Everything Tuesday

Today, Tuesday, is also known as “The Day of Bloody Mayhem” in NYC. This is because we have problems handling one “event” at a time – OK…I do – but any more than that, you can fuggedaboutit.

Firstly we had this huge ticker-tape parade taking place downtown for the award-winning, killjoy, sporting upsetters, those enormous coffee bean throwers, the NY Giants, making me thankful I work up here in midtown therefore got to escape the crazy that no doubt ensued. I know nothing about football except those boys are way too fond of the shoulder pad and tight pants. It’s all grunting and sweating, touching each other’s asses and rubbing one another’s helmets.

Whoa, I just got the sudden urge to sing YMCA…

Today’s also not the most pleasant weather so that ensures lots of wet, paper pulp littering the streets, which better be cleared by the time I get home tonight, slackers!

Then of course it’s Super Tuesday so naturally much voting has commenced in the five boroughs. I pretend to be uninterested because, frankly, they don’t let me vote as I’m a filthy, stinking, commie, Godless foreigner so I reserve my right to sit back and watch the proceedings while mocking all the candidates in any way I see fit.

This being NYC and not renowned for its Republican stance, my subway entrance this morning was swamped with Hillary and Obama supporters, thrusting leaflets and buttons and their throbbing, sweaty groins in my direction – I made one of those things up (they had no buttons). They tried to follow me down the steps like I’m a purty celebrity. “Vote for Hillary!” one whispered furtively, nodding at me sincerely and waiting for a response.

“I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts!” I replied cheerfully and swiped my way through the turnstiles to safety.

You know what I’d like? I’d like just one candidate to ask ME what I’d like them to do for me if they became President. Because I have some suggestions (of course I do). Firstly, I’d like to be able to enjoy all bad, bad, heavenly things tax free (even the illegal ones). I would like some affordable healthcare and decent education but apart from these things I’d be happy if the government would butt out of my life altogether, unless it’s to bring me a wheelbarrow filled with money, a bottle of top shelf tequila and an Uzi.

Most importantly of all, today is Pancake Tuesday, Fat Tuesday, Mardi Gras, Shrove Tuesday! A day for a face stuffing and I’m happy to report, my coworkers have started early by providing us with many cookies, coffee and pastries. This is a quite splendid and unexpected occurrence. Tonight I will bake up a storm of crepes to drizzle in lemon juice and sugar as is the British way and will proceed sucking them down like oxygen while the election results come in.

The Dark one just left for Europe again and I am drowning in future trips and travel arrangements that need to be made, so I will commence swinging on my chair and singing along with this old Jesus and Marychain album and maybe tomorrow I’ll consider doing some work.

I do have a lovely bunch of coconuts.


24 Responses to “Everything Tuesday”

  1. doorknob_dan Says:

    I’m anxiously awaiting any photoshopped campaign buttons that hopefully this comment will inspire you to create….

    Well, not anxiously maybe. More like sitting in my chair and hitting refresh occasionally. Is that anxious?

    Mnn, crepes. You’ve got it all wrong – maple syrup and blueberries are the topping that is required. Substitute strawberries, but they tend to get mushy.

  2. The Guv'ner Says:

    A Canadian endorsing maple syrup, imagine that!

    I do love me some maple syrup I admit so some of that may enter the equation also…oh I just drooled on my shirt again. Damn.

    Hmmm…buttons….Future entry I think. Maybe. Can Hillary’s just say “It’s a MAN BABY!”?

  3. doorknob_dan Says:

    Contest? See who can make the craziest campaign button? Winner gets something like a piece of paper with a photoshopped award on it?

    Who’s in!

  4. The Guv'ner Says:

    Oh, I think SO! We need to get everyone to email them to me or something then I can post them all at a later date.


  5. doorknob_dan Says:

    Sign me up!

  6. Suze Says:

    I typed a comment and it went away. Damn it! Basically I said in a much more eloquent comment, send me some of those crepes with lemon drizzle immdiately and I will let you tell me who to vote for. Immediately Guv!

  7. Bert Says:

    The phrase, “groin pains” comes to mind, because you said football, election and religious holiday.

    Add you to the mix (minx) and it becomes “throbbing groin pains.”

