All My Heroes Are Gay or Cowboys

The first email in my in-box this morning was from that giant stench of decaying matter, the Dark you know who, asking me to “download this picture and send to me”. The email subject contained a link directly to the picture in question and he is blissfully ignorant to the fact you can click this. I pasted it into the body of another email and sent it back to him. I’m constantly amazed the man can tie his shoes. In fact, I’m not convinced he doesn’t wear loafers for this very reason. Not “loafers” as in the tremendously flaming, George Michael, white-loafers-and-no-socks sense, although what he does at home is anyone’s guess (my guess is it involves standing in just his tightie whities, gut overhanging spectacularly, swinging a shiny golf club in front of a mirror and pouting a lot – think Ben Stiller in “Zoolander” – and next time he’s irritating the baby jeebus out of me, I intend to visualize that scene for my own amusement.)

I spent an hour making hotel reservations for his upcoming round the world business extravaganza. We are a big company and we therefore have special rates at hotels like the Westin, but the Westin does not meet the Dark Überlord’s lofty standards so he has me book Grand Hyatts and the like instead. The travel department then laugh in my face, I convince them that even though they’re way more expensive than we’re allowed, the Überlord is a “very important man” who will take care of the difference if there is a problem, then sit back and watch the great big tool try to convince the CFO that he is special enough to warrant a $500 a night room. It’s better than TV. The Überlord is entitled, damnit.

I am sleepy today due to an abundance of bizarre dreams involving me fleeing some enormous arachnids. I blame this squarely on the fact my friend Maria came round last night to hang out and eat chocolate and we ended up watching a bunch of those disturbing travel/food shows where that little, rotund, bald guy goes around the world eating disgustingly unappetizing, and just plain wrong, things. We sat there horrified as he gnawed on fried tarantulas on a stick, battered worms and goose intestines and our particular favorite – “teriyaki cockroaches” – a large nasty roach, injected with teriyaki sauce and skewered like a kebab. Nom nom nom! They looked just as lovely as they sound I can assure you. And if you heard a giant wail of distress around 10pm last night, that was just my soul dying. Seriously, what traumatic event happens to a person in their life, so dreadful that they wake up one day and go, “You know what? Screw that mashed potato and gravy, I think what I want is a fried cockroach!”

Well I seemed to have eradicated that giant hunger I had five minutes ago, how about you? Having trouble sticking to your diet? Call the Guv’ner!

And no, the title had nothing to do with the post. I’m mysterious damn it.

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34 Responses to “All My Heroes Are Gay or Cowboys”

  1. WendyB Says:

    I was going to have a snack, but now I think I’ll skip it. Thanks! I am better off without a large muffin.

  2. The Guv'ner Says:

    See, this could be how I make my millions. Put people off FOOD and make them skinny malinks.

    On second thoughts you should eat that muffin miss. You’re skinny enough! 🙂

  3. CDP Says:

    And I was just debating whether or not to have chips with my tuna sandwich…and you’ve made that decision so much easier. Neither! I’ll have neither sandwich nor chips, thanks!

  4. The Guv'ner Says:

    CDP: How about a teriyaki cockroach??? Fresh! No?

  5. pistols at dawn Says:

    I would really like to watch a television program involving this dude trying to justify the room that costs more per night than most folks make per week. If the bed doesn’t have bloodstains, I’m fine.

  6. The Guv'ner Says:

    Hell if I’ve had tequila I’ll even make exceptions for the stains!!!

    Ew. Maybe not.

    Still…when you’re spending 8 hours in a place, most of it unconscious, I’m not sure why a $500 room is any better than a $190 room but that’s just me. Maybe he just needs to FEEL special. It’s some sort of mommy complex.

  7. Diane Mandy Says:

    Eating dinner as I’m reading… thanks G. Really.

  8. The Guv'ner Says:

    Diane: You’re most welcome. I consider depriving people of enjoyment my life’s work. Really I’m just bitter that I had to see that and you all did not, therefore, I’m making you relive it now. ‘k?

  9. Falwless Says:

    I never realized Danny DeVito had a Food Network show.

  10. The Guv'ner Says:

    SNORT 🙂 Actually, I would not faint in surprise if Danny De Vito ate cockroaches… Although it would be like incest.

    OHHHH poor Danny De Vito.

  11. The Guv'ner Says:

    And by “incest” I totally meant to say “Cannibalism”.

    I keep getting my sex with relatives and eating my own kind mixed up.

  12. Falwless Says:

    hahaha! Just remember in your Google searches, it’s “incest porn,” not “cannibalism porn.” Though, knowing you, you might just fancy the latter, too. Weirdo.

  13. trigimper Says:

    Fawless, well I guess either would work for her, I’m guessing she’s bored with the midget porn by now.

    Oh and book him into the Peninsula, Mandarin or Shangri La in Asia…I’d love to see him justify their prices 😉

  14. The Guv'ner Says:

    Falwless: I’m not sure even I could stomach any of those, despite what that reprobate Brit, below is saying.

    Tri: MIDGETS ARE PEOPLE TOO!

    It’s funny you should mention the Mandarin because I DID book him in one of those in a city that had no Hyatt. SO THERE.

  15. trigimper Says:

    LOL..well I have been to see Mini Kiss, and also Mini Van Halen…;-)

    Mandarin….sigh, wonderful, wonderful places…looking at the snow I want to take off for the weekend and go to the one in South beach…

  16. Suze Says:

    Really, you disappointed me with the title. Cockroaches? Expensive hotel rooms? What happened to the Brokeback Mountain post? Pfff….you’ve made me sad and perhaps a tad disgruntled now.

  17. The Guv'ner Says:

    Tri: How about MINI BRITNEY!?!? There is one you know and if I wasn’t so lazy I’d find you a link. 🙂

    Suze: Now if I’d called it “Cockroaches and Guys Who Eat Them” you’d have hidden under the table wouldn’t you?

  18. Gnugs Says:

    My diet has officially started. RIGHT NOW. Thank you Gov’ner! You have inspired me. No fat women or the picture of me in last year’s bathing suit on the fridge this time! No siree… Its fried cockroaches, injected with teriyaki sauce…

    ugh.

    (And that will stay in my mind forever.)

  19. doorknob_dan Says:

    MY heroes are people who say what they think, winners that don’t use steroids, and people that are able to successfully market teriyaki cockroaches.

    And you’re also my hero, Guv. Don’t ask why, just accept it.

  20. The Guv'ner Says:

    Gnugs: I aim to do my duty for the skinniness of mankind in my own way! 🙂 It’s really put ME off eating too. I just envision that baldy guy biting into that….no. WILL NOT GO THERE AGAIN. I can’t afford the therapy.

    Dan: I am just humbled. Really. Humbled. And there will NEVER be a market for Teriyaki Roaches because NO ONE likes roaches except that one guy and he’s deranged. Although, given that criteria YOU might enjoy them.

    URGH.

  21. doorknob_dan Says:

    The only bugs I eat are the ones that crawl into my gaping, snