Give The Guv’ner Strength

Sorry to have yet another whiny entry about the deficiencies of the stupid Überlord but he’s so full of fodder I can’t seem to help myself.

One thing he’s really bad with is names. He’ll have a person’s name in his head and he will proceed to get one name right and the other name will be totally off. Or else he’ll get a surname completely wrong. Or the spelling will be ridiculous.

“Get me the number for Fred Fitzsimmons at such and such a company.” he’ll say. Numerous searches and head scratching will pull up nothing until I accidentally find a Frank FitzGerald.

“I don’t suppose that by Fred Fitzsimmons you meant Frank Fitzgerald?” I’d ask him suspiciously.

“Oh. Yeah. That’s him! I need his number.” He will reply, as though it were blatantly obvious.


Yesterday he said to me:

“I need the number for a man in Latin America named Luis Garcia. I’m not sure who he works for but I think he’s in Venezuela or it might be Colombia.”

Thanks a bunch Überlord. I mean there won’t be several thousand of those in those countries at all. Every second man you meet in the street will be called Luis Garcia, their sons will be Luis Garcia and their fathers will be Luis Garcia, you stammering buffoon. Nevertheless, I conduct a search through various fields and come up with several possible candidates with that name, in related fields to us. The Überlord frowns when surveying the list.

“I don’t think this is right…” he says.

“You are sure his name is Luis Garcia?” I ask, because really, I’ve been down this road before.

“I think so.” replies the Überlord. “I mean, I’m pretty certain. And now I think about it, I think he works for [company]”

I track down that company, do some more digging and come up with no one named Luis Garcia. There is, however, a Jorge Garcia Martinez. And he’s in Brazil.

“Um…I don’t suppose that by Luis Garcia in Venezuela you actually meant Jorge Garcia Martinez in Brazil?” I ask, getting some severe déjà vu.

“Yes!” he exclaims. “That’s the guy!”

So I picked up my industrial 3-hole punch and beat him to death with it.


41 Responses to “Give The Guv’ner Strength”

  1. CDP Says:

    It was only a matter of time. RIP, Dark Uberlord.

    (PS–assuming that you didn’t REALLY kill him, next time he asks for some vague South American, throw him a can of coffee with the Juan Valdez label on it, and say “there he is”)

  2. ~:*:*:Pixie:*:*:~ Says:

    You made it look like a suicide, RIGHT?!?!

  3. The Guv'ner Says:

    Cdp: Snort 🙂 I will note that. Or ask him if he is looking for Dirty Sanchez. (EW!)

    Pix: OF COURSE! He bludgeoned himself to death officer, honest! 🙂

  4. trigimper Says:

    Beating him to death is so final. How about using the three hole punch to give him a triple Prince Albert ?

  5. The Guv'ner Says:

    Wow Tri. And I thought I was evil. OUCH!!! 🙂

  6. trigimper Says:

    I had an Irish mother – I learned from the best 😉

  7. The Guv'ner Says:

    The evil must be a celtic thing. Scots, Irish…I bet even the Welsh are evil.

  8. So@24 Says:

    Ahhhh, the life of an assistant.

    I’m so much happier with competent bosses now.

  9. trigimper Says:

    I should add my father was Scottish, so I was doomed from Birth.

    As for the Welsh being evil, only if you are a sheep.

  10. The Guv'ner Says:

    So@24: Dude, please send me one! 🙂 PLEASE!

    Tri: Haha! Poor Welsh people. And yes, doomed you were. No wonder you moved overseas.

  11. WendyB Says:

    Are we supposed to be bailing you out of the pokey now?

  12. The Guv'ner Says:

    Wendy: I was very cunning and think I got away with it. I cleaned up the blood, propped him up in his chair and I don’t think anyone will notice the difference…Not till he starts to stink.

  13. doorknob_dan Says:

    When is the book called “The Uberlord” coming out?

    I’d buy it!

  14. PunkRockHillbilly Says:

    Is it bad that I wished my boss had a little Dark Uberlord in him so I’d have some decent blog material???

  15. The Guv'ner Says:

    Dan: If I have my way, NEVER!

    Punkrockhillbilly: Damn, I’ll trade you! Send me a nice, reasonable boss whose head isn’t up his ass and the Uberlord is all yours!!!! :0

  16. Falwless Says:

    I encourage and condone the beating. Just in case you were breathlessly waiting for my approval.

  17. The Guv'ner Says:

    Well I wasn’t waiting for it, I just went ahead, however, it’s nice to GET it all the same….

  18. pistols at dawn Says:

    To be fair, it’s really tough remembering which country all those people who speak those moon languages are from.

  19. Diane Mandy Says:

    Aw, c’mon, guv. You don’t really expect him to remember names in two languages, do you? Look on the bright side, with thie experience you could probabaly get a job chasing down deadbeat dads or something.

  20. The Guv'ner Says:

    PaD: I know. I don’t know what I was thinking. Not everyone has my enormous intellect after all!

    Diane: I quite fancy myself as a private eye actually. Trench coat, funky hat, cigarette, dark alleys. Yeah baby. The cigarette will have to be chocolate though. My only stipulation. And I must be allowed a taser. Deadbeat dads get frisky sometimes after all.

  21. Teri Says:

    good to see that 3-hole punch finally came in handy.

    what a Fucktard!

  22. The Guv'ner Says:

    Teri: Sadly it took numerous bashes. A real steel one would have been preferable. If I could lift the Xerox machine I’d have used that!

  23. Leonesse Says:

    I have wanted to slam my bosses head in the copier while screaming “YOU MADE ME PUT A CODE ON THE MACHINE, NOW REMEMBER IT BITCH!!!”

    sorry… flashback

  24. Suze Says:

    Really, you’d be out in the street in a day. Justifiable homicide. If that fails, I’ll say you were with me and we were eating a WHOLE grilled cheese sandwich at the time of said incident.

  25. The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: Says:

    My husband has this disease, but he has me to cover for him and I understand who he means most of the time and am able to save him a great deal of embarrassment (and me too).

    Unfortunately, I am not always with him and I feel very sorry for his assistant and hope every day that she doesn’t kill him. She’s more likely to beat him to death with his laptop though.

  26. MsPuddin Says:

    Colombia or Brazil. Tomato, tomahto…

  27. The Guv'ner Says:

    Suze: Ha, I had a grilled cheese sandwich WITH FRIES at the local diner last night and I actually thought of you while I ate it! :):)

    Leo: I see that the past is a sore subject for you! A bit like the present is for me! Damn bosses making life frustrating. Hee. Copier codes. SO FAMILIAR. And cankles are never good.

    Lady: But I’ll give your husband the benefit of the doubt that he’s forgetful in a nice, charming way! 🙂

    Ms. Puddin’: Yeah Latin America on the whole. It’s all SPANISH for the love of God. Well, except the Portuguese parts I guess.

  28. Jenny Says:

    I thought about hitting a co-worker over the head with a stapler, but a 3 hole punch seems like it would work better!

  29. The Guv'ner Says:

    Jenny: Or one of those weighted electric pencil sharpeners. Those are quite heavy and could make a nice dent….

    I have just spoken like a serial killer.

  30. BeckEye Says:

    That reminds me of that scene in “Night Shift” (80% of things remind me of that movie) where Chuck comes back to the morgue and sees that the guy before him wrote down “The name of the deceased: ‘something Polish’.”

    My Dad recently tried to tell us about a new BBQ place that opened up and was sure it was called Bob Barrett’s Ribs. It’s Famous Dave’s. Close, Dad.

    On another topic, Guv, if you’re around this Saturday night I’m having a little birthday gathering at Sweet Paradise Lounge in the lower east side, if you feel like swinging by. I don’t know how many people will actually show up. If it’s anything like my “gathering” last year, there will be me and like 3 other people, 2 of whom I won’t even know.

  31. The Guv'ner Says:

    Beck: Too funny. Your dad and my boss are RELATED.

    And your do sounds like a drunken fab night if you ask me. If my plans fall through (and I kind of hope they do) maybe I’ll sneak in and give you a wedgie…:)

  32. mindy Says:

    Ahahahah. What would he do without you?

    Also, my former boss was really bad with names, and because I was his personal assistant, he knew a lot of details of my personal life, including who I was dating. I dated a guy named Brendan for a long time, but then later dated a guy named Nathan. The boss always called Nathan “Brandon”, which, um, was awkward to say the least, but also totally incorrect on so many levels. Luckily Nathan had a good sense of humor.

  33. The Guv'ner Says:

    Mindy: He made a sort of cloned Brendan/Nathan hybrid! :):) Talk about embarrassing though. Yet somehow…funny!

  34. minijonb Says:

    sounds like a game of Clue:

    fucktard killed in the office with a 3 hole punch by The Guv’ner!!!

  35. The Guv'ner Says:


    That could be fun if we make it a drinking game. By the end everyone will be too hammered to care who did the job.

  36. doorknob_dan Says:

    Drunken Clue: always ends up with someone doing somone else in some room somewhere.

  37. The Guv'ner Says:

    You’re in fantasy land again aren’t you?

    Maybe it was in the conservatory with the candlestick.

    Dude, ew.

  38. doorknob_dan Says:

    Don’t be ew-ing me! I never thought of candlesticks!

    T’was all you, babe!

    But it does beg the question, “Exactly how perverted were the creators of Clue at the time anyways?”

    And also, “How perveted is the Guv, anyways?”

  39. The Guv'ner Says:

    Dan: Um. I plead the fifth. Or something. Actually, I’m a nun. I’m like Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music.

  40. landis smithers Says:


  41. The Guv'ner Says:

    Landis: You crazy man! We don’t all get to swan off to exotic places you know, some of us have to bludgeon people to remain sane. Or something:)

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