Reflection (and Woe Is Me)

Sitting on the subway this morning, wedged in all close and personal beside some burly man with his legs spread wide enough to be in different continents, I started thinking there must be more to life than this commuting business. There must be more to life than being jammed in a car with 300 sweaty commuters’ groins shoved in my face and the stenchariffic aroma from the gaseous emissions and coffee breath of 300 people who have just eaten breakfast. The absolute joy of clinging to a clammy pole (well hello sailor!) while some geek is jammed up against your rear (and that better be a gun in your pocket, sonny). Then that frigid walk to the office with your buttocks clenched and your scarf up around your face like a bank robber. The headaches from the office lights and air conditioning. The grumpy, vague boss. The lack of anything remotely resembling alcohol in my possession for an afternoon pick-me-up, unless you include some body spray which probably tastes better than it smells. You see, this is not MY life. This is someone else’s life. Someone didn’t get the memo. My life is out there somewhere looking at its watch going, “Where the hell is she?”

Meanwhile, it’s on a beach someplace warm, sitting under a palm tree watching the waves and sucking on a lurid colored cocktail. It’s muttering sarcastic, dry comments under its breath (no change there). It’s smelling the salt in the air and hearing the waves lapping to shore. It’s watching a stray surfer wipe out on a wave and crash into the ocean like a spaz while it laughs and snorts itself into a fit. It’s eyeing up some dude in shorts waxing his board. It’s inventing lewd euphemisms for masturbation, like “waxing his board”. And “five finger shuffle”. And “throwing a log on the fire.” It’s sporking out its eyes at the sight of a middle-aged, beer-gutted mullet from Long Island, in a Speedo, flexing on the sand. (Well there has to be some downside)

I’m pretty sure it isn’t filling out travel expense reports and quarterly budget costs and juggling meetings like oranges while some over-grown frat boys stand around outside the office, scratching their balls and talking about booze and figures and women and “I HAVE AN ENORMOUS WANG, WORSHIP ME!”

The Guv’ner needs a plan. A plan that’s better than the current plan of “Analyze your life then whine about it, yet again.” Yup.

P.S. Also, does anyone know why, whenever I go to type blogger.com into the location bar in Firefox, I always wind up typing BOOGER? Am I seven?

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24 Responses to “Reflection (and Woe Is Me)”

  1. WendyB Says:

    OMG! I think my life is hanging out with your life!

  2. The Guv'ner Says:

    Bastards! This is mutiny.

    Your life was otherwise occupied with being locked out by the Google Overlords! 🙂

  3. Michelle Says:

    I saw both of your lives today… they were hanging out on Coronado Island beach with mine; discussing whether they should enjoy drinks at the piano bar or dinner at the Shearwater before heading across the bridge to San Diego to party.

    …they didn’t even wave…

  4. ~:*:*:Pixie:*:*:~ Says:

    Oh… that was me. *snort*

  5. The Guv'ner Says:

    Hahaha, you confusing multi-personality lady.

    It’s blatantly wrong that our lives are hanging out doing fun-in-the-sun things while we’re….not. Serve a subpoena immediately!

  6. Laughing through my chardonnay Says:

    I think our lives are all together, drinking, sunning it up and laughing at what we have actually become. Bitches.

    I hate the whole quater-life crisis thing.

  7. The Guv'ner Says:

    Agreed Miss Chard. They can fuck right off those lives.

    Damn, I wish I was having a quarter life crisis. You youngsters. Wait till you have a big glaring 3 (or higher) starting your age then you’ll wish for that quarter-life business! 🙂

  8. MsPuddin Says:

    Well if your life ever switches to the other life can I lay next to you so we can tag team the guy with the board and I can laugh at your sarcastic comments? Fck the fruity drink, lets do tequila shots and pass out face first in the sand, since this is a fantasy and all…

  9. The Guv'ner Says:

    Damn Miss P, the tequila shots thing isn’t fantasy that’s my REAL life! 🙂 You haven’t really lived till you’ve woken up and actually believed you were dead.

