Quiet Please! The Guv’ner Is Working

Despite the fact The Überlord is out of the office, and in fact, out of the country until tomorrow (cue Hallelujah Chorus), I have spent all this morning working. Yes, you heard me correctly. Working. When I could have been blogging. Or reading gossip sites. Or napping on the couch in the Überlord’s office. Or procrastinating and drinking Diet Pepsi. Or making voodoo dolls in his likeness out of office supplies and then castrating them. With a rusty butter knife.

So yes, I worked. Of my own free will. Aren’t you all so proud? I’m putting it in the calendar as a reminder and next year I will bake a cake for the anniversary and possibly commission a bill board in Times Square saying “What were YOU doing on February 7th, 2008? THE GUV’NER WAS WORKING!” and it will be as smug and sanctimonious as it sounds and feature a huge, scary photo of me grinning with spinach on my teeth and giving a cheesy thumbs up.

There has been some rampant compiling of lists for a start. Things are getting to the Code Red stage of hectic as regards travel and meetings for the next few months, and keeping track of the who the where the when is getting horrendous, as is keeping a record of what paperwork has been completed for each trip. It is quite frankly a major spear in the Guv’ner’s side. Therefore, my highly informative lists are very helpful in these matters and as only I see these lists, I can scribble snide little comments in the margins like “get authorization for first class to Australia, chaaa right!” and “who does he think he’s kidding?” and when he’s really pissing me off I can scrawl myself a note that says, “Überlord requests middle seat in coach next to very fat person who hates deodorant”, as well as draw crude sketches of the Dark Überlord swinging in a hang man’s noose or being eaten by a lion or sodomized by Shaquille O’Neal. So even work can be fun to an extent.

Naturally now I am over the lists and more interested in the Internetz and whether Britney’s driven off of a cliff yet, while naked, speaking like Dick Van Dyke and covered in lime jello, weave falling through the air like a giant, hairy spider.

(She hasn’t.)

There are, however, still 9 and a bit hours left in the day, so I wouldn’t count her out just yet.

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22 Responses to “Quiet Please! The Guv’ner Is Working”

  1. Falwless Says:

    Bill board schmill schmoard.

    I say go all the way. Take photos and video of said notes and scribblings and all manners of various documents and, of course, poses of you sitting at a desk looking very work-ish and efficient. I’m thinking continuous loop, large screen in Times Square. This is momentous and should be properly commemorated.

  2. doorknob_dan Says:

    Work done? Whoa. This will go down as one of those big days in history.

    Q: “Where were YOU on oh-two-oh-seven?”
    A: “Man, I was THERE!! Second or third commenter!! I was a PART of it!”

  3. The Guv'ner Says:

    Falwless: You know, I really like the way you think. I’m thinking full neon arrows everywhere pointing to the obvious 100 foot tall screens of me smirking and looking smug and maybe someone could superimpose that sparkling, Ultra-brite gleam on my teeth (you know, between the spinach) and maybe the photo can be captioned with “Don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like the Guv’ner?” or something equally superior. In fact, maybe I should charge people to drive through the area for the privilege of viewing my fabulosity?

    Dan: I’m telling you. My head hurts. It’s so confused. You should be privileged to be here. I’ll put an autograph in the mail because you’re special. Just don’t sell it on Ebay, ok? The rush of bidders will kill you.

  4. MsPuddin Says:

    *gasp!* work!? NO

  5. The Guv'ner Says:

    I’m afraid so, Ms. P. I’m ashamed of myself, if it’s any consolation…

  6. pistols at dawn Says:

    I’d just gotten over the Shaq attack.

    Thanks.

  7. The Guv'ner Says:

    Aw dude, I’m sorry. Was it too soon? Deep breaths. Say it with me. “It was not my fault my bottom is so pert.”

    There.

  8. Suze Says:

    Wow, I thought I went to the wrong site. I know you work hard – but even when Sir Ass is gone? I think you should get some kind of medal. In fact tomorrow, when I go back to work finally, I will spend all my 8 hours looking for a proper medal for you. Well 7 hours – a girl has to eat.

  9. The Guv'ner Says:

    Well no Suze, dude…it was a ONE OFF. It won’t be happening EVERY time he’s gone but I will accept the medal because yes, I deserve it. I will stroke it lovingly and kiss it and curl up on the sofa with it and nap.

    In my defense, I only worked maybe four hours out of nine. I’m efficient not stupid!

  10. CDP Says:

    Guv’ner…you should probably review your day’s activities and revise your post accordingly. Did you spend any of your day researching ways to make people “disappear”? Doesn’t count as work. Any Google searches on undetectable arson methods? Again, does not count as work. Just helping you keep your journalistic standards high.

  11. The Guv'ner Says:

    CDP: You are such a killjoy. I suppose you’ll tell me next that consulting the Webz about how to make a bomb out of a milk carton and some chili powder isn’t “work” either?

  12. WendyB Says:

    Work is a four-letter word and I am offended that you used it in my presence.

  13. The Guv'ner Says:

    Wendy: I offended myself. I mean it’s practically the weekend, what was I thinking?

  14. Teri Says:

    I’ve been getting complaints from the other staff members that you’ve been slacking lately.

    About time you got to work.

  15. MADAME LA PROF Says:

    Brilliant! You really do make an exhausted somebody laugh out loud.

  16. The Guv'ner Says:

    Teri: They’re all just jealous of my multi-tasking prowess. “She blogs, she surfs the web, she arranges an extensive tour of Asia, she orders lunch…how does she do it and why am I so inadequate?” 🙂

    Madame: Well now, in YOUR job you WOULD be exhausted. All those little evil mis-spellers tugging your sleeve all day going “Madame, qu’est ce que c’est une prostituée?” and other pertinent questions that are difficult to answer without the aid of gin.

  17. BeckEye Says:

    I have NOTHING to do today. Do you know how hard it is to pretend to be busy for 8 hours? 5 hours I can do, but not 8.

    I think all blog templates should look like Excel spreadsheets. Then we could surf and still look like we’re getting shit done.

  18. The Guv'ner Says:

    Beck: I TOTALLY agree with that! Unlike you I am bloody SWAMPED today. I just rushed on in the few minutes free to check email. It’s been crazy. It’s FRIDAY did no one tell the Uberlord???? JEEZE! 🙂

    /jealous.

  19. trigimper Says:

    Well yes, one was forced to work yesterday myself. The Britney didn’t leave the house for 24 HOURS !!. Gosh I had to do some work because I was so bored.

  20. The Guv'ner Says:

    Dude, from now on she is going to be known as THE BRITNEY. It has been written! 🙂

  21. The Idea Of Progress Says:

    That’s how I spent my weekends (although no Jello, ’cause I’m a vegetarian).

  22. The Guv'ner Says:

    I suspected this. I too am a vegetarian so I like to smother myself in chocolate pudding.

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