Damn Überlords

The Dark Überlord has a really, intensely irritating laugh. If you took a loud, boorish society matron and mated her with a horse, then tickled the ass of the resulting spawn, with a feather, that’s exactly the sound you’d get.

He also overuses this obscene guffaw in his many quests to be “one of the guys”. He’s in his 50s but likes to think he’s still a frat boy with his curse words, his schmoozing, his corporate lunches with clients where he tells appalling jokes and laughs at them with that laugh.

Yesterday, while walking out of his office, he ripped a giant fart then had a jolly good wheeze at it. I mean, I know farts are funny. I laugh at mine all the time – they are high-fucking-larious, but really, not in an office environment. Not in the corridor where several people can bear witness to your gassy bowels. He also lets out these enormous belches fairly frequently and mutters to himself. Once I heard him joking with his son on the phone about whether or not his son was “getting some”. I doubt they were talking about chocolate. It’s bizarre to me because people are always saying to me “Oh you work for The Dark Überlord, he’s so nice!”

No. No he isn’t. He’s only nice if you don’t know him. He’s a schmoozer. He’s phony. He’s a faux nice guy. He’s a player. With a loud, witchy laugh.

Therefore, it’s some sort of divine intervention when he waltzes out of his office all smarmy and cocky, trips over his shoelace, does an unintentionally fine rendition of a seven year old girl at a ballet recital and flies arse-over-tit onto the floor.

I laughed and laughed. See, THAT, Dark Überlord, is appropriate office humor!

I just got through a whole entry without mentioning V-Day. I deserve an award.


29 Responses to “Damn Überlords”

  1. Diane Mandy Says:

    Do I get an award if I don’t mention “it” in my comment as well?

  2. Wendy Says:

    No cookie – you mentioned it!

    And OMG LOL at the image of DO doing a header, windmilling arms and girly shriek included!

  3. The Guv'ner Says:

    Diane: I THINK SO! It should be so. We deserve some lovely cake and some wine for it.

    Wendy: I know but shhhh I think I got away with it! I was just commenting to YOU when you were leaving THIS. How spooky is that?

    And his somersaulty thing was HYSTERICAL 🙂

  4. Baroness von Bloggenschtern Says:

    And the YouTube video for this would be filed under …? Perhaps a security camera caught it somehow – oh how great would THAT be? You could be launching the DU into a much-mocked cult figure. (Does he cry about leaving Britney alone too?)

  5. The Guv'ner Says:

    Baroness: The You Tube video would be filed under “ASSHAT BOSSES” in the “freaking hilarious come uppance” section. 🙂 I’d start that section especially for him.

    Maybe he’ll do a Britney head shave next and just descend into full on madness. I can hardly wait!

  6. Dee Says:

    I have to thank you for the description of your boss’s laugh: my cousin sounds exactly like that and I’ve never been able to describe it properly. Now I have what I need!

    She’s nice though, so I feel such a laugh is very unfortunate for her…

  7. CDP Says:

    He farts and falls down in front of you? I fail to see why you complain about him; he sounds like the ideal boss to me.

  8. Falwless Says:

    hahaha @ cdp!

    Guv, your posts make me very glad I do not work for the DÜ. And glad I do not have to reformat an assload of Excel nonsense into Word. In other words, you make me glad to be alive.

  9. The Guv'ner Says:

    Dee: It depends on who it belongs to. Annoying person = tres annoying laugh! 🙂

    Cdp: Again, on an endearing person it would be funny. On an overgrown assclown, not so much.

    Falwless: Thanks, I think…
    The Excel madness was over yesterday. Get this: I converted it all to Word. It was 380 pages long, included 61 tables, had to be totally reformatted and spelling corrected (the spelling was OMG awful) and then, after all that, the Uberlord is all “I need tab dividers in this.” Where the hell does he think getting three sets of 60 dividers with 2 minutes notice? So he got red paper separators instead and a lovely Table of Contents and he’s lucky to still be breathing.

  10. Suze Says:

    I would have written and held up a sign with a 5.9 score (for technical difficulty) and then would have kept laughing until I was forcibly thrown out. Well done! I don’t know what you’re talking about that you didn’t mention.

