The Guv’ner Kick Starts Her Social Life

A nice thing about the Uberlord being overseas is, I can come in late and duck out early if I feel like doing something exciting in the early evening like seeing a movie, as I did tonight.

OK, in the grand scheme of things, seeing a movie probably doesn’t rank up there with say…stealing a car and driving it into the Hudson while licking Absynthe off a man’s naked torso, but that’s my life. The movie I mean…not the naked torso Absynthe licking thing. I’m a respectable human being you know. On Sundays. In April. After the 28th.

So I met up with my friend Christina and we went to see “Juno” because I’m sick of the world telling me how “awesome” it is when I haven’t seen it to counteract this viewpoint. Naturally, I can be a touch cynical – no honestly! – and I figured an indie movie hitting the box office hard probably means it’s fairly average for someone who is used to indie movies, so I was pleasantly surprised that it was excellent and very cute but not in a way that made you want to swallow Draino then put a sword through your spleen or anything. And the great dialogue prevented it from being too saccharine. I surmise that this is because it was filmed in Canada and starred two Canadians, because Canadians are naturally allergic to schmaltz. It’s something they put in the drinking water up there. Labatt’s I think it’s called. Anyway, if it had been too sweet the main characters would have puked all over each other in disgust and that movie would suck. Then I’d have puked on Christina and she’d have puked on the row in front etc. and it would have been like that scene in “Stand By Me” when Lardass eats all the pies.

Juno’s boyfriend was just the sweetest thing ever. It was the geeky dude from “Superbad” who looks awkward in his own skin. I like me a skinny nerd boy now and then you know. They’re so corruptible. Allegedly… If he wasn’t barely legal I’d load him into my trunk and keep him in a box under my bed for a rainy day.

Ahem.

I especially enjoyed the trailer for that piece of crap Kate Hudson/Matthew McConna-hooey romcom that’s about to spread its nasty, non-funny hilarity all over us. It took all the strength and will power I had not to stand up and yell, “YOU have no tits Kate Hudson, and YOU are GAYER THAN LIBERACE McConna-hooey so quit pretending!” I just ground my teeth and snarled instead. Who goes to see these things? Are they mental?

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25 Responses to “The Guv’ner Kick Starts Her Social Life”

  1. pistols at dawn Says:

    Thing I hate about Juno: f-ing “Piazza, New York Catcher” has been stuck in my head ever since. Goddamn, that is a catchy song.

    As for the Matthew/Kate movie, I heard a comedian referencing that trailer and saying, “Think about that and the new Martin Lawrence movie. Whenever someone gets hit in the head within the first ten seconds of the trailer, you know the movie’s going to suck.” And about eight seconds into the 30 second spot, she hits him in the head with an oar. Well done, comedian.

  2. Dee Says:

    Juno has definitely restored my faith in movies after last year’s shockers: anything ending in a 3 is permanently and forever off my radar…

    And so with you on the Hudson McConnahooey piece-a-crap.

  3. Diane Mandy Says:

    Grrrr. I’d be happy to be able to go to the theater and watch a movie in English for a change. Of course even when she’s speaking German, Hudson has no tits.

  4. MADAME LA PROF Says:

    I was up in the air about seeing this one, but now I’m convinced. How much does a movie cost you in NYC these days?

  5. The Guv'ner Says:

    POD: Damn I hate those movies (like the Matthew/Kate nasty) Even during the trailer I was guffawing and I wasn’t laughing WITH it. ICK.

    Also I hate Belle & Sebastian with a passion so if they left THEM out that movie would’ve been perfect. They’re from my home town too. People are always going “OOOOH do you like B&S?” NO. NO I DON’T. GO TO HELL AND DIE.

    Dee: Thank God! I can’t believe someone in a studio looked at that Hudson/McConnablah thing and thought “THIS WILL BE A HUGE SUCCESS!” NO. No it will not. IT sucks. I want to kill people when I see the trailer! πŸ™‚ Juno was great though. I laughed and laughed.

    Diane: Damn, I forgot about you being in Germany and all. Don’t they just subtitle movies there? I mean aren’t they in English? Or do they do that horrible dubbing thing? I will not watch a dubbed movie. NO!

    She does have no tits. Not that there’s anything wrong with that but i hate her so “DIE FLAT CHESTED BITCH!” πŸ™‚

  6. doorknob_dan Says:

    Kate Hudson, from *this* guys perspective, is just about as ugly as her momma.

    And her moom is SO ugly, that … I dunno, she should have worn a bag over her her whole life or something.

    It’s not even about the breasts.

  7. The Guv'ner Says:

    Dan: I don’t think she’s howling ugly or anything, but she ain’t bonny (as we say in the old country) Her mom looks like a dopey rabbit with a chipmunk face.

    I just think for someone like Kate Hudson who was nominated for an Oscar for God’s sake, she could maybe choose movies that didn’t suck the life out of the planet. I mean she must be the dimmest bulb in the store if she thinks any of those stupid romcom disasters are going to help her career.

  8. doorknob_dan Says:

    Guv,

    You’re right. Romantic comedies are usually the death knell for any actor, especially when they do a few of them in a row. ESPECIALLY especially when they star with the same people that they were in another romantic comedy with- strangely enough didn’t these two empty headed bimbos star in a romcom together a few years ago? “How to Get a Guy to Dump Your Ass in 300 Days” or something? (The REAL answer to that question, as we all know, is “Keep doing whatever it is that you’re doing.”)

    In fact, there really is no such thing as a ‘romantic comedy’.

