The Boss Is Confused. The Guv’ner Is An Idiot. We’ll Call It a Tie.

Today’s travel clusterfuck went thus: We had a snow warning in New York and some flights got canceled so the travel department, being forward thinking about such things, got The Boss a back-up flight just in case his flight back from Colorado was delayed hugely or heaven forbid, he get stranded in Colorado and eaten by bears. I sort of preferred the bears option personally, but the Travel Department are good, outstanding citizens who like their executives alive. And without teeth marks. Or puncture wounds. Or like…stumps for limbs. I think I’m getting excited! My cold black heart’s a-flutterin’.

The problem with this plan? They didn’t bother telling ME they’d arranged a second flight as a back up and, as it turned out, a third also in case number two befell some unforeseen and totally bogus tragedy.

Hee. I said number two. Hee.

Anyway, around 5 in the pee em, just as I’m unplugging my iPod in readiness for a swift exit, I get a phone call from Delta. Telling me that The Boss’s flight has been delayed an hour and will now depart at 8:10 p.m. I email The Boss this info as he is mysteriously incommunicado with some golf clubs.

Then I think, “Hold on one goshdarn minute there mister!” because I wasn’t born yesterday. “The Boss is on American.”

I check itineraries. And sure enough, he is on American. Not Delta. So I think, “Hmm… something is not hunky dory in the land of travel plans.” Because I think we just established I wasn’t born yesterday.

Then I get a phone call from The Boss saying “So my flight’s at 8:10 now? But…aren’t I on American?” insert sound of crickets.

I call our travel department and get my buddy Jay. Jay’s big and black and has a voice like smooth, sweet treacle. Every time I see or talk to him I’m reminded of Chef from South Park singing songs about “laying you down by the fie-ah and making sweet love to ya woo-man”. He checks the data base and says, “Woo-man, your boss is still on that American flight at 7 p.m. It isn’t delayed or canceled. But…wait….”

Oh God. What?

It’s then that Jay tells me that Jane our travel lady booked a Delta flight as back up and a Continental one as well for variety (we are not planeist!) just in case a blizzard suddenly came along and lay down on New York City and flights get all screwed up and diverted to like…Newfoundland. Which wouldn’t work. Since it snows all the time there. Hmmm. Didn’t think that through at all…

I don’t get it though. If one airline cancels their flights why would another one not? Is there some big business “My airline’s harder than your airline” type competition going on? Is there some juiced up, beefy-jawed pilot at Delta going, “Bring it ON baby! Gimme that blizzard. Ice it up too. In fact, set that sucker on fire! El Flamo baby, that’s my name. And no, that doesn’t make me sound gay at all! Where are my steroids? Inject that sweet liquid right into my ass cheek like Roger Clemens at a frat party! No challenge is too great for DeltaMan (TM)! You American Airlines guys are pussies!” He’d be all macho and stick his chin in the air kinda like the dude from “American Dad” and he’d totally chew razor blades and eat puppies on his sandwiches.

Barbecued crispy puppies.

Anyway, since we still have the original 7 p.m. booking I call The Boss, who miraculously has his cell on for a change and who is about to use his extra hour to enjoy a dram of something expensive and nippy at the hotel bar to inform him that “Oh my God, get ye to the airport, immediatement s’il vous plait!”

Naturally, when I explain the “Well see, I have this flight then we have these back up flights…” he hears, “blah blah rhubarb, nnnnnth ummmmbbbbbb drool” and I have to explain it five other times the last one being like this: “Flight at 7. Get to airport. Plane will depart. Get ass on plane.” all while running round my office with my arms extended like an airplane.

Finally, he ran off to ready his departure and I escaped before he could call me back to explain all over again.

Gosh, I can’t wait for tomorrow, can you? I can’t see anything POSSIBLY going wrong.


18 Responses to “The Boss Is Confused. The Guv’ner Is An Idiot. We’ll Call It a Tie.”

  1. The Charming Hedonist Says:

    A back up flight for the back up flight. On different airlines. wow. That’s really all I can say about that.