    I have to believe your heart is in the right place.

  8. Dee Says:

    Mmmmmmmm, now I want crepes with lemon and sugar – is it still ok to eat them on Wednesday after Fat Tuesday? And that song is going to be stuck in my head for a long time unless I can cycle through my list until I hit a new one (Spanish Flea, Girl From Ipanema, It’s a Small World – the list goes on until it’s just a mildly annoying song that captures my attention).

    Mmmmm, 500 Miles by the Proclaimers!

  9. DCup Says:

    Our political system is so deserving of mocking! I’m glad you’re here to do it with style. I swear, it’s enough to make me eat crepes with anything.

    And now, I’m hungry and the election returns are just making me crave anything that would go with some top shelf tequila.

  10. The Guv'ner Says:

    Dan: Get drawing!! 🙂

    Suze:Those damn comments with a mind of their own. Incidentally, the crepes were AMAZING with the lemon and sugar and I have stuffed a couple in the mail, ‘k? ‘k.

    Bert: Wait…does that mean my HEART is in my GROIN? Dude….

    Dee: I will hunt you down for mentioning that DAMN proclaimers song!!! As retaliation may I suggest “GUANTANEMERAAAAA”. You’re welcome. You can have those fabulous crepes EVERY day. In fact they were so good I plan on making them again this week sometime – I mean I’d hate the extra ingredients to go bad or anything…

    Dcup: ANYTHING goes with top shelf tequila. Hell, even bottom shelf tequila is a good partner for most things. I have a good tip. If you can find “on the Border” margarita mix, add tequila and stick it in your freezer overnight I GUARANTEE you a good time. Stuff comes in a BUCKET. Lots of margarita goodness!

    As for the election, I can only mock Republicans and Hillary’s hairstyle. Mainly I like to mock Huckabee because well…he’s asking for it, let’s face it.

  11. Pixie Says:

    Oh my gods.

    Now I NEED crepes… not just wanting a little… CRAVING THEM… INSATIABLY.

    Thanks for that.

    *going to the waffle house*

  12. Dee Says:

    To that all I can say is “Cheer up, sleepy Jean”! Guatanemera was a very low blow…

  13. The Guv'ner Says:

    Dee: GASP!!!!!


    No really. Thank YOU!

  14. The Guv'ner Says:

    Pix: DO IT! Make crepes. They are so lovely and warm and fresh straight from the pan and drizzled with lemony sugary goodness. My only problem was I didn’t make ENOUGH of them. Damn.

  15. trigimper Says:

    Yuip, I made pancakes (crepes to you lot), thank heavens for the slab of web wonderfulness that is Delia Smith’s website. Yep, squeezed lemons (and oranges) and sugar was all that was needed. Though some Lyle’s Golden syrup would have topped things off, but depsite tearing all my cabinets apart I didn’t have any !!. Wah, why can’t Goodwoods do same day delivery !

  16. The Guv'ner Says:

    I made my crepes with lemon juice and sugar and they were SPECTACULAR. There just weren’t enough of them. 🙂 I mentioned to my friend Maria who was over to help eat them that Golden Syrup would have made them perfect and I usually do have some around but no luck this time. I must get some for the next batch!!! 🙂

  17. Bert Bananas Says:

    I like to get me some next batch…

  18. Diane Mandy Says:

    I’m sure your coconuts are lovely.

  19. BeckEye Says:

    I wanted to form a band in time for Mardi Gras. BeckWheat Zydeco. Ah well, maybe next year.

  20. The Guv'ner Says:

    Bert: I will put some aside, ‘k? Wink!

    Diane: I nurse them anxiously.

    Beck: Goddamn, I believe I’d pay to hear that band! 🙂 get on it woman.

  21. pistols at dawn Says:

    Where’s the webcam where you display these lovely coconuts?

    Some people never learned how to share despite the fact that they’re commies.

  22. The Guv'ner Says:

    Dude, since you asked nicely, find some lovely coconuts at the URL below. I don’t know who this is but I’m sure you’ll approve anyway. This is what happens when you search for “huge coconuts”.


  23. doorknob_dan Says:

    A girl with a moustache?

    Cause that’s all I see there.

  24. The Guv'ner Says:

    She does have extremely large coconuts though.

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