WTF Is Going On?

I think I might have chocolate poisoning hence the delusions of grandeur and strange vivid imagination.

Today The Guv’ner is a guest on the Jay Leno Show, isn’t that exciting! Here’s the transcript:

Jay
Guv’ner, welcome to the show. Your giant head that eclipses the sun is beaming at me provocatively.
Guv’ner
Like you can talk about my head with that chin, Leno.
Jay
So..what do you think of L.A. so far?
Guv’ner
Well, I think it’s full of skinny wimmins and Crips, Jay.
Jay
Now, we all want to know all about the tremendously interesting world of admin don’t we audience? Let’s hear some of your stories about corporate decadence and whiny brat bosses who can’t find their own ass with a Lonely Planet Guide!
Guv’ner
Hmm.. Let me see. As I told you back in the Green Room, I have some zany shit…wait, can I say that on TV? Caca how about that? I have some zany caca occurring in my life regarding my job. Incidentally, talking of the Green Room, did I see Seth MacFarlane of ‘Family Guy’ lounging around back there before in a smoking leather jacket? Because if it helps, I would gladly entertain him on your couch for 20 minutes.
Jay
Uh…the work stories?
Guv’ner
Oh yeah. Whatever. I had this boss…
Jay
Hahahahaha!
Guv’ner
I haven’t started yet, Jay.
Jay
I’m sorry, please…
Guv’ner
I had this boss who was a giant horse’s ass…can I say “ass” on TV Jay?
Jay
Uh…I think you got away with it.
Guv’ner
He was a giant horse’s ass as I was saying…well actually more of a colossal dickwad, to be honest. He used to fart a lot. You know, loud and smelly broccoli farts that hung in the air like yellow fog. And he was made entirely of dandruff.
Jay
Hahahahaha!!!!
Guv’ner
No wait, that’s not the funny part. Try to contain yourself.
Jay
Dandruff? Dandruff is funny!
Guv’ner
If you say so, Jay. Anyway this boss was a whiner. Big time whining. He could whine for America. And most of Canada and probably Mexico too. Bosses suck that is the moral of the story.
Jay
I had a boss once who used to tie his shoes funny.
Guv’ner
Did you Jay? That’s nice. Now about Seth MacFarlane and his sexy voice… Not that your voice isn’t sexy, but it’s attached to that chin, so you know. Balance and all that.
Jay
Oh. Uh. Hahaha.
Guv’ner
I have a great story about my boss boffing a client at a charity fundraiser! I can name names and everything! Republicans are involved!
Jay
I think it might be time for commercials.

Oh what? Like Leno doesn’t interview YOU in your fantasies.

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s entry where The Guv’ner finds out she’s lost all of her marbles!

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19 Responses to “WTF Is Going On?”

  1. WendyB Says:

    Thanks for warming up the crowd for me…Jay is interviewing me about my Oscar next! See ya in the green room at Letterman!

  2. The Guv'ner Says:

    Gasp! SUPER!!!! I can entertain WendyB on the couch for 20 minutes instead! 🙂 Rock on lady!

  3. Teri Says:

    I found some of your marbles rolling in the streets of Philly. Wow, they’ve traveled far.

  4. The Guv'ner Says:

    Teri: That’s nothing. There are some in Timbuktu! It’s ok though. I have plenty.

  5. Suze Says:

    Damn it Guv! No wonder no one caught me on Letterman last night. When we take over the world, we’re going to have to talk scheduling.

  6. The Guv'ner Says:

    Damn, that always happens, Suze. We need to totally get a talk show schedule. We can divide them up then switch. It will be riveting. Well YOU will I’ll just be a sad sack telling bad jokes!

  7. minijonb Says:

    John Stweart does all the interviews in my dreams… some times it’s Ellen, but only in a three-way with that Portia girlfriend of hers.
    =:-)

  8. Laughing through my chardonnay Says:

    When I read this I actually heard his annoying, high pitched voice. I couldn’t stop laughing! You aren’t actually in LA are you?

  9. The Guv'ner Says:

    MiniJonb: Hahahaha! Boys and lesbians, I don’t know! Tsk! I wouldn’t mind Jon Stewart interviewing me. He used to live in my neighbourhood. I’d see him out with his kid sometimes. He’s little!

    Miss Laughing: No, not in LA. I like LA though contrary to what that just said. I have a friend there I visit on occasion. I like the weather a lot. I’m sick of NYC weather. Damn cold.

    Poor Jay Leno! I actually prefer him to Letterman though I think.

  10. MsPuddin Says:

    I’m surprised he hasn’t got that chin rotated since he lives in LA…

    I take it you don’t like your boss?

  11. The Guv'ner Says:

    You know Miss P. my boss is ok. It’s more the ex-boss I rant about, the enormous waste of flesh that he is. Heinous he beast.

  12. pistols at dawn Says:

    That would be the first time I ever thought Jay Leno was worth watching.

  13. The Guv'ner Says:

    Talk shows are always kind of lame Pistols, me old dear. Leno is very Hollywood I think. I only watch him if there’s someone on there I am interested to see which is like…NEVER.

  14. BeckEye Says:

    No no, Craig Ferguson interviews me in my fantasies. And then we get it on.

    And then I have a three-way with Jeremy Sisto and Eddie Vedder. That’s how all of my fantasies end.

  15. The Guv'ner Says:

    See Beck, I wouldn’t mind being interviewed by Craig myself he’s a laugh! However, I wouldn’t want to get it on with him because he’s too Scottish. I’m Scottish. There’s no mystery! 🙂

    Eddie Vedder? Really?

  16. Chris Says:

    I honestly haven’t watched late-night talk shows since Johnny Carson retired. I tried to watch that one guy for a while, what’s his name? Arsineo Hall. He wasn’t bad.

    I’m old and lame now. I gum my mush after work and go to bed at eight.

  17. The Guv'ner Says:

    Chris: Don’t forget your nice cup of cocoa and hot water bottle now! 🙂

    I don’t watch talk shows ever unless I find out someone I want to see is on in which case I’ll check it out, but that happens about once a year! I am hard to please, dammit!

  18. The Idea Of Progress Says:

    Not only will Leno not interview me, but neither will Carson Daley, Charlie Rose, or Alan Thicke (although it’s been a while since he had a talk show)

  19. The Guv'ner Says:

    It’s ok, IoP! There’s still Craig Ferguson, Conan and Jimmy Kimmel. Or maybe even Letterman. You are pretty big time after all!

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