Viva La Résistance

The Dark Überlord, who’s in Europe this week on business, called me yesterday distraught because his swanky hotel room (a five star hotel room at that) didn’t have an impressive enough view for his lofty tastes. “It overlooks a side street!” he spluttered, terrified by this unknown world of deprivation. Well that must have been just traumatizing. A side street! The indignity. There must be someone we can sue for the distress caused to his emotional psyche. Paging Doctor FUCK-YOU!

Also – horror! – the people in the room next door had the audacity to have an infant. Not that he could hear the kid or anything, but, in theory, he might hear it and then where would the world be if he was forced to wake up bleary-eyed and devoid of the brain cells necessary to participate in his meeting? Well the world would tilt on its axis, Dark Überlord. People would run shrieking through the streets, knocking over nuns and small children in their wake, causing massive traffic pile-ups and mayhem at intersections. Stores would close and public transport would grind to a halt and the market would drop to unprecedented lows and start a recession.

Silly old butt-sausage.

On the upside, since he’s been gone I’ve been taking advantage of my freedom by coming in late and closing my office door all day to block out the rest of the scum. I’ve been playing my iPod through the speakers and singing along. I’ve been avoiding all the minions who are scurrying around hyperactively, like ants, making sure the client’s ass is well and truly kissed and other très important matters of world shattering importance, while I swing on my chair giving them the finger.

It all irritates me. The corporate world is not The Guv’ner’s world. The Guv’ner’s world is filled with margaritas and cake and bad men and music and comedy shows and Edy’s Butter Pecan ice cream and gay abandon and cursing and cats and liquor and drawing cartoons and sticking pins in maps and like…dreaming about a debauched weekend in Amsterdam eating magic brownies and getting up at noon and sitting around half the day in her underpants and a t-shirt scooping cereal into her mouth and patting her tummy and playing with dogs and interfering with boys and writing tripe and playing guitar and wearing fuzzy slippers and it is not about sitting at a desk all day organzing meetings for half-witted fucktards who can’t tie their own shoelaces..

Let the rebellion begin.


41 Responses to “Viva La Résistance”

  1. CDP Says:

    His room overlooks a side street? Next door to an infant?
    How much is one man expected to endure?

  2. The Guv'ner Says:

    I know, honestly. He must be rocked to his very core. It’s like 9/11 all over again, man. 🙂

  3. Baroness von Bloggenschtern Says:

    Che Guevera – move over Rover, the Guv’ner’s taking over!

    Unfortunately, your Amsterdam-esque lifestyle/revolution is going to take some funding. Once you get that established, give me a call. I’m excellent at spending, er, allocating.

  4. The Guv'ner Says:

    Baroness: Consider yourself RECRUITED!

    Jeeze, it’s been years since I had a uh…interesting weekend in Amsterdam. This must be rectified. Get onto the logistics ASAP please. I’ll work on the lottery fix…um…winning, pronto. Awesome.

  5. Diane Mandy Says:

    Or you could get a job clicking links at Google. I hear that place ROCKS.

    Hmmmm. Google or Amsterdam?

    Yeah, your right. Let te rebellion begin!

  6. The Guv'ner Says:

    Clicking links or a weekend eating special cakes….what a dilemma, Diane. NOT. 🙂 I am in a cut loose mode this week. I’m longing for some debauchery. I want to feel a buzz. I think margaritas might help until I can get to Amsterdam.

  7. The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: Says:

    You know, I hate to use LOL, but there it is… L-O- f’ing L with exclamation points.


    You make me type LOL dear Guv.

    Tied up in a ribbon of Butt Sausage! So appropriate for the week I’m having.

  8. katrocket Says:

    I wanna be your Louis Riel. I got fired on Tuesday because I didn’t use enough tongue while kissing ass. And I just got back from a Eurobinge, so I’m stuck here and looking to pick fights. I gotta steer clear of the corp world from now on. Sure, it’s all fucking hilarious on The Office – not so funny in real life, though.

  9. katrocket Says:

    PS – the dark Uberlord is bloody cunt. Try rerouting his return flight through Darfour so he can experience the true meaning of “inconvenience”.

  10. The Guv'ner Says:

    Hahaha “tied up in a ribbon…” I love that miss Lady.

    The Guv’ner tries to avoid “LOL” where possible but now and again it cannot be evaded and can be diffused with a large, flamboyant beverage.

  11. The Guv'ner Says:

    Hey miss Kat! I read earlier about your work woes. Bloody fuckers. Screw them all. Corporate work sucks. It’s hours of running in circles being condescending in the name of sucking up. I can’t take it. ARGH. I’d say your other ventures are much more fun!

    Hey, I need to email you regarding some Toronto matters, namely fun things a person can do while in your lovely city because sometime in the next year I plan to get my ass up there for a weekend. I love me some Toronto.

  12. gizmorox Says:

    The Guv’ner’s world sounds pretty fucking awesome. Where do I sign up?

  13. The Guv'ner Says:

    Right here, Giz, baby! Pretty soon we’ll have enough people to charter a flight to Amsterdam for this weekend of debauchery! 🙂 I mean let’s face it, that’s what you all want, right?

  14. mindy Says:

    Can I steal the term “butt-sausage” please?

  15. The Guv'ner Says:

    Mindy: Take it! May it do you some good. 🙂

  16. Suze Says:

    I’m sitting in my underpants eating cereal right now…at the office….in a show of solidarity to you my friend!~

  17. The Guv'ner Says:

    Suze: I’m so touched. Really. I have my hand on my heart and everything. It’s Panties Friday. I think this should be adopted in a widespread manner around the world. Of course the men have to be naked as they don’t wear panties. Well, most of them.

  18. pistols at dawn Says:

    If only we were all so fortunate as to live in your mind.