  10. Suze Says:

    Don’t worry about that Guv. You’ll hit your 40’s and then you’ll worry about stray chin hairs, large pores and trying to remember where you boobs actually used to hang when you were in your 30’s and reflecting.

    Most times when I have to type “public” I type Pubic. I guess I am seven also.

  11. BeckEye Says:

    You and me both, sister.

    P.S. Everytime I try to type comcast.net, I end up typing cocmast. I always imagine that was probably some really dirty pirate slang term.

  12. The Guv'ner Says:

    Suze: I do the pubic thing too (oh that sounded fruity!) I think it’s subconscious for “there is something wrong with me”.

    Dude, I better not ever sport a beard. Of course I could then work in the circus.

    Beckeye: COCMAST!!! I’ve heard people refer to comcast in terms not unlike that for real. Cock masters maybe! 🙂 Sounds like a good porn name. Jeff Cockmast as “Skip the delivery boy”

  13. Some Goofy Woman Says:

    Hey Booger!

    Your life called. It wants your stinky sub ride life because it’s fucking bored out of its mind without conflict.

    -AD

  14. The Guv'ner Says:

    Hey, my life is mellow, man. It’s all placid and tranquil and doesn’t need no stinking conflict and excitement. It wants two things: Cocktails and scenery. At least for a little while.

  15. CDP Says:

    I’m still stuck on the quarter-life crisis. I’m there too, since I expect to live to 170.

  16. pistols at dawn Says:

    Isn’t that what everyone’s life is doing? I say, move near a beach. Every job sucks, but people seem to be happy near beaches.

  17. Chris Says:

    Beaches. Not a lot of ’em here in Iowa… Why, oh WHY did my sainted forefathers decided to settle HERE? A whole continent of cool stuff out there, and they stop HERE. I could have been a poor miserable wretch in a completely different part of the continent, had that stupid wagon not broken down HERE…

    Oh well. Here isn’t all that bad of a place to be, I guess. But I do dream of beaches.

  18. The Guv'ner Says:

    CDP: Damn straight, I never plan to die. In fact that’s what my tombstone will say: “Here lies the Guv’ner – She didn’t plan on dying.”

    Pistols: Beach bum sounds good. I could do that job! Actually, now I think about it, it sounds like a tropical disease…

    Chris: I guess you can’t get much further from the ocean than Iowa, huh! Still you got some nice scenery! And I mean..I’ve seen Field of Dreams, ok. There’s CORN. And sunshine in the summer. How bad can it be? Plus being poor in Iowa has to beat being poor in NYC. Yup.

  19. The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: Says:

    I used to work with an old gal in the secretary pool, nearing retirement whose dream was to chuck it all and rent bicycles to tourists on the beach in Negril. Her backup retirement plan was to botch an armed bank robbery and live out the rest of her life in prison where she’d have free board, food and medical and all the time in the world to read trashy novels.

    Her endless discussion of these plans was the catalyst that motovated me to get my degree.

  20. katrocket Says:

    You poor thing. You just need a flask in your desk drawer.

  21. Ms. Laaw-yuhr Says:

    I know just what you mean. I periodically get a case of what I like to call “spiritual ennui”. When that happens, I feel the need to immediately do something different to shake things up. This sometimes involves something like a trip, or alternately just a group of bad, rash decisions that at least bring a change of routine.

  22. The Guv'ner Says:

    Kat: I think you’re definitely on to something…

    Miss L: I LIKE bad, rash decisions. They can work out nicely! 🙂 I am mentally planning a couple of trips for this year but whether I’ll be in a position to do them is another matter. One can hope though. It keeps me going.

  23. landis smithers Says:

    kidlet, you are adorable.

    and your life is actually sitting right next to you, whispering this shit in your ear to get you going, to rile you up, and to force you to find your way to that freakin beach.

    you will. your life seems obstinate about these things.

  24. The Guv'ner Says:

    Landis, you know you are correct, my life IS stubborn. It will not be defeated by office land doldrums dammit. In fact, it will kick things off this evening by procuring some margarita mix and a better attitude! :):)

    And then it will curse at not jet setting to South America like other people I could mention…

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