Today’s Complaint…

The Dark Überlord’s Dictaphone broke down recently causing the world to stop spinning briefly. You might have felt the jolt? A week past Tuesday it was. The E.R.s were full of broken bones and other related maladies.

I had our office services people get him a new recorder, which they had by the next day – a lovely, silver Sony micro-recorder. Situation rectified, right?


The Dark Überlord didn’t like it. It was too “flimsy”. It has a hard plastic shell unlike the old relic we were using which was carved out of bedrock and operated by a team of dinosaurs on a treadmill. Damn thing would’ve withstood a hand grenade attack back in the day.

“This thing is too fragile.” He whined about the new Sony, hurting its fragile feelings. “We need to get something more rugged.”

I don’t know what he does with it that would constitute needing something “more rugged” since something more rugged comes with a more rugged price tag that the company will have to pay for. Maybe he plays touch football with it in his office? Or dodgeball? Maybe he chops wood with it. I don’t know or, for that matter, care.

Since our office services people laugh in my face when I put in absurd requests (they got us the “flimsy” but perfectly adequate Sony) we decided to circumvent them by ordering the desired machine online and expensing it back, which is guaranteed to give someone in our billing department a coronary since they like every penny expensed to be a penny well spent. Still there is no point arguing with an Überlord when his mind is made up.

Who knew a micro-cassette recorder (a rugged one mind you!) cost $239? Not me. I was expecting maybe….$30. Tops. Getting the money back should be fun with a capital ‘KILL ME NOW’. Still it’s not my money so really. Who cares?

For the record, the Sony works perfectly well and since he talks into it while sitting at his desk, I’m not seeing why it needs to be made of solid steel to begin with but then I’m not a pampered fuckwit with fancy ideas.

All my fancy ideas involve sharp implements and soft flesh and result in death.


29 Responses to “Today’s Complaint…”

  1. Diane Mandy Says:

    Wow. And I suppose he wants a toilet seat of gold since he also talks into that, right?

  2. The Guv'ner Says:

    Well he does talk out of his ass so that would be fitting!!! 🙂

  3. gizmorox Says:

    I’m glad you survived the momentary cessation of earthly movement ok. Too bad it didn’t jolt him right out of his high rise window.

  4. pistols at dawn Says:

    You’re at least part of “pampered fuckwit,” but it’s mostly because you insist on wearing adult Pampers because you’ve become that lazy.

  5. The Guv'ner Says:

    Giz: That would have been way too entertaining and fun to be part of MY work life!

    Pistola: Well I did astonaut training you know!

  6. minijonb Says:

    more rugged? what… does he store it between his ass cheeks?

  7. The Guv'ner Says:

    Dude, he said RUGGED not NUCLEAR. Shudder! 🙂

  8. Bert Says:

    Here’s a suggestion akin to wanting to be bitten by mosquitoes so that then you have something to do with your hands: Whatever kind of chair Mr. Wonderful has, find some ads for a different, even more expensive executive butt-supporter and tell him you have friends whose bosses swear by it. Then stand back and scratch your itches.

  9. The Guv'ner Says:

    Bert: I should tell him the cool kids were jumping out of the window and stand back with some popcorn, then I might get some peace.


  10. DCup Says:

    I’ve been lurking for a couple of weeks. I found you through Aunt Dahlia. I have to tell you, after having a weekend where I got the living emotional shit kicked out of me, reading of your misery is, without a doubt, the highlight of my day.

    I don’t mean to say I enjoy your misery, for I have worked for a dillhole like your boss, but the way you write about it is so hysterical that I find myself laughing out loud so that people want to know what I’m laughing about.

    For that, I thank you.

  11. The Guv'ner Says:

    Hey DC! That’s so nice and actually cheered me up a bit from the doldrums of MONDAY! I hope your week this week is looking better????

    If not I’ll keep a big cup of hot cuss words handy for your benefit!! 🙂

  12. Suze Says:

    That is why he makes the big bucks, guv, and we don’t. We apparently don’t know the secret, evil plan he has for his “rugged” recorder. If only we were up to second tier management in our firms, we’d be in the know. Damn it, I knew getting my degree from a matchbook would cause me problems.

