Subway Tales

My day started with a refined looking older gentleman sporting an expensive coat, old school hat and some impressively gigantic jowls, whining on the train because some lady had the nerve to squeeze into the space next to him.

“There isn’t enough room!” he whined. “You should stand until you can sit down properly.” She looked at him like he’d said, “My God, the last time I saw a face like that was on a stick at a Chinese market!” and refused to budge.

This is the New York subway, Quentin Crisp, be grateful she didn’t stab you in the kishkas and steal your rather fey chapeau.

Myself? I had the pleasure to be seated next to some guy who smelled like a fruity mixture of Old Pee and Old Spice – quite the sexy combination. He was wearing some really tinny, nasty headphones and blasting some god-awful hippy music that made me want to grab the overhead bar, swing from it like a gorilla and kick the dude square in the nuts. Would it hurt you to take a bath, fella? Would the world end, Stinkmeister?

To make matters worse one of my bras had recently gone through the drier accidentally, which distorted the hook in the back, so mid way through my commute I stretched slightly and it unhinged and pinged open in the back, freeing the hounds as it were. Thank God for big winter coats. I mean if you’ve got cute little A Cup boobies it wouldn’t be an issue but when you’re a C/D cup like me, all manner of nastily embarrassing bounce-age can occur if you let it. Think two fighting puppies in a sack! I’m sorry, did I gross everyone out with that visual? Good!

No Dark Überlord today, I’m happy to say, as he had a pressing engagement elsewhere. Sadly not “pressing” as in “pinned under a train” but it is only noon and one can live in hope. Nonetheless a welcome sanity break for me.

And really, a sane Guv’ner is a happy Guv’ner.

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29 Responses to “Subway Tales”

  1. doorknob_dan Says:

    I dunno ’bout everyone else, but “grossed out” is definitely not the emotion that struck me while I imagined your apparently large breasts becoming liberated from their holsters.

  2. The Guv'ner Says:

    No that emotion is called “terrified” closely followed by “when IS my next basketball practice?”

    Well…maybe baseball. Ah hell. Basketball sounds classy.

  3. pistols at dawn Says:

    Let’s talk more about your boobs. While you do jumping jacks.

    I am currently seeing someone who admits that sometimes, she gets distracted by her own boobs when she looks down. Finally, a woman I have something in common.

  4. The Guv'ner Says:

    You know, I knew mentioning boobs was a bad idea.

    And well they can be distracting, especially when they’re bouncing around. It’s just that for you men you have this image in your heads that think it’s like a porno show whereas the reality is, it’s some boobs, not made of silicon that like to bounce in several directions at once. It’s not the pretty picture you are imagining. Oh no.

    I lost you at “boobs” again didn’t I? That poor girl. :):)

  5. doorknob_dan Says:

    *Real* booms are hotter. Haha, I typed ‘booms’ but what I meant are booms! I can’t believe it, I just made two typos in a row. ‘Boobs’! There’s something Freudian at play.

    Seems the thought of breasties really does make the brain go dead. But I think unlike some other gentlemen, I prefer the boobs they’re attached to. Haha,I just typed ‘boobs’, but I meant to type ‘women’!

    Well, I’m going to go and do some boobs now. Maybe I meant ‘work’ and maybe I didn’t hmmm?

  6. The Guv'ner Says:

    Dude, what you need is to go lie down in a dark room with a soothing tape of boobs singing. And by “boobs” what I mean is “whales”.

    Men are very strange. Where are all the ladies today and why won’t they come save me?

  7. BeckEye Says:

    Oh! The guy next to me today on the rolling sardine can was blaring MICHAEL BOLTON on his iPod. How do I not have an iPod and a guy with such obviously poor taste in music does??

  8. Laughing through my chardonnay Says:

    “grab the overhead bar, swing from it like a gorilla and kick the dude square in the nuts.”

    Haha! The visual in my head is priceless! On the bright side, the big guy isn’t there so you at least get a little more peace and quiet than normal.

  9. Suze Says:

    Apparently my bra today was in a cranky mood as the freakin’ straps kept falling down.

  10. The Guv'ner Says:

    Becks: This is one of life’s unfair little mysteries. In my case, I did have my iPod with me but the damn thing ran out of juice after ONE SONG and so I had to listen to HIS. Goddamn.

    Chard: I have these images a lot when it comes to such matters. I think “I wonder what would happen if I just….” then I invariably get the giggles and well…you should try explaining THAT to the people around you when you start laughing for no apparent reason in a crowded train. Of course, it might help get a seat if you’re standing because the car would just suddenly clear a six foot radius around you.

  11. Diane Mandy Says:

    Pee and Old Spice–sweet. My Aunt Myrtle smelled like Jean Nate and moth balls-until I read your post I thought that was the worst combination.

  12. The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: Says:

    Bra hook popping is dire. My big giant bra is a marvel of engineering and the thought of it bursting open in public is the psychological equivilent of a bridge collapse. A natural disaster of my worst nightmares.
    Amen for big winter coats and a desk drawer full of safety pins.

    PS – My husband is no longer allowed to do my laundry because of one incident involving expensive bras and a dryer and another involving putting bleach and our “good” blue towels. Wanker.

  13. The Guv'ner Says:

    Suze: Normally mine is a solid 2 hook job but today was a flimsy one hook imitation. I guess that one hook being comprimised was a big no-no. No one could tell it was undone but whoa you know what it’s like when you can. You feel just….a little freer than you should…Honestly I’d go braless every day if it wasn’t for bounce-age and scarring the retinas of people I pass.

  14. doorknob_dan Says:

    Lady Who Doesn’t Lunch,

    I’ve always wondered what the difference between ‘good’ and ‘not good'(?) towels are?

    I’ve found the ‘good’ towels to be abrasive and hard. They’re really not-so-good, if you ask me. I know you didn’t ask me, but God, if someone could just explain this to me, I think my life would be enriched somehow.

  15. The Guv'ner Says:

    Lady: Damn, your gigantic bra sounds like an awesome hat for twins!!! 🙂 Thanks for the image of the bridge collapse though! And who hasn’t had a dufus put your delicates in with a color? Grrrr. I once had the perfect faded Levi’s till SOMEONE washed them with a red t-shirt. Let me just say, pink levi’s are NOT COOL.

    Diane: Honestly it was like that smell when someone has left a stench in the bathroom then tried to cover it up with floral air freshner. Gag! pee and FLORAL STENCH.

  16. The Guv'ner Says:

    If I can interrupt for a moment here (Ha like you can stop me!) my criteria for “good” towels is as follows:

    HUGE BATH SIZED
    FLUFFY AND SOFT
    CLEAN

    That is all. No one wants to rub off on a course towel and no I’m not even going to bother correcting that alarming sentence.

  17. joshy Says:

    YOU…….DON’T……..PUT……..A…..BRA….IN…..A. DRYER!!!!!

  18. The Guv'ner Says:

    Hahahaha dude. it wasn’t even IN the drier just the washing machine! Must’ve gotten tangled up in something. Anyway I’ve done some maintenance now… I seem to be contained again, thanks.

  19. So@24 Says:

    There’s no folk like subway, folk am I right? Whenever I ride the subway, I’ll just stare at people and wonder what they do after they get off the train. What are their lives like? Seriously??

    Anyone else need a cold shower after Guv described her releasing her sweater cows?

  20. Baroness von Bloggenschtern Says:

    I constantly wonder what puppetmasters are out there, gleefully watching the science experiment that puts cranky/smelly/old-fartish/out-and-out certifiable people together in a rapidly accelerating, cramped airless metal box. They are the same senseless morons who invented bra hooks. Happy morning to you, Guv’nah – tanks god the subway police didn’t narc you for smuggling baby dogs onto public transit!

  21. Jo Says:

    two puppies fighting in a sack…I’m still laughing! That happened to me with this stretchy bra that closed in the front with this clicky plastic thing; when it came undone, my hoots popped out & the bra cups went shooting towards my armpits rubberband-style. And still I’d rather deal with this than testicles 😀

  22. The Guv'ner Says:

    Jo: Hahaha, well since you put it that way…:)

    The only other time it’s happened to me was also with a front fastener during a boisterous gym class. One vicious arm movement too much and voila…boobie free for all. We wore white tshirts for P.E. so that was a case of shriek and run for the changing rooms! :):)

  23. trigimper Says:

    Before you think of swinging free being liberating, two words – Britney Spears.

    I am so thankful I no longer have to do the metro thing anymore, riding into D was always a trip as my stop was Dupont Circle. Those familiar with the District will know what that area is famous for, suffice to say I am not that way inclined, though the guy with cropped hair, ball gown, heels and Priscilla Queen of the Desert make-up at 6am provided much mirth and merriment.

  24. The Guv'ner Says:

    Believe me Mr. Trigimper, the thought of Britney without undergarments will haunt my memory till I die. There isn’t enough bleach in the world to burn that image out of my retinas. 🙂

    I live in the West Village in NYC so I’m expert with the drag “ladies”. They spend more time on make up in a night than I have in a lifetime!!!!

  25. trigimper Says:

    I dunno, Britney’s bad. But the thought of Michael Bolton and being subjected to it in a closed environment ?.

    I’m sorry, that’s still sending shivers down my spine. “Come the revolution he’s first against the wall” – Citizen Smith

    And right behind him shall be Celine Dion, Yanni and Kenny G..

  26. The Guv'ner Says:

    Well Michael Bolton is like Chernobyl – not good for your health to be around, for 300 years. Horrible, horrible man.

    I was just talking about CITIZEN SMITH the other day to someone. I remember that being on although nothing much about it apart from Robert Lindsay and his beret. And TOOTING.

  27. trigimper Says:

    Power to the people !

    You can look it up over on wikipedia..

  28. The Guv'ner Says:

    And YAY for catchphrases!!! 🙂

    Robert L. must’ve been pretty young in those days. You can buy those on DVD now, can you believe it?

  29. trigimper Says:

    I have a very good Borders near my house, with two entire rows of British TV, I can sit browsing through there for ages looking at shows that had completely left my consciousness.

    Did you see him playing Blair in that special a little while ago ? Wonderful stuff.

    Though I’m currently on a kick of working my way through MI-5

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