Psychotic Secretary Will Kill You

The headache I have today makes me think I know exactly how Lizzie Borden’s victims felt. You know, right before it all went black.

Things briefly improved when, while running an errand downstairs, I ran into this girl who was as excited and flustered as a ten year old at a Hannah Montana concert. This made me momentarily happy that the upper echelons of power must have given us the whole of next week off and a giant raise, but it turned out she was just happy because she heard a rumor there was a cake shaped like a skyscraper in the cafeteria and that we were all entitled to eat it. Fair enough little chick, that would get my heart-a-fluttering too. I went down there and sure enough – skyscraper cake. Who knew! I figured all that cake might place too heavy a load on the flimsy little table they had it on so I volunteered to eat a giant slab of it, thus making it lighter and saving the day. Go me.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Thank God there is someone to take over where Mother Theresa left off, Guv!” Well, you are welcome.

I’ve also been slogging through a slew of complicated work crap and now I feel slightly insane, which, as you know, is a new sensation for me. I sent out emails to all corners (?) of the world demanding certain pieces of information that would prevent me overheating and having to take hostages, but so far no response. I will try not to be offended by this as I know people in Sydney and in India are entitled to sleep once in a while, even if I happen to be awake and demanding things. I mean ideally the whole world would stand to attention every hour I’m awake, ready to spring into action at my command, however, for now I have no choice but to let it be.

On the equally annoying side, I have had to start a dedicated notebook just for the travel stuff I’m doing. This book is already hilarious. It’s filled with flights I need to get, information I need, hotel stuff and due to the constant changes, it has more lines through it than a WalMart store. One day I’m going to take a photo of this book so you can see the mayhem I’m talking about. You will be appalled. You will cry for your mommy. You will cut yourself.

The Dark Überlord is here today and running around like his panties are on fire. This morning he sent me to Starbucks for two double espressos and a latte. When I got back he frowned because he wanted two lattes and a double espresso. I showed him the note he gave me to the contrary but he still sulked because really, I should have decoded that note and reversed the numbers, what was wrong with me, did I not read between the lines?

Give that man a sedative.

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34 Responses to “Psychotic Secretary Will Kill You”

  1. doorknob_dan Says:

    Skyscraper cake?

    What on earth would the occasion be?

    But hey, you got some cake today! Can’t say it was a total writeoff!

  2. The Guv'ner Says:

    It was from a real estate firm that we just closed a deal with to move premises in the next couple of years. The cake was in the shape of our new building! See? Sense!

    It was good cake. Lots of frosting and bad, bad things. (although I don’t mean Republicans)

  3. BeckEye Says:

    I remember once I got a “toolkit” from a vendor full of chocolate “tools.” Chocolate hammer, chocolate saw, etc. I miss those days when people used to send me stuff, oblivious to the fact that I had no authority to choose them for any contracts and all they were doing was wasting money and fattening me up.

    I need to write a post about this Hannah Montana beeyotch. She’s a-buggin’ me.

  4. The Guv'ner Says:

    I haven’t even seen her damn show and she bugs ME! 🙂

    Chocolate tools you say? I’m all about that. More people should adopt this policy I say. Want something from me? Give me chocolate and I may or may not consider it. If it’s Hershey chocolate you will not only NOT get what you want but you will find a bunch of Hersheys jammed up your pee hole.

    /no likey Hershey.

  5. doorknob_dan Says:

    Know what the idea of hell is?

    Receiving a *big* gift basket full of chocolates from a company that thinks your office is much larger than it is.

    A GOURMET chocolate basket. Full of chocolates with -nuts- in ALL of them.

    I know that some people like nuts, but hey, chocolate is meant to be smooth and buttery all the way through. Your bite shouldn’t be interrupted by something hard and tasting vaguely of forest floor droppings.

    That’s all I have to say about the chocolate thing.

  6. The Guv'ner Says:

    Dude, you are SO RIGHT!!! I hate nuts in chocolate too. It is just not right. Those are two separate food groups and should never be combined. It’s like shagging your sister!

    There, I said it.

  7. doorknob_dan Says:

    You shagged my sister?