  11. Hollywood Sucker Says:

    Oh sick.

    Does he talk to his son about farting too?

  12. The Guv'ner Says:

    Suze: HA HA HA HA! That’s a GREAT idea. Damn, if only I could rewind the clock. Tsk. I’m not sure it deserved a 5.9 though. Maybe a 3.1 for effort.

    Hollywood: No doubt. I don’t want to know what they talk about frankly. I might vomit like a volcano and never stop. His son actually might be more mature. I’ve met his son, he’s NICE.

  13. doorknob_dan Says:

    I hope that when you quit working for that company and have landed a nice job at a different place with a boss who looks like umm, Robert Redford 20 years ago (or Brad Pitt now, same thing) that buys you lunch every day and doesn’t do retarded things, you will send your link to this blog to the uberlord.

    (Then call him up a few weeks later and ask for a reference!)

  14. The Guv'ner Says:

    Hahaha. Yeah. That would serve me right.

    Although Robert Redford 20 years ago isn’t my type at all. Nor is Brad Pitt. I know! A woman who doesn’t worship the Brad. Someone should put me in a museum before I die out.

  15. WendyB Says:

    I’m laughing in a hopefully non-irritating way.

  16. trigimper Says:

    You have V-Day ?? YOu do know that anti-biotics can clear up that sort of thing, don’t you ?

    I pondered the merits of arse over tittedness myself while running in the woods. It took on a buddha quality, if a foul mouthed ex-pat goes arse over tit in the mud, will anyone hear the string of unmentionable expletives, or will they take up a notepad and vow to use all the new swear words that they hear ?

  17. The Guv'ner Says:

    V-DAY not V DEE.


    I always wondered about that tree falling in the woods thing. I mean whose inane idea was that? Why wouldn’t it make a sound?

    Of course it wouldn’t cuss like a Brit who’s gone arse over tit in the woods but still.

    It’s worth trying out. I’m not sure how…

  18. Bluzlover Says:

    This is hilarious! I’ve obviously never met the Uberlord, but I know him. Your vivid description brings to mind several guys and sadly even a woman I know. What kind of crazed human-like beings hide inside these people?

  19. The Guv'ner Says:

    Bluzlover: I know! Power crazed, social outcasts is my guess. And yes, at my last job there were a couple of women who fitted that description too. I think it’s a corporate thing. You reach a certain level of importance and disappear up your own ass!

  20. Madame/Frenchie Says:

    I work with a teacher with a searing, high-pitched, rip-through-the- mumbling-crowd kind of laugh. It’s quite the subject of many a student joke. At least your Uberlord only has to put up with a few people making fun of him….not that he doesn’t deserve more.

  21. Leonesse Says:

    Farts r funny.

  22. DCup Says:

    OMG. The guy is so pathetic. What an embarrassment. He doesn’t have the sense to know what a buffoon he is, does he?

    Here’s my question because I worked for this clown in the form of an almost 60 year old woman…..how does these people get in the positions they hold? Is it like social promotion in school? Just keep moving them up?

  23. The Guv'ner Says:

    Wendy: I’m sure your laugh is like the tinkling of a little, tuneful bell! 🙂

  24. The Guv'ner Says:

    Leo: why yes they are. Unless they’re from the bottom of your loathsome boss then they’re more disgusting.

    Dcup: I have no idea. I figure they start out normal, get obnoxious, get promoted, lose grip on reality altogether.

  25. BeckEye Says:

    He’s only nice if you’re standing upwind.

  26. trigimper Says:

    Guv’ner…but I thought farts and sarcasm were the sole basis of our humoUr ?

  27. The Guv'ner Says:

    Beck: He’s only nice if he’s absent!

    Tri: They ARE! Just not when they come out of your loathsome boss’s pooper.

  28. pistols at dawn Says:

    Pratfalls are almost always funny if they don’t involve you.

  29. The Guv'ner Says:

    Sadly they mostly DO involve me, so when one doesn’t I like to take advantage of it with a loud HA HA!

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