  13. The Guv'ner Says:

    Suze: Maybe he wants to record himself talking to himself in the mirror. No wait, that would require a rugged stomach not a tape recorder. Silly, silly man.

    We should be THE MANAGEMENT. I would be a management to FEAR, dammit.

  14. Teri Says:

    I was wondering what that jolt was. Thanks for explaining because it really freaked me out. Almost like that tsunami a few years ago that pulled the earth off its axis a bit.

    I can’t believe he still uses a dictaphone but I can understand why considering he likes everyone to hear his sweet, masculine voice. And by everyone, I mean you! Lucky you!

  15. The Guv'ner Says:

    Teri: Anytime you want a sweet, seductive recording of him talking about “agendas” and “talking points” you just let me know, babeh. I’ll hook you up.

  16. Laughing through my chardonnay Says:

    -shakes head- I don’t understand those people. I work in entertainment and I am surrounded by people who make the most ridiculous requests. Mother Bitches!

  17. Suze Says:

    Hey guv, send me an email. I gots to interview you!!

  18. Pixie Says:

    …too flimsy…
    …too fragile…
    …need something more rugged…

    You sure he’s talkin’ about that recorder Guv?

  19. The Guv'ner Says:

    Chard: I think “mother bitches” might be my new favourite saying, thanks!:) And I can only IMAGINE what level of crazy your job entails. How do you resist the urge to squash people flat with your car?

    Suze Leno: Huh? The Guv’ner is really famous now. What? I will email you as I have no idea what you are talking about woman.

    Pixie: Now you mention it…you’re scaring me. 🙂 I’m not sure I want to pursue that thought any further.

  20. doorknob_dan Says:

    You will have your comeuppance for mocking him when his blue, frozen body is discovered on some hiking trail in the alps, and his rugged recorder contains his instructions for dispensing the last of his wealth to his hard working and dedicated employees … and you’re not named.

  21. CDP Says:

    They all have military/survivalist fantasies, don’t they? I worked for a guy once (prep school, ivy league undergrad and law school) who was always talking about “getting people on the ground” and “taking someone out”. Silly men.
    my word verification:

  22. The Guv'ner Says:

    Dan: I want to live in the fantasy land you live in! The only place his great wealth is going is his golf country club and his expensive liquors. And stop tantalizing me with thoughts of his “frozen blue body”.

    CDP: Damn jargon beasts. Although I’d take my boss out – just not in the date sense, more in the hit man sense.

    I love the word verifications. I’ve had some great ones. I’m so infantile as to be amused by them.

  23. doorknob_dan Says:

    Guv, Once you come to my fantasy land, you cannot return. Are you prepared to go down the rabbit hole? (Bring your best lingerie and some sensible shoes, kinda rough terrain here.)

    My word verification: ikhis
    As in ‘I kiss’.
    ‘Ick, his’, meaning ‘my post’.

  24. The Guv'ner Says:

    Haha Ick His. Or iKiss – the new kiss from Apple.

    Wait…lingerie and sensible shoes doesn’t sound like a winning combo to me. LEDERHOSEN and sensible shoes, certainly!

    Dude, I LIVE in fantasy land. I am PRESIDENT of fantasy land.

  25. doorknob_dan Says:

    There can be only ONE Fantasy Land. Thumb wrestle for it?

    You’d take the sensible shoes OFF when you got to your destination in Fantasy Land. Then you could put on those red high heels if you brought ’em. Pack smart, anyways. I don’t want to hear you complaining about your feet if we’ve gotta walk somewhere to pick up more ketchup.

  26. The Guv'ner Says:

    Yeah, I rarely go anywhere without my red high heels – I don’t wear them or anything but those six inch stiletto heels are useful for stabbing hobos. Or ketchup packets.

  27. doorknob_dan Says:

    Better yet, leave the high heels at home – I haven’t shaved for like a week.

  28. The Guv'ner Says:

    I live in NYC. I can spot a hobo from a disgruntled non-shaver IN MY DAMN SLEEP.

  29. doorknob_dan Says:

    I lied. I’m homeless.

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: