Another Day In Paradise

I groaned like an oak tree in a tornado at having to get up this morning. This is normal, however, and part of my life-long protest at mornings in general and the fact I have to drag myself out of bed to do things during them, when every sane person knows mornings are for sleeping, drinking coffee, nursing your hangover, peeing and more sleeping.

I arrived at work, cold, frowning and not inclined to deal with assorted dickwaddery from anyone, to find a very pleasing lack of Dark Überlord. I wasn’t sure what to do at first – be ecstatic and do a happy dance or commence being very suspicious of why there was no Dark Überlord. I glanced tentatively around each corner, to make sure the Apocalypse wasn’t crouching there waiting to trip me up, but no.

I decided that looking a gift horse in the face is beyond stupid and so I began the dancing and followed it with coffee imbibing and joyous knuckle cracking. My own knuckles I mean – I don’t want you thinking I’m going around smashing other people’s joints with a ball peen hammer or anything. Not that the thought doesn’t occur to me fairly regularly…

When he does show up he’s not going to be happy to learn I haven’t been able to upgrade his flight to Europe for this evening from business class to first because the airline was completely over sold on first class. The fact that no seats exist and there is also a waiting list ahead of him will not be an acceptable excuse to the Dark Überlord, who thinks I can just conjure these things up because he wishes it so. If I had that talent I’d be in Fiji right now, lying in the sun, sucking down exotic beverages while a nubile, tanned lovely boy fanned me with a huge palm frond and fed me chocolates. I’m sorry, I just slipped back into fantasy land yet again.

Also, if I’d only known he wasn’t coming in all morning I could have had a very satisfying forty winks on his couch for an hour or two. Damn inconsiderate man.

On a nice note though, I am very flattered to realize my ambition of becoming an honest to God, goddamn, fabulous Internet quasi-celebrity (like Britney only with panties), thanks to my being subjected to an interview by the mean and nasty SUZE, so go on over there and tell her what a mean beeyotch she really is. And hot damn, that pepper spray stings!

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45 Responses to “Another Day In Paradise”

  1. doorknob_dan Says:

    Congrats on your quasi-celebrityhood!

    PS: The best way to get rid of pepper spray rashes is by peeing on them. Or maybe I’m getting it confused with jellyfish stings. Not sure, but it couldn’t hurt…and if it didn’t work, you’d have something more to write about tomorrow!

  2. The Guv'ner Says:

    Thank you for that. That visual is even giving ME a headache. Still it would be better than anyone ELSE peeing on it I guess. Wait a sec. That would involve peeing in my eyes. I’m not a contortionist. Or a pervert. Much.

  3. doorknob_dan Says:

    With nothing but THAT idea and a camera, you’d be a hit on scores of German websites too! Diversify!

  4. Diane Mandy Says:

    Headed over there right now…

  5. The Guv'ner Says:

    Dan: Oh yeah. There goes my lunch!:):)

    Diane: Be sure to point out to her that a) she’s a mean lady and b) I am fabulous and sweet. Thank you. 🙂

  6. Suze Says:

    I’m looking at TMZ and see they have a picture of you WITHOUT your underwear. A celebrity for one whole day and look what you’ve done.

    By the way, please feel free to reply to the comments under your interview. This day is all about you!

  7. The Guv'ner Says:

    Suze: Wow you are really inflating my giant head MORE! 🙂 Yes TMZ follow me everywhere, darling. I can’t take a pee without them pointing a camera at my hoo ha. I’m shaving my head at 5pm and having a mental breakdown at 6 (if my paparazzi handler allows it!)

    🙂

  8. mindy Says:

    I love the word “nubile”. People don’t use it often enough. I’m going to start.

  9. MsPuddin Says:

    Well good morning sunshine!!!

    I hate when people crack their knuckles, but then I sit around and crack my neck…

  10. The Guv'ner Says:

    Mindy: It just reeks of juicy ripe young flesh. Ok that sounded more pervy than I meant too. Or did it?

    Miss P. I try not to do it in company but it’s so damn cold in my office my fingers feel all stiff if I don’t stretch the hell out of them and crack my knuckles. I hate hearing other people do it though. 🙂 It’s charming when I do it, naturally.

  11. trigimper Says:

    Nubile is a wonderful word, callipygian even more so.

    And you can’t have your tmz breakdown filmed today the Britard beat you to it.

    Drop me a line (added email to profile), writing something on the UK growing up and the lack of chain restaurants/fast food.

    Ta

  12. WendyB Says:

    I hate knuckle-cracking,so I’m afraid we are going to have to break up.But I will always remember you with affection.

  13. The Guv'ner Says:

    Wendy: I only do it infrequently and I hate it too! 🙂 You know, when other people do it. When my knuckles crack it sounds like a beautiful symphony!

    Trigimper: I just saw that about Britney. I actually sort of feel bad for her now. It’s like a freak show all around her. She needs to be taken to some remote Alaskan clinic and treated far away from the world.

    I will give the chain restaurants thing some thought. There really weren’t any in my part of the UK till the late ’80s, it was all local stuff. Well except Wimpy. They were every damn where. 🙂

  14. trigimper Says:

    Exactly, it was my business partner asked me what fast food we had, drive thrus etc (nix on the latter), the only other two I could come up with were Happy Eater and Little Chef. So it got me thinking of a blog on the cultural differences vis a vis food and groceries…

    Britney, I’m not sure I feel that much sympathy, she’s shown no interest in straightening out, losing her kids, surrounding herself by sycophants and the rampant narcissism. Not sure even now she is in a position or ready to capitalize on this opportunity. Which is exactly what this is (disclaimer, I volunteer as a counsellor for a BP and Depression support group)

  15. The Guv'ner Says:

    Tri: I think she’s been lonely and disenfranchised for so long due to fame at an early age that she’s just lost all sense of reality. She marries some dufus when the whole world knows it’s a mistake, she spawns two kids, gets divorced, loses her mind, loses her panties, loses her kids, gets taken advantage of by sycophants and users, disowns her family, gets more and more removed from reality and is constantly fed lies by the people around her – I just think she needs to be kidnapped by someone outside of her family or “friends” and taken away from it all for a while. No one seems to genuinely care about her which is pretty sad. It’s paparazzi heaven yet they are making the situation a million times worse. I think she’d lost the plot before she even married the skuzzbucket known as KFed.

    Also, if I can just add, someone needs to delouse her. She’s nasty.

  16. trigimper Says:

    The scary part is that these days KFed seems the straightest and most responsible out of the lot of them. regardless of who he was in the past (and given her loopy behavior over the last 18 months it makes you wonder who was really the bad influence in the marriage, he’s stepped up the plate, been a responsible parent, has been reasonable and supportive in press interviews…

    Who woulda thunk.

  17. pistols at dawn Says:

    You’re so famous. I am a bit flattered that dating me made it into the questionnaire, and it lets me know that all is right with the world that in 2 interviews now, I am 0 for 2. Sometimes, the internet is a fair amount like real life.

  18. The Guv'ner Says:

    I think it boils down to, he has the better publicist and lawyer advising him. I’ll bet my ass a nanny looks after the kids most of the time while he sits back and collects child support. He merely sees a situation that’s to his benefit and does what he can to secure it. I still think he’s sort of a douche.

  19. The Guv'ner Says:

    Well Mr. Pistols, I wouldn’t say 0 for 2 – I merely acknowledged in my answer that it probably wouldn’t be in the world’s best interests to mythically date you because things would explode and get dangerous really fast. 🙂

    However, it would also be hella fun (yes, HELLA fun) watching the Pistols machine in action as your eyes followed all the boobs in the room like a homing device!

    Let’s face it, everyone’s going to answer the “Would you date Pistols” question the same way because they all read your blog, know you’re a playah and they’re effing TERRIFIED. 🙂

  20. trigimper Says:

    I kinda agree, however I don’t think he has a better publicist or lawyer (though then again she doesn’t have a management company anymore, so I guess no publicist except the counter guy at whichever gas station or 7-11 she happens to be in). The difference is he listens to his lawyer.

    However, I do think she is in exactly the place she needs to be right now, and that she either voluntarily stays longer, or they commit for a further 14 days. I don’t see any good coming from 72 hours and release back to the same environment. She’s a danger to not only herself, but with her driving and the attention to everyone around her at any moment in time

  21. The Guv'ner Says:

    Tri: I agree, it can only help to remove her from the situation for a length of time to detoxify her from all the poison around her. I feel bad for her though. She has no idea what the hell is going on in her life. She doesn’t even seem to know she’s a train wreck. I also agree that KFed is smart enough to listen to advice and take advantage of the crazy around him to come out on top.

  22. doorknob_dan Says:

    Tri and Guv:

    This morning, due to the fact I haven’t completed my first gallon of coffee yet and am not thinking quite straight, I picked up your continuing conversation from yesterday at the point where you were making references to ‘her’ and her mental/functional issues and forgot that you were continuing a conversation about Britney Spears.

    For some reason, I thought you were referring to Suze as a nutbag instead, and in the context and relatively serious tone that you used, I had though she had gone completely off the deep end and I had missed something important there.

    Go back a couple of posts you guys made and imagine Suze in place of Britney. It’s really kind of fun!

  23. The Guv'ner Says:

    Dude, I can tell you from experience that Suze taught Britney everything she knows.

    Although seriously, someone needs to delouse that Suze, she’s nasty! 🙂

  24. CDP Says:

    Fabulous interview!

    Actually, I’ve begun to feel sorry for the DU, since you seem to live for every chance to subject him to the most vile and inhuman conditions. A room that overlooks a SIDE STREET, now followed by BUSINESS CLASS? Your cruelty knows no bounds.

    (and of course, you did need to clarify on the knuckle-cracking, since I was picturing you running amok with a hammer or other instrument.)

