Guv'ner Says:

    Red: My old company was very similar to a Morgan Stanley type environment – very corporate. It was also choc full of assholes and excruciating to work for. 🙂 Who knew that a few years later I’d be with a better company and having free therapy from that last hellhole through the internetz? YAY!

  24. Ms. Laaw-yuhr Says:

    I cannot wait to hear how the CFO responds!

  25. The Guv'ner Says:

    Time will tell! Maybe his head will explode! 🙂

  26. Some Goofy Woman Says:

    OMG you slayed me with the “fuck-a-doodle-doo!” I’m so going to use that. Soon.

    Thanks. 🙂

    -AD

  27. The Guv'ner Says:

    Hey Goofy Lady! I find it’s the perfect rebuttal for almost any stupid situation. It’s like a pair of black shoes – it goes with everything! 🙂

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