  2. The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: Says:

    I have done EXACTLY the same thing with EXACTLY the same reaction. Yes my flight is cancelled. Wait! What? I’m on a different airline. Scramble, scramble. Feel really dumb.

    Travel is so glamorous.

    Oh and even tho two different airlines are traveling to the same location – one could be cancelled and the not depending on where they were coming FROM. If there’s an ice storm in NY, and balmy in St. Louis only the flight starting in St. Louis will make it to Denver to take you boss to his final destiniation.

    Wow, this is a long comment. I’m hitting Send anyway…

  3. The Guv'ner Says:

    TCH: I agree wholeheartedly. That’s decadence for you.

    Lady: I don’t mind if they do this stuff – hey it’s great to be prepared, just let me the hell know when you do it and don’t leave me bamboozled when I get a call from another airline confirming plans I never made. AAARGH! Way to give someone a heart attack.

    Whine whine whine. It’s my middle name these days.

  4. minijonb Says:

    Like the guys from Mogwai once said (well, didn’t really say, it’s just a song title and Mogwai doesn’t really sing…) “Travel is Dangerous” …sounds like it is for you as well!

  5. The Guv'ner Says:

    Hey MJB! It’s dangerous if you’re my boss that’s for sure because if the travel won’t kill you, me and my murderous intent will get you later.

    I can only surmise this is why we get weekends. By Friday you’re at breaking point then WHAM (not WHAM!, Hi George Michael!) it’s Saturday and there’s tequila. Saving the day as always.

  6. gizmorox Says:

    God I hate snow. Causes all sorts of problems.

  7. The Guv'ner Says:

    Giz: It fills my panties with grumpy. (Not the dwarf!)

  8. Some Goofy Woman Says:

    Oh my. I was laughing out loud. Well done. Very funny.

    I can’t even think of a funny quip. That will have to suffice.


  9. The Guv'ner Says:

    Haha, that’s ok. I can never think of them either.

    They fall out of my brain and onto the screen and if it’s not funny so be it. Usually I can distract from anyone noticing the unfunny by being confusing instead. I have methods.

  10. BeckEye Says:

    Um, what’s a travel department.

    Hold on.

    Ok, I just asked my boss. Apparently, I am our travel department.

    Delta told me twice yesterday that a particular flight was on time with no problems, then I found out this morning that it was cancelled. Apparently, that was my fault, or so I gathered from the eye roll Mr. Cancelled Flight gave me this morning.

    I am the travel department! I control the airspace!!

  11. The Guv'ner Says:

    Beckeye: You keep going into my spam folder. I keep telling it BECKEYE is NOT SPAM. Bad GMAIL.

    Um what? You just gave me the cold chills because I have been in that situation SO MANY TIMES. I was the travel dept. in my last job too.

    yesterday I checked with travel AND with American just to be safe but since they can see the same booking system you get the same answer. They don’t know what the AIRPORT is doing until later by which time flights are canceled, we know nothing about it and bosses are pissed to hell and it is ALWAYS our fault.

    And they wonder why we drink.

  12. WendyB Says:

    All I have to say is…I’m hosting a kegger under your desk. See you there.

  13. pistols at dawn Says:

    That sounds ridiculous. I wish our military had plans like this.

  14. The Guv'ner Says:

    WendyB: You’re like my evil twin. ANOTHER kegger!? Yes please!

    Pistols: Are you saying the military DOESN’T have an effed up convoluted Plan B?

  15. Suze Says:

    I like the part where you’re flying around your office like an airplane. What time is the kegger party as I’m always up for a sympathy drink!

  16. The Guv'ner Says:

    Suze: It’s at ANYTIME!

  17. Leonesse Says:

    I am there! Can we wear stretchy pants and slippers? I think we’d fit better if we did.

  18. The Guv'ner Says:

    Stretchiness is a NECESSITY missy! Bring it.

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