A Day In The Life

The Guv’ner’s not a morning person. I know this probably astounds every last one of you since I practically ooze perkiness and good, solid, upstanding sanity from each of my pores, but alas it’s true. Mornings and I are rivals. Deadly combatants if you will. One day I shall be God and mornings will be outlawed along with broccoli, frat boys, anything to do with Bon Jovi and the blatant display of women flaunting their visible muffin tops in public.

Unfortunately mornings are the time I have to drag my reluctant carcass out of bed and into the cold to get to a place where I shiver at a desk while listening to outbursts from the Dark Überlord such as, “My mouse is acting funny!” (The obvious answer is “Stop tickling it and give it some cheese, chulo!”) and “What do I do with this document?” (which provokes so many retorts in my head my brain just imploded with the scope of it all.)

I don’t like to talk in the mornings because my brain is still waking up. If it’s before 11 a.m. please use sign language and pass me notes or I will growl and run my finger suggestively along the business end of my axe while smirking at you menacingly. If you must talk, do it fast then run like your pants are on fire. Hang around any longer and take it from me, they will be.

One thing it’s good not to do in the morning is call me on the phone and try to sell me something I don’t need, don’t want and would bludgeon you over the head with if you were trying it in person. Think of it this way? Would you want it rammed up your ass? Then there you go, sport.

I do appreciate when the maintenance guy shows up first thing and offers to fix my wiring (!) but I can do without the stunning vista of his ass crack as he’s crouching down with his trusty screwdriver. There’s enough cleavage down there to store an entire tool kit. Any minute now he’s going to produce a hack saw and a step ladder from its deep recesses and I will have to stick pencils in my eyes to erase that image from my psyche.

Afternoons are OK though. I’ve eaten, I’ve had coffee and I am running laps of the office really fast (depending on the amount of coffee) and I will talk to anyone, no matter who it is and sometimes even inanimate objects or just myself if no one else is available (or they’re hiding). Although why would anyone hide from the Guv’ner? I will accomplish thirteen tasks at once, find something I lost in 2005 and sing to myself while I do it. I will enthusiastically use big words and join them all together in one monster sentence because I can. I am caffeine woman. I am filled with fake energy and twitchy limbs all desperate to run in five directions at one time.

I will spurt random sentences for no reason:

New Zealand is Australia’s Canada!

You smell like sick!

Matt Frei from BBC America World News has a ginormous, papier machier head!

The capital of Bosnia is Sarajevo!

Oprah eats babies!

Hey at least they’re all true.

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18 Responses to “A Day In The Life”

  1. The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: Says:

    Hurry for coffee! Although I reluctantly confess to being a dreaded “morning person”. Yes. I’m chipper when I wake up – provided that I’ve had a good nights sleep.

    I do however know and love a great many non morning people so I know to tip toe around delicately so as to keep all my teeth for another day. I’m also typically the person who is up and making the coffee in the mornings (since I’m up anyway) – so you’re welcome.

    Yes. I’m perky AND empathic. Go ahead and try to hate me. It’s not possible.

    Want some coffee? There’s a pot brewing.

  2. The Guv'ner Says:

    You are like the anti-me. Which honestly cannot be a bad thing. I’m a late night person. I can happily stay up till 4am doing whatever if I want to but I don’t do mornings. Not without a fight anyway. You’re quite clearly an alien.

  3. WendyB Says:

    I’m exposing my muffin top while eating broccoli and listening to Bon Jovi RIGHT NOW. Does this mean we can’t date anymore?

  4. Suze Says:

    You ARE my twin – right down to the IT guy that shares his crack (the ass not the drugs) with me. Aaargh – I’ve poked myself in the eyes before just to make the sight go away!!! Thanks for the tip about the axe, I hadn’t thought to bring that one to work.

  5. The Guv'ner Says:

    Suze: I find an axe says what words just cannot adequately convey…

    Wendy: SHAME ON YOU. You’re way too slim to ever have a muffin top but I TOTALLY believe you about the broccoli and Bon Jovi you wanton HUSSY.

  6. ~:*:*:Pixie:*:*:~ Says:

    ROFLMAO @ “you smell like sick”.

    I just spit my late night beer not only out my nose but my ears as well.

    Fuckin’ ay guv’ner!

  7. The Guv'ner Says:

    What a waste of good ale, woman! You should be flogged.

    Talking of sick, one of my cats spewed forth over my computer power cord tonight. It went into the little holes the plug goes into. GROSS.

  8. ~:*:*:Pixie:*:*:~ Says:

    *hgggghhhkkkk!*

    I HATE it when that happens!!! Let it dry before you clean it up or you’ll get zapped! Not that I know first hand or anything….

    And don’t worry yourself about the ale-foul – got one of those nifty cocktail straws so I can suck it out from between the keys!

    HE HEEEEEEEE!

    night night!
    Thump.

  9. The Guv'ner Says:

    Hey Pix. Sounds to me like ale has already had an influence on your evening. Rock on, lady!!!! Wish I had ale. I have ginger ale but that doesn’t count…

  10. pistols at dawn Says:

    So, your politics are anti-it’s a new morning in America?

    Also, I blame your lover, Richard Grieco, for encouraging you to end your sentences in “chulo.”

  11. The Guv'ner Says:

    Hey POD: It was one sentence EVER, Chulo! Ok, make that two now.

    I knew it had to happen. You can’t keep a dark secret like that forever without some know it all finding out and exploiting it. Richard’s and my love is undisputed and a beautiful, fragile thing. Especially when he keeps selling my organs for crack for Yasmin Bleeth.

  12. MsPuddin Says:

    I agree 100%! I think we should meet secretly and create a plan to have all the chipper, talkative, yogurt eating, fresh faced, never hit the snooze button, rolls over and hops right out of bed, goes jogging at 7am, people killed. I’m serious. They must die.

    And Oprah does eat babies, I saw it on a 60 mins episode….

  13. The Guv'ner Says:

    Agreed, Miss P! Down with you perky early birds. Mornings are for grunting, scratching your ass and seething at humanity, not being filled with joy and skipping through the daisies.

    I think Oprah isn’t a morning person either, hence her baby-eating fetish. You don’t get to be rich and powerful as Oprah without a few infants being sacrificed. During her larger days she ate chocolate covered babies for that extra sweetness.

  14. BeckEye Says:

    Oprah does not eat babies, you liar. She bathes in their blood.

    I loves me some Bon Jovi (I’m an American and I’ve lived in Jersey, plus Jon has a fabulous head of hair…and teeth, ass, etc.) I do hate mornings though. I’ve almost killed my roommate a few times because he refuses to abide by my “Do not speak to me in the morning” rule. He won’t abide by my “Do not speak to me the minute I get in the door from work” rule either. Two things I hate to hear are “Good morning” and “How was your day?” When you become prez or God or whatever, can you have him killed? Or just strike him mute.

  15. Some Goofy Woman Says:

    “You smell like sick!”

    That’s AWESOME! I’m going to start using that.

  16. The Guv'ner Says:

    Oh come now BeckEye, Oprah then uses the entrails to make a nice stew.

    I will add your room mate to my hit list of people who need to be tied down and tickled until they repent properly. How’s that?

    Goofy Woman: I use it a lot in real life. It’s an insult you can disguise as an observation! 🙂

  17. catherinette Says:

    This seems like something I should try on a first date. I’m sure the random sentences would lead to a meaningful one night encounter.

  18. The Guv'ner Says:

    Miss Singleton: Dude, I’m pretty sure if you find a nice boy with a raging case of ADD you might be on to a sure thing there!!! 🙂

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