    I don’t have a sister.

  8. Falwless Says:

    1. I so jellus. I love cake. Don’t so much enjoy that whole frosting part, but the cake part was invented by angels on high, I think. Or someone else high.

    2. You people are wiggedy whack! Chocolate is always better with nuts! Unless it’s a truffle. Ergo, I am right, you are wrong. It’s really as simple as this.

    3. Word ver is ppwwn. PWWND!!!11

  9. The Guv'ner Says:

    Dan: NO! No NO no. Oh never mind.

    Falwless: I love those word veri things. I like to think there’s a little guy at Blogger sitting there making those up. BJPLSE!

    Also, I agree, the cake part is better than the frosting part for me especially if it’s (SWOON) yellow or vanilla cake. NOMNOMNOM! Chocolate cake I can take or leave but yellow cake, you better git the hell outta mah way, people!

  10. doorknob_dan Says:

    Pie is superior to cake.

    Except the pie crust which must be broken off and soaked in ice cream or whipped cream or some sort of cream to soften it to a satisfactory degree.

    I have this feeling I’m gonna get doodied all over for this one, but I had to say it. Please don’t ban me.

  11. Teri Says:

    “mean ideally the whole world would stand to attention every hour I’m awake, ready to spring into action at my command”

    you’re starting to sound like a native American………

    just sayin…

  12. MADAME LA PROF Says:

    Secretaries still get sent out for coffee??? Damn…y’all need a union and BAD!

  13. The Guv'ner Says:

    Dan: Pie and cake are a close tie I’d say. I’m not averse to pie. However, I know I’m female and all and this is probably against the female code, but I’m not a big fan of ice cream. I mean I’ll eat it occasionally but it’s not something I’m really fond of. I’d rather my pie crust be nekkid.

    Teri: What…like an INDIAN type native American 🙂 Or just a Yank. Because I am absorbing and learning your strange, foreign ways, Uncle Sam.

    Madame: Hahaha, well I don’t very often. I’m not really a secretary in the true sense in that I have other non secretary duties (lord, that sounded DIRTY!) that certainly don’t involve coffee procuring. We just had a client in and they requested the stuff and our cafeteria has coffee and that’s it. No variety. And to be honest when it does happen he at least offers to buy me something as well. You’re right, it’s still pitiful.:)

  14. mindy Says:

    I wonder what would happen if you put a sedative in his double espresso…would they just cancel each other out? Maybe try a laxative? That would get him out of your way for a bit, no?

  15. The Guv'ner Says:

    Mindy, what a great thought! 🙂 One thing’s for sure re: the laxative in his espresso, he’d run to the bathroom but he’d do it REALLY, REALLY FAST! :):)

  16. anastasia Says:

    What hilarious writing. I want to know the reasoning behind the skyscraper cake too, though.

  17. Suze Says:

    Cake? You got cake at work today? Good God woman I’m jealous! I love me some cake. Can you rip a chunk of the cake off, say the garage, and mail it to me immediately?

  18. Teri Says:

    a Yank, Guv.

    not the native, native American. then you’d be talking in strange tongue, wearing skimpy little dresses with a papus on your back……oh, wait, you do that now.

    maybe you are a native, native American.

  19. The Guv'ner Says:

    Anastasia: The cake actually had reason behind it. We are moving premises in a year or so and we just closed the deal on the new building downtown and the realtor sent the cake shaped like the building we’re moving in to as a closing gift! I think it’s a great tactic for anything. When you buy say, a TV the TV store should send you a cake shaped like a TV as a “Congrats on your new TV” gift. THink of the cake when you buy a sofa!!! 🙂

    Suze: You are too funny. LIKE THERE WAS ANY CAKE LEFT WITH ME THERE? Tsk! I thought about you when I ate it though if that’s any consolation. No don’t thank me.

    Teri: Ha! I knew I had to stop wearing feathers in my hair and wearing moccasins. And the braids have to go. Have I missed any offensive stereotypes there I wonder? My name is actually Miss Eating-Cake.

  20. BeckEye Says:

    You don’t like Hershey???? Good Lord, woman. You probably eat that Cadbury fruity, nutty egg-noggy chocolate mess that Brits tend to like. Ugh.

