Pointless, Yet Still It Exists

The Guv’ner is operating on two hours sleep so I feel it’s fair to give that warning before I type whatever is about to come out of my brain. Which could be anything. Because it has a mind of its own. Literally! Hi!

I went to bed with my head full of stuff I had to do today here at work and naturally, all of that chattered around inside my skull and prevented me from getting sleepy.

Just as I was feeling slightly like I might be drifting off, a loud voice, which sounded uncannily like Brian from “Family Guy” laden with reverb, would exclaim, “Don’t forget to call the hotel in London for a copy of the car invoice now, will you?”

And I’m all “Shut the hell up, Voices In My Head, or I’ll come in there with my axe and kill you.”

And they’re like “Dude…you know you’ll forget and screw up everything and the six grand in expenses The Boss is due will be held up for weeks and he is gonna be pee-issed!”

And I’m like, “Aaargh, go away Brian from Family Guy. Get out of my head this instant! Leave Britney Alone!

Oh the humanity. Or huge manatee.

Anyway yes. Two hours sleep and not even good sleep. Bad sleep. Bad sleep filled with stupid dreams and unsavory, sleazy characters. I’m talking James Spader oiled up and dipped in mud, sleazy. And riotous cats having some sort of hoedown in the other room, judging by the noise and bickering.

Still, even I have to admit it was an improvement on the previous night where I was awakened to the sound of a cat projectile vomiting into a box containing printer toner I had laid out on the bedroom floor ready to be listed on Ebay. Since we doubted there was much of a market for “Ralphed on printer cartridges” we threw it out, although, thinking back, if there’s a market for those well worn ladies gym socks, surely there’s some sicko (no pun intended) loopy enough to want my barf cartridge?

This morning I have accomplished several tasks while The Boss is out of town and every one of them I have had to redo several times because my brain has the attention span of plankton. Bear in mind however, this is only a small step down from its usual state of “slightly warm oatmeal”.


19 Responses to “Pointless, Yet Still It Exists”

  1. minijonb Says:

    ewww… that James Spader image will be stuck in my head all day. curse you, Psychotic Secretary, dammit!


  2. WendyB Says:

    Huge manatees…look out for those troublemakers.

  3. landis smithers Says:


    the cat barf thing made me laugh, and as i am sitting in an airport lounge waiting for a 19 hour flight to begin, it was bliss.

    and ties into my family guy “barf scenes/scat humor” odd addiction nicely.

    (i’m a nice person. i just laugh at strange things. promise.)

  4. The Guv'ner Says:

    Well Minijonb, at least you didn’t have him IN YOUR DREAMS! Aargh! James Spader is just so….creepy doesn’t quite cover it.

    Wendyb(aby)! Those fuckers are just everywhere with their big manatee head things…huh?

    Landis: The barf thing is funny to visualize, less funny to clean up at 3am, which is why I let The Boy do it. 🙂 My favorite barf scene (and the Family Guy one is good) is the one from “Team America”. That’s a lot of ralphing right there.

    Have a fun 19 hour flight (shudder!)

  5. Chris Says:

    If it weren’t for generic Tylenol PM I’d be a mess. Best taken with a Ny-Quill chaser.


  6. The Guv'ner Says:

    Chris, honestly I have had this bronchal condition since Thanksgiving and I’ve been surviving on Robitussin and some stolen Xanax to make me sleep. I ran out of Robitussin last week and was scared to buy more in case I got addicted like all the kids in South Park that time. But hell I think I’ll invest in some more. Just because OMG the sleep was fabulous.

    /maybe I’ll substitute for Ny-Quil this time. I’m sure they taste equally obnoxious. Or just plain noxious.

  7. The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: Says:

    If you’d marked it down low enough someone would have bought it. I’m laughing at the image of the kitty hoedown.

    I hate nights like that when my brain won’t shut the hell up. Not so much work related, as you need a job for that, but just general things left un or shoddily done. My brain when it nags sounds like my mom. It’s horrible.

    Better luck to you this evening.

    I strongly suggest hot and sour soup and some steamed dumplings from the best Chinese place that delivers near you. Oh and reading a paragraph or two from Ulysses.

  8. the Secretary Says:

    I used to have a huge crush on James Spader. Back when he did Pretty in Pink. Oh and Wolf with Jack Nicholson. His skin wasn’t so stretcby then. (*smirk*)

  9. The Guv'ner Says:

    Hey Lady! I have a Latin text book somewhere around from high school, that might do it also! Nothing like some Latin to put a person into hibernation.

    Honestly, I don’t know what those damn cats do at night that isn’t sleeping but it’s noisy. You hear weird yowly noises, lots of pitter pattering of feet and then a crash. I imagine the living room, should I go in there and put the light on, would look something like that scene in the movie theater in “Gremlins”.

  10. The Guv'ner Says:

    Miss Sec: NO! He is a creepy man! Even when he was young he was creepy. He just looks like if you hugged him too tight he’d slip out of your grip and launch into orbit. Argh! And those big, moist, rubbery lips. AAAAAH! Now I’ve gone and freaked myself out.

  11. Suze Says:

    With your last description of James Spader, I’m afraid I won’t be able to sleep tonight. Thanks Guv! I’m going to call you around 3:00 a.m. just in case you need someone to read you a story to make you sleepy. That’s what kind of friend I am 🙂

  12. pistols at dawn Says:

    Dear Guv,

    Why the hell don’t we get significantly more done, given that we collectively don’t sleep enough for one person? I don’t even have a puking cat as an excuse.

    But we can all agree on James Spader, except for him in Tuff Turf, because that movie is AWESOME. That scene where he sneaks into the country club to sing that Journey-esque piano ballad “We Walk the Night” to his love interest? Cinematic genius.

    I’ll tell you what I’m doing with my not sleeping time tonight: watching “Tuff f-ing Turf!”

  13. The Guv'ner Says:

    Suze: Any glimpse of the Spader ensures you don’t sleep at night. I didn’t make him nasty I just reminded you of the nasty. He is the ideal candidate for a serial killer if you ask me.

    PAD: You know what that crooning scene says? It says, “Once I’m done with this song, I am going to cut out your kidneys with a butter knife and feed them to the dog.”

    You sick puppy.

  14. Laughing through my chardonnay Says:

    You know what helps me go to sleep? Lots and lots of wine.

    Hope you have better luck tonight!

  15. The Guv'ner Says:

    Unfortunately LTMC, wine and I aren’t on speaking terms. Honestly, I love the idea of it and the smell and everything but I just need to be in the same zipcode as wine (particularly red) and my face looks like someone took boxing practice on it and I get a headache straight from Hades (or Detroit). But if I substitute “wine” for “tequila” I think a solution could be reached…

  16. Leonesse Says:

    mmmm, tequila….

  17. The Guv'ner Says:

    Tequila is the nectar of all that good and true in the world. Thank you Mexico.

  18. MsPuddin Says:

    see yet another reason why I don’t like cats…I hate nights like that…look on the bright side right now starbucks is putting peppermint in everything…


  19. The Guv'ner Says:

    See Ms. P – somewhat on a tangent here, but I never got the whole peppermint in drinks thing. It’s just wrong. I only just got used to smearing it on my teeth. I don’t want it in my liquids. It really gives me the heebiejeebies. Shudder. However, peppermint might be a fine anti-vomit-stench combatant. I might shove a peppermint candy cane up each nostril! That would surely work. And allow me to make walrus jokes at the same time.

    Thanks for that!

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