    By the way, I ate all your cereal and I’m not paying any rent.

  19. Teri Says:


    you have a door? that you can actually close?

    I HATE you!

  20. The Guv'ner Says:

    Pistols: You might think not but mark my words, you’ll pay in other ways, bud. Anyway I peed in that cereal the other day. OH well.

    Teri: Yes! I do! Hate me some more. HA!

  21. heidimo Says:

    amsterdam? i’ll be there, dancing on the cafe tables in my fagpants™.

  22. The Guv'ner Says:

    DUDE!!! What are you doing here? AWESOME! You and your fagpants are welcome anytime. In fact you and I in Amsterdam would be something worth You Tubing 🙂 Especially if the pants were involved.

    Incidentally, I got some kick ass Hanes short boxers at the weekend. All sort of red with melons on. Fantastic! Not quite mariposa pants but close!

  23. heidimo Says:

    you has melonpants™? that is mariposa enough for me, baby, bring it! -:D oh, i am just here to keep an eye on the guv. somebody’s gotta! yeah, youtube those melonpants™ and whatever beverages best accompany melonpants™.

  24. The Guv'ner Says:

    Perchance a melon margarita? I hate melon though. Maybe I will substitute it for pomegranate or something fun!

    Yes they are melons! Or something that looks melonesque. Quite colourful and fabulous with the little buttons on front. I got the matching hipsters. IT was like an underwear drought in my place so I needed a top up.

    I am a touch fried right now so if this makes no sense, just humour me, ‘k?

  25. heidimo Says:

    heh! i’ll try the melon margarita, though pomegranate sounds interesting. i want to see these melonpants™! the buttons do make things better, somehow. personally, i got a bunch of thermal underwears today at sears. they were having a sale, even though our weather is about as cold as it gets here in the city of subdued excitement. brrr! but thermals are not very mariposa, even if they are from the men’s wear dept, and i am the one wearing them. -:p

  26. The Guv'ner Says:

    Yeah! It’s not the PANTS it’s the person IN THEM! 🙂 The Hanes ones I got at Kmart (shhhh!) They were so fab I got my sis some for part of her birthday present. They are quite flamboyant. And comfy. I’m all about comfort in my pants.

  27. Chris Says:

    Ha! “Butt-sausage.” And “fucktards!” That’s funny! I about busted a nut laughing…

  28. Bert Says:

    minions… so they aren’t miniature onions? So I can’t have grilled minions?

    Someday, in the not too distant future, there will be limitless, free power and matter converters and the silly notion/concept of “work” will go the way the unwanted pregnancy, and Guv’nerating will no doubt be life style choice many will make. But I don’t think I have that kind of energy. My loaf style will involve being entertained by you, so it’s a win-win situation, unlike the shituation many of us wake up to each week day morning.

  29. The Guv'ner Says:

    Chris: HEY BE CAREFUL! You’ve had enough of the nut busting to last a lifetime. OUCH! 🙂 Are you uh…symmetrical again or still swollen?

    Bert: I like the way you think. Guv’ernating sounds like the dictatorship I have planned for the future! And minions sound less like onions than they do bunions which are less tasty and more painful. I expect.

  30. WendyB Says:

    I have a restraining order against the world. No infants allowed within 150 feet of me.

  31. The Guv'ner Says:

    I have a similar one however, in the case of one sharing a floor of a hotel with me, I’d survive! 🙂

    Are you unlocked yet? Tell those fuckers to get a move on!

  32. katrocket Says:

    re: visiting Toronto. Well, you should definitely come drink with me, since I’m what makes this city most exciting.

  33. The Guv'ner Says:

    Dude, that goes without saying. Getting sloshed with Kat was number one on my list. I just figured I couldn’t do that for four days straight so there must be some other stuff I need to check out. And I HAVE to find a great place to take a kick ass skyline photo. But really the drinking is paramount! 🙂

  34. minijonb Says:

    good lord, does Dark Überlord ever change his tune? is the man ever satiated?!?

  35. The Guv'ner Says:

    Well he does have his moments but usually he’s just a 50 year old frat boy type who thinks he’s entitled to all sorts of stuff that most people aren’t. Most people seem to like him a lot but I just….there’s just something that’s not right. I know this doesn’t make sense but honestly, he’s totally phony in my opinion.

  36. BeckEye Says:

    Guv, you and I need to get together for a Happy Hour one day…for real! A friend of mine keeps telling me about this place called Flute, where you can get 2-for-1 flutes of champagne.

    NYC is definitely due for another blogger summit.

  37. The Guv'ner Says:

    Dude, this summer we should totally go out and rock the icy beverages (or champagne!) Summer is made for drinking bad things! I hibernate in winter usually though. Damn cold. When the heat hits so does the thirst! :):)

  38. Madame la Prof Says:

    All I can say is OH MY GOD…you are fucking hilarious!!! This is the first of yours I’ve read (sorry it took me a few days to get over here). I’m hooked!!

  39. The Guv'ner Says:

    Why thank you Madame, I’ve been enjoying yours too. I can’t imagine anyone being brave enough to teach. My mom is a retired school teacher and boy does she have some stories! Of course she didn’t teach French…Mais non! 🙂

  40. Red Says:

    I am so in awe of the fact that _you have a door_! That is a pinnacle of Manhattan office life that I never achieved. It was strictly cubicles for Red. I haven’t trekked NYC-ward in a while; if you guys have a happy hour I may just drop in!

  41. The Guv'ner Says:

    Hey Red!! Yes I have a door!!! I also have an office that, when you pass it, you can’t see what I’m doing inside. In fact, you have to come all the way in to see me at all. Awesome. When no one’s around there’s nothing like closing that door and just doing your funky thang.

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