    ‘Romance’ -from a guys perspective- consists of a 20 second Stacy Keach/Mike Hammer type innuendo rant hurled at the closest girl who is drinking and looks like she’d sleep with you (or someone lesser quality than you). If successful, it’s ‘romance’. If not, it’s “On to the next broad.”

    And ‘comedy’, well, there is nothing funny about dating.

    Sorry for the long comment here, but I’m passionate about hating things that are supposed to make me feel good (like romantic comedies).

  9. The Guv'ner Says:

    I would rather have a red hot poker rammed up my pee hole than watch most romantic comedies (I do make exceptions, but they are rare). I’d have to be compensated big time to watch that bag of shite advertised last night. I’m not sure I could control my violent urges watching the extremely unfunny Matt/Kate combo. It’s painful even thinking about it.

    And you are correct, romance is for saps who can’t handle real life! :):)

  10. CDP Says:

    I STILL haven’t seen Juno; I’m supposed to go next week with a friend, since my husband’s not interested in seeing it.

    No movie studio has enough money to pay me to see any alleged “comedy” starring either McC or Hudson, but the two of them together? Vile.

  11. The Guv'ner Says:

    It looks like we are all part of the new ANTI-FAN CLUB for Hudson and McConnaughey. Rock on!!! If you get that trailer before your movie be sure to HISS LOUDLY, CDP:)

  12. BeckEye Says:

    Apparently that “How To Lose a Guy in the Mall” or whatever movie that Kate and Matt did wasn’t sucky enough to reach their contractual obligation of “immense suckitude.”

    I would still totally bang McConaughey though. Gay or not.

  13. doorknob_dan Says:

    Beckeye,

    That guy with the big chin that dated both JLo and Matt Damon and starred in Caribou Games or whatever, damn, I forget his name now, but anyways….he has the ‘immense suckitude’ market all sewn up now, doesn’t he?

  14. The Guv'ner Says:

    Beck: HE IS ALL YOURS, BABEH! That movie did suck (I saw the first half of it on TV a while back while desperate) and spent most of that time wanting to hunt Kate Hudson down and kill her with my bare hands. I think this new movie would just push me over the edge.

    Dan: Poor Ben Affleck! Sure he did a lot of REALLY sucky movies, but allegedly he’s quite smart and a decent director. If he just stays away from the front of the camera all will be well. Although you can’t fault the TEAM AMERICA song “Pearl Harbor Sucks” with its fine lyric:

    “I need you like Ben Affleck needs acting school
    He was terrible in that film
    I need you like Cuba Gooding needed a bigger part
    He’s way better than Ben Affleck”

  15. Suze Says:

    I liked Juno too. Not the best movie I ever say, but certainly not in the same category as “Fools Gold”. You really are my BFF.

  16. Suze Says:

    I meant to say “saw” not say. Can we still be BFF?

  17. The Guv'ner Says:

    Suze: OF COURSE! πŸ™‚ And you have joined the anti-fan club too! That movie looks like something they’d show at Guantanemo to make people talk. “MAKE IT STOP, I TELL YOU EVERYTHING!”

    I expected to like Juno less due to the hype but actually liked it way more than I thought I would.

  18. The Guv'ner Says:

    Madame: I totally thought I’d answered you earlier but I just plain suck. A movie is $11.25 here in NYC. You practically need a mortgage to view it! Go see Juno though, it’s just a nice movie.

  19. mindy Says:

    “I like me a skinny nerd boy now and then you know.”

    Meeee toooo. NOMNOMNOM.

  20. Baroness von Bloggenschtern Says:

    Dear Madame/Madam: Please let it be known that we Canadians can schmaltz it up with the rest of you, you – you NORTH AMERICANS!! (Even without the Labatts). We are also the country that invented seal flipper pie, so what can you do?

    As for the “Fools Gold” rant – whenever I see a trailer like that I think to myself, “By God, I could make a movie. Look at what they’re willing to spend money on.”

  21. Grant Miller Says:

    Hey! Watch how you treat McConna-hooey!

  22. The Guv'ner Says:

    Mindy: Well said! The nerd boys are a well of hidden talents I feel. Maybe you need an online dating service for nerds/geeks! That would be much more fun than those damn match.com type places.

    Baroness: You know that Canadian Schmaltz thing was a COMPLIMENT! πŸ™‚ As I’m not North American myself in any way, shape or form I have no idea what delights America has exported to you apart from draft dodgers and the like, but I’m pretty sure it was magnificent. Or at least average. Or dangerous. Ha!

    As for the movie making – HAHA! You are correct. If someone can authorize the spending of millions of dollars making FOOLS GOLD, by God they can divert some of that affluence my way and I’ll make them a movie for two hundred bucks that will include less suckage than that lemon.

    Mr. Miller: I figured it out. You’re really MATTHEW MCCONNA-HOOEY. I knew that chiseled physique looked familiar…well your secret’s out bud.

    P.S. I saw McConna-hooey in the flesh outside my apartment one summer day. I swear to God he was on his own, just standing in the street in a wife beater, grinning at NOTHING. (No bongos in sight though, phew!)

  23. Teri Says:

    I heard he has the HATE for deodorant. nasty. he’s cute but he seems like a loon.

  24. Ms. Laaw-yuhr Says:

    Juno = yes

    Hudson/McConahey romcom = no

    That is all ye know and all ye need to know.

  25. The Guv'ner Says:

    Yup, that’s pretty much what I spent a whole entry saying πŸ™‚ Damn, I could have made that so much shorter if I’d taken your route!

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