  25. trigimper Says:

    OK..so I had to go and read Suze’s blog in light of this context, along with the interview.

    If she’s worse than Britt-nee oh dear gosh that is a picture that will require mental floss.

    Oh and milk works for pepper spray, it must be true, I saw it on MI-5 (Spooks for Brit readers)

  26. The Guv'ner Says:

    CDP: I know, it’s not a huge stretch to envision me stomping around with murderous intent! And yeah the DU certainly knows deprivation. He must liken flying coach to being put in the freight container. Idiot! 🙂

    Tri: Milk huh…It’s ok. I have purchased a taser on Ebay to deal with Suze. It will keep her crazy at bay for long enough to reach the door. The doggie door obviously.

    HI SUZE!

  27. trigimper Says:

    But did you et one of those mp3 player tazers ?

    I kid you not google “mp3 tazer”

    Its only a matter of time before Kate Spade comes out with a handbag with built in tazer.

  28. doorknob_dan Says:

    Mp3 Tazer?

    When will they come out with an mp3 playing toilet seat? Man, I really think these companies need to be more innovative. I’d love to hear, “Keep on rockin in the free world” when I go potty.

  29. trigimper Says:

    Dan – ask and ye shall receive.

    http://www.amazon.com/iCarta-iPod-Stereo-Tissue-Holder/dp/B000HWX1J8

    They’ve had ermmm buzzy things for ladies that hook to ipods for a while too.

  30. The Guv'ner Says:

    Good lord, is there nothing that doesn’t tote your music these days? A good song for an MP3 toilet seat would be “BORN TO RUN” get it? 🙂 HEE.

    Mp3 tazer though. WHY?????? Is it so that after you’ve been tasered and are spasming around on the ground you can do it in time to Duran Duran singing “Rio”?

  31. trigimper Says:

    I posted that on my blog quite a while ago, with suggestions for good tunes to zap someone to :-

    Hit me with your best shot – Pat Benatar
    Bodies – Drowning Pool (the the mash up of that with the preacher Benny Hinh is genius)
    Shock the monkey – Peter Gabriel…

  32. The Guv'ner Says:

    HAHAHA Shock The Monkey! :):):)

  33. BeckEye Says:

    I think I might crack someone’s knuckles today. The next moron who refuses to put his/her dish in the dishwasher. The dishwasher that is CLOSER to the kitchen door than the sink, where all the dishes get thrown.

  34. The Guv'ner Says:

    Beckeye: That just gave me nasty flashbacks of my old job… People in offices are LAZY ASSES. It’s like the people who don’t flush the toilet or put their trash away. THEY MUST ALL DIE.

  35. doorknob_dan Says:

    What is this ‘toilet flushing’ of which you speak?

  36. trigimper Says:

    I work from home. Toilet flushing and trash removal is optional 😉

  37. doorknob_dan Says:

    You work from home also?

    Are you naked while you work too?

    If I ever have to work from someone else again, I’m going to put this on my resume:
    “Resisted masturbating while working unclothed and in the privacy of my own office for mostly 5 years.”

    Hey, if that isn’t an accomplishment, I don’t know WHAT is.

  38. The Guv'ner Says:

    I would get up to all sorts of no good if I worked from home. Damn, I’d like that. That would be a best case scenario for sure.

    Worst case scenario? Working from Dan’s home. I have a feeling that would take scary to a whole new level.

  39. trigimper Says:

    It does rather sound that way, a true horror of horrors.

    I’ve never quite managed the working naked part, often during the summer in just running shorts from running at lunch.

    Showers become optional unless going anywhere or meeting anyone, and I view getting dressed up as putting jeans on.

    On the other I shall draw a discrete veil

  40. doorknob_dan Says:

    My retirement plan doesn’t involve saving money. It involves owning my own nudist call centre on St. Barts or some other suitable island nation. Maybe India too? And no one would ever know.

    This is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. I have big things in the works, friends. BIG things.

  41. So@24 Says:

    Nubile tanned lovely boy eh?

    My ears are burning.

  42. Leonesse Says:

    What the hell have I missed!?

  43. The Guv'ner Says:

    So@24: Naturally you were exactly what I had in mind, young man! Get waving that frond. And that chocolate better NOT be Hershey’s or I’ll get my bullwhip out (I borrowed it from Wendy B.)

    Leo: Jeeze Louise woman – Glad you still EXIST. Can’t wait for the lowdown on what is going on – I asked Pistols who said “Leonesse is on a secret spy mission in Russia.” I guess that teaches me for asking. 🙂

  44. pistols at dawn Says:

    Sometimes I think that having a blog was the dumbest dating move I’ve ever made. I can’t count the number of times over the past year a girl’s said something dumb, then said, “Don’t put that down on your blog!”

    Then again, I guess I got the date, didn’t I? Hey, allllllright.

  45. The Guv'ner Says:

    Dude, that translates as “MAKE ME A STAR ON YOUR BLOG, PISTOLS AND I’ll TOTALLY PUT OUT!”

    Or…not. 🙂

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