Pass The Meat Cleaver

The Guv’ner is back to talking in the third person which can mean only two things: I’m not feeling all that great or I’ve finally succumbed to my true vocation as a serial killer of corporate shrews.

Sadly, it is the former. I am in the throws of an evil sinus infection that is making me feel like there’s enough pressure in my head that if properly harnassed, could power a small rocket to Mars. My head could explode at any second from this build up and possibly take half of NYC with it. It could cover the whole of Lower Manhattan in snot and blood and brains (yes I have them!) and leave us all floundering in a primeval soup of slippery goo.

I’m sorry were you eating?

There’s also someone inside my head stabbing my eye sockets with a fork and when I catch that reprobate there are no limits to the can of whoop ass I will unleash upon them. You want pain, Evil Fork Wielder? I’ll give you pain.

I am home sick because I feel my being in close proximity to other human beings while feeling this delicate and combustible, could only result in bad, bad things.

Not that looking at a computer screen is helping my eye stabbing discomfort much. But my desire to whine is so encompassing that it overcomes any discomfort I may feel, in the name of garnering as much sympathy as possible from the Internetz.

Then I remember that Mr. Radloff just had his berries sliced by a maniac in a white coat wielding a scalpel and suddenly, I don’t feel so bad.

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19 Responses to “Pass The Meat Cleaver”

  1. CDP Says:

    Hope you feel better…and stay away from the weaponry til you do.

  2. Diane Mandy Says:

    Those first couple episodes sounds like the plot for the next Heroes saga. Send the plot in, before the writer strike settles!

  3. Diane Mandy Says:

    scratch that… first couple paragraphs. God, maybe I’ve been infected!

  4. BeckEye Says:

    I hope you’re feeling better soon. And I hope that my posting of that picture of Simon and Ryan in girl-shorts didn’t contribute to your illness.

  5. WendyB Says:

    Ugh…I feel your pain.I have been tormented by sinus problems. Feel better soon.

  6. Suze Says:

    My poor Guv. Go ahead and take a whack at management. It will certainly make you feel better.

  7. The Guv'ner Says:

    CDP: I have removed all sharp objects from the house. I also have cramps. Aren’t I lucky! At least I get it all over at once when I’m home. Of course it makes the onslaught of psychosis that much more of a possiblitiy…

    Diane: Hey, maybe they’ll pay ME scads to write garbage for the Tee Vee? Because I excel at writing garbage (as you can see!). Of course I don’t want to be a scab.

    Beckeye: Actually the photo just pushed me over the edge of sanity – it didn’t affect my sinuses at all unless they retracted then infected in horror as a protest.

    Wendy: Thank you! I will attempt to feel better even though having sick days when you’re actually sick is just WRONG. Where’s the fun?

    Suze: I think I like your plan. Yes, I like that. Meat cleaver the management. Add some cookie dough to the mix and that’s a party!

  8. gizmorox Says:

    I’m sorry you’re all sick, m’dear. I hope it subsides soon!

  9. The Guv'ner Says:

    Thanks miss Giz. Actually I’m feeling a bit better already. If the eye thing subsides and I sleep tonight I think tomorrow I’ll be so good I’ll be dangerous!

  10. minijonb Says:

    i’ll take quick action! i’ll order up a sinus transplant for you… or would you just like a new head for an extra hundred bucks?
    =:-)
    get well soon!

  11. The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: Says:

    Hey Guv in addition to hiding sharp instruments you should stop reading blog comments until you feel better.

    PS – the word verification was yathmuc – which sounds like what your sinus cavity is stuffed with at the moment.

    Are you still reading this? Get out of here.
    Masochist.

  12. The Guv'ner Says:

    MiniJon: A new head you say….Can I choose who it looks like? Maybe Drew Barrymore would be good. I like me some Drew. In a totally girly, non-gay manner.

    Lady: I am yathmuc’d out today. My cavities (nasal!) are full of the stuff. Breathing better now but the headache remains. Bad head. I think once I get my new head from Minijon all will be well in the house of the Guv’ner.

  13. mindy Says:

    I feel your pain. I really do.

  14. The Guv'ner Says:

    Thank you Mindy! I don’t know which is worse for pain: Dealing with executives or stabbing in the eye sockets. Hmmm…

  15. Chris Says:

    Head colds SUCK!

    Home remedy #432: My wife often has sinus infections and other icky crap like that. Recently she’s discovered that if she takes an empty sinus spray bottle and fills it with warm salt water and squirts that up her nose it causes nearly instant drainage.

    No, really. She does that. And she says it works wonders. I haven’t tried it myself, but she swears by it…

    I’m off to ice down my groinal-crotchy area now. I hope you get better soon!

  16. MsPuddin Says:

    I’m for some strange reason cracking up at the twisted description of what ails you. Feel better! If you catch that fork guy, hand him over I need him to stab a few people for me…

  17. The Guv'ner Says:

    Chris: the salty thing sounds just nasty enough to work! I might try it as I do indeed have one of those bottles at home. I’ve been snorting a prescription nasal spray which helps a lot but the headaches still persist. I will try anything now. If it works I will kiss Dag’s lovely Austrian feet.

    Ms. P: Fork guy is yours when I’m done. It could be some time though…I have a huge effing hitlist of folks who need a fork in the keester. 🙂

  18. Laughing through my chardonnay Says:

    Eeek. You sound wretched. Get some sleep. Hope you feel better soon!

  19. The Guv'ner Says:

    Chard: I hope to be fit in time for the weekend at which point I aim to switch medicine for margaritas. Sounds like a fair trade to me! Thanks!

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