Some Questions Are Just Unanswerable…

There are a few key words and phrases which, as an assistant to someone infinitely more important than our lowlife selves, we hear fairly regularly. In my humble experience, most of them start with “Why?” or “Where?” or “Did you…?” and involve things that we know nothing about, usually because some cauliflower-headed boss has neglected to tell us either out of some sort of blissful ignorance or because they truly believe we have developed the ability to read minds. (And let’s hope that never happens or I’ll get fired and possibly arrested!)

I frequently hear, “I need flights for this Asia trip to all four destinations!” which stops all the cogs in my brain turning simultaneously in confusion for a few seconds while I try to remember what the hell he is talking about because, honestly, I have no recollection whatsoever of any trip to Asia in the near future or indeed any other time. Then he gets infuriated and I get infuriated and in the end he forwards me a chain of emails on the subject and I figure out this trip has been in discussion for weeks but he never bothered to include me on any of the correspondence or by…I don’t know…telling me in person, therefore I am oblivious to the max because this is the first I’ve heard of any trip and even though that’s hardly my fault, I look like some sort of glazed-eyed airhead who can only say things like, “Huh?”

Another one I hear is, “Where is my Dictaphone?” which, while providing an impressive mental array of possible fruity answers, the actual retort is always,“on your desk by your computer where it always is!” and then he will deny its existence and commence turning the entire office upside down and getting redder by the second and huffing and puffing until I go in there and find it…on the desk next to his computer – who’d have thought it? Which always leaves me thinking, “So how come it’s you running the world and not me?”

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12 Responses to “Some Questions Are Just Unanswerable…”

  1. The Idea Of Progress Says:

    This sounds like a love letter. IS it love? Be honest.

  2. Suze Says:

    Really, bosses get on my nerves. Mine didn’t today, but I’m sure if I would’ve stayed 5 more minutes he would have pissed me off. He’s like that, the ol’ cauliflower-head.

  3. The Guv'ner Says:

    IoP: Wash that dirty mouth out with soap, boy!

    Suze: They all have an element of the cauliflowerness about them. I believe it’s part of their genetic make-up!

  4. Leonesse Says:

    Sometimes it brings back painful memories to read your blog. You should package it with Tequila.

  5. pistols at dawn Says:

    I’m buying a Dictaphone just because it makes an automatic childish joke every time.

  6. The Guv'ner Says:

    Leo: That is the best idea of anyone ever. Quite apart from making the blog bearable it would also allow us all to dance like Michael Jackson in his “Billie Jean” days.

    (She’s not his lover she’s just a girl who says that he was the one)

    Pistols: Ha! Not only a childish (yet oddly still current) joke but the thing itself is a medieval device only used in the olden days (yet still utilized daily by my boss).

  7. The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: Says:

    He sounds on cutting edge of technology. I had no idea that people were still using these things.

    At my last job I worked from home and saw my boss once a year.

  8. The Guv'ner Says:

    Now that’s the kind of job I want. Working from home. Of course I’d never actually get anything DONE…

    I like my office so that’s ok. Now if my BOSS would just work from home, that might be perfect!

  9. Teri Says:

    this post hit so close to home that I quietly left my computer in quiet reflection.

    I always like to say “I’m glad I’m not alone on this”, especially with the mind reading stuff. I’m just so stupidified that this happens that I really have nothing to say about it.

    And then as annual review time comes and your supervisor says “Teri, why can’t you read your bosses mind? You need to work harder on this. Only a 1% raise for you this year, missy”.

  10. The Guv'ner Says:

    Teri: I…a raise? What is that? I know I have heard the word before but I can’t place it…

    Our place doesn’t give raises for lowly assistants above the inflation increase every few years. We don’t get reviews either so I guess I should rejoice in that at least.

    And I think the mind reading thing is universal. They have no idea what they’ve told you and what they haven’t. FOOLS! 🙂 It doesn’t help that I don’t have access to his email or I may have intercepted these mails and figured it out sooner! TSK!

  11. BeckEye Says:

    I think there is actually only one company in the world and we’re all working for it. And it’s probably called Ridunkulous, Inc. or something.

  12. The Guv'ner Says:

    Beckeye: You know, I’ve long suspected this. Or it’s many millions of companies employing CLONE BOSSES. Yes, that must be it. There is somewhere, a central cloning center where they produce these people. I suggest drugging the boss and then scanning for the microchip.

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