Still Serene….Sort Of

Today has been deceptively quiet and serene again. I say “deceptively” because although it is indeed quiet and not filled with tense, hair pulling situations that make you want to reach for a bong and the yoga matt, it is also filled with disguised anguish in the form of my somewhat podgy boss (what did he eat over the holiday I wonder, a few sweet meats or his whole family?)

I got him a huge bottle of booze for Christmas because I thought it only polite and because if he, in return, got me zip, I could pour that bottle of booze over his fat head and set it on fire, providing entertainment and a long absence during which I could relax and ignore work completely. Naturally, he got me nothing and the booze is nowhere to be seen. Damn! So much for the plan.

You see the Guv’ner always has a plan. It might not be a smart plan or even a particularly well thought out one, but it’s a plan nonetheless. A planless Guv’ner is like a small, insignificant child tossed like seaweed upon a wild ocean during a typhoon, clinging to a raft made from like….palm tree fronds and the sinews of turtles. A scary and pathetic sight to behold.

Today my boss said, “Get the number for [new lady] from the directory.” Which I dutifully did.

“This isn’t right!” said boss, frowning like a diseased Teletubby. “[woman] has a different area code!”

“Well this is the number in the directory.” I told him. “That is the only number there is.”

“Well it’s wrong, you should make sure to give me the right number.” he said like I should automatically know when someone’s number is wrong and sulked off to his office to stare at his feet. Because, you know I am responsible for the directory all by myself. For 9,000 people. NOT.

Later he came in and tossed some money on my desk. “Go buy tea for my guest.” he said and mumbled something about getting him a Coke.

“Diet?” I asked, because he always drinks Diet Coke or Pepsi. I wasn’t hinting that his gigantic bulbous belly region needed trimming or anything.

“Regular!” he snapped as if I’d asked if his mother fucked baboons. And actually, that would go a long way to explaining a lot

Since then he’s been generally whiny and silly.

Last night he had a dinner with an ex-client that another of our Account Heads was involved in. At the last minute my boss decided to change the venue and go to the client instead of making them traipse into the city. He naturally didn’t bother telling the other Department Head who was attending, this vital information. I called her on the off chance, since little alarm bells were going off in my head and what do you know – it was complete news to her. If my boss had his way she’d still be in NYC sitting confused and abandoned at a little corner table of an expensive restaurant drinking Martinis, getting teary and drunk and waiting for people who would never come. Isn’t that sad?

Then I remembered she is my extremely annoying ex-boss and a total mega-bitch. This pleasing image of her all alone in a busy restaurant, tears dripping down on the gingham table setting, started to give me a warm, fuzzy feeling in the pit of my tummy and I had to slam my head off the desk as penance for preventing this awesome fantasy from ever coming true.

I blame this head cold. It’s slowing down my evil thinking.

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22 Responses to “Still Serene….Sort Of”

  1. Teri Says:

    he throws money at you and expects you to buy everyone something to drink?

  2. The Guv'ner Says:

    ….yes! I am but a waitress to that man. Sniff. Still it does give me license to “tamper” with any drinks I so desire if it were to come to it…

  3. WendyB Says:

    OMG! That is such a good idea with the booze. I should have given that one ex-friend of mine liquor instead of jewelry. Then stand by with a lighter…

  4. landis smithers Says:

    if one were to accidentally, say, replace all of one’s boss’ drinks and food with high caloric versions of said food, would one’s boss ever know?

    i think not.

    and would not the gradual expansion of one’s stupid boss’ waistline be reward in and of itself?

    i think so.

  5. The Guv'ner Says:

    You know, Mr. Smithers, I love the way you think. It’d be like that scene in MEAN GIRLS when LiLo makes the bitch girl eat high calorie energy bars telling her they’re for weight loss and she ends up fat! Hee!

  6. Suze Says:

    I’m writing down that “booze” gift right now on my calendar so that next year around the holidays I won’t forget it.

    Please call if you need any help with your evilness during your head cold period. I am a trained professional.

  7. The Guv'ner Says:

    Suze: Just write down “Human Molotov Cocktail” and that should cover it!

  8. Leonesse Says:

    I love the way you think.

  9. The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: Says:

    I’m shocked and a little disappointed that you gave him a gift without waiting to see if he’d give you one first.

    He is a very rude man who obviously doesn’t have a wife who gives a damn about him, or she would have had your back in the gift department.

  10. The Guv'ner Says:

    Leo: I loved the way I think until I took that FBI screening test that was doing the rounds on the Internetz a while ago and found out I thought like a serial killer. Who knew?

  11. The Guv'ner Says:

    Lady: I agree! Damn man should’ve gifted me to high heaven for all the nightmare scenarios I’ve saved him from. Ungrateful bastard! He normally regifts something to me anyway. I mean that’s the only reason I can see for the stuff he’s given me.

  12. pistols at dawn Says:

    This guy sounds so lazy that I can’t believe he doesn’t just regift the gift you just handed him back to you.

  13. The Guv'ner Says:

    That would be cool cos I still have the receipt and I could get my money back!

  14. ~:*:*:Pixie:*:*:~ Says:

    What an asshole.

    I think you should start buying him lots and lots of the Russel Stover’s brand ‘Sugar Free’ chocolates… they’re full of sugar alcohols… he’ll be to busy trotting off to the bathroom to bother you.

    It is exlax in disguise.

    Buahahahahahahahaaaaaaa! Take THAT, Mr. Poopoo pants!

    waiver: I just came home from a trip to work to “fix” a situation that did not exist so I’m feeling particularly bitchy and hateful. I knew I’d find solace here.

    *grinning widely*

  15. The Guv'ner Says:

    Oh that is just nasty, those bastards. Nothing like being called in unnecessarily Ms. Pixie. It’s a hanging offense in my mind. I will proceed to think mean thoughts all night on your behalf.

  16. So@24 Says:

    I totally feel you with the boss dilemma.

    Thank God my new boss seems amazing (knock on wood), but I’ve run into that EXACT problem where the information you’re provided is wrong and it’s not your fault. WHat are you supposed to do??

    Guh. Dont even get me started.

  17. Chris Says:

    Hoo boy. Sounds like rampant peckerheadery all around. (That’s going to be the name of my next band, by the way. “Rampant Peckerheadery.”)

  18. The Guv'ner Says:

    My boss is generally put upable with (is that correct English, I think not) Mr. So@24 but when he’s an ass, he reaches unknown heights on the assholilty scale just for good measure! 🙂 Good luck with having a good boss. They don’t come along that often!

    Chris: I LIKE THAT! Also I am stealing that phrase to use when people annoy me today. “Boy, the peckerheadery is rampant around here today!” 🙂 Awesome!

  19. minijonb Says:

    slip something extra into all his drinks this week… and i don’t mean spanish fly! use something Q would have given Bond.

  20. The Guv'ner Says:

    Alternatively I could just slip some Mad Dog 20 into his coffee – that stuff is more lethal than any chemical out there! :):) GROSS!

  21. The Idea Of Progress Says:

    You know it would have been your fault. I get in trouble for these things all the time at work, even when the change of venue isn’t even told to me.

  22. The Guv'ner Says:

    IoP: Well that is why people HAVE minions like us. To BLAME. They just don’t realize our specialness. They don’t know that without us they’d sink like a great, big stone. Or maybe not since they’d blame us anyway.

    Heh, I typed balm at first. Which is sort of funny. Not as funny as ENbalm however…

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