    I’ve made many a pilgrimage to Hershey Park. I may have bought a few 5 pound chocolate bars.

  21. CDP Says:

    Apropos of nothing other than BeckEye’s comment:
    1. Hershey chocolate is so ridiculously superior to Crapbury that it’s not even worth further discussion.
    2. My mother in law and her Korean friends go to Hershey with their church every so often. Once, they came back with bags of Hershey miniatures and they were all showing them to everyone they met…since they all shop in Korean markets, they had no clue that you can find Hershey miniatures in any grocery store. I didn’t have the heart do destroy the illusion.

  22. The Guv'ner Says:

    Becks: I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that. CADBURY was sent straight from heaven. Cadbury’s Daily Milk is THE only chocolate. It is pure, unfiltered ecstasy. Hershey tastes like puke. Now don’t go making the mistake of buying the Cadbury chocolate Hershey license here, it is NOT the same as the real thing even remotely. You know what, one day I will educate you on the ways of Cadbury. You’ll never look back.

    CDP: No. No, she paid you. She had to. No one can seriously make that claim, surely, without being high. Of course if you have had the American version of Cadbury’s I might understand but if you had the Brit or Canadian version, aka: the REAL version, you’d eat those words, lady!

    Quite frankly I am appalled at the lack of taste you ladies have. I might cry now. Tsk!

  23. Chris Says:

    My dad loves cake, but he rarely eats it right away. Instead he’ll let it sit for a few days until it’s really dry and crumbly, then he’ll eat it in a bowl with milk and a little sugar…

    Every year for Christmas I get a box of chocolates from the editor of the local senior center’s newsletter (which I design every month at the print shop). I also get a box of chocolates from the director of the senior center, and one from the secretary there as well. This has happened for 14 years. Turns out they get so many boxes of chocolate from the nice old people at the senior center that they can’t eat ’em all, so I get some.

    Yay for nice old people who give boxes of chocolate!

    (Note: My word verification was one letter away from being “syrup.”)

  24. The Guv'ner Says:

    Chris; Your dad is weird but strangely sensible! 🙂

    As for chocolates, there is no circumstance I can think of where receiving chocolates would ever be offensive or wrong. Bring on the chocolates I say. And cake!

    I love the word verifications. I’ve had some great practically obscene ones in the past.

  25. WendyB Says:

    “panties” cracked me up. I think I had the same headache as you.

  26. The Guv'ner Says:

    Wendy: I like to think that he wears pink frilly ones under his work pants. And that they totally CHAFE.

  27. Diane Mandy Says:

    “Let them eat cake.” Didn’t something awful happen after Marie said these words? I can’t imagine what would have happened after a skycraper cake and I don’t even know what that is!

  28. The Guv'ner Says:

    Diane: Ha ha ha! I’m not sure I want to know either… I just know it was GOOD. Mmmm cake. It makes the world right.

  29. So@24 Says:

    I wonder how many people will get that Lizzie Borden reference…

  30. The Guv'ner Says:

    Dude, I thought Lizzie was big! Like BRITNEY big???? 🙂

  31. Falwless Says:

    I’m going to admit readily I had no idea who Lizzie Borden was. So I wiki’d her.

    Among the more interesting facts is that she apparently inspired a very uplifting, not at all morbid children’s jump-rope rhyme:

    Lizzie Borden took an axe
    And gave her mother forty whacks.
    And when she saw what she had done
    She gave her father forty-one.

  32. katrocket Says:

    Sorry, I stopped reading when you stopped talking about the cake. I mean, you didn’t even say what flavour it was.

    What the hell has gotten into you?

    Caketease.

  33. DCup Says:

    I’d say give that man six or seven sedatives. All at one time.

  34. The Guv'ner Says:

    Falwless: I know that rhyme. I’m all for sick-assed rope jumping rhymes!:) What a surprise, huh?

    Kat: It was chocolate and vanilla, chill out dude.

    Dcup: Can I then hit him with a bat? Hard? And maybe a quick kick in the nuts for good measure! Oh I’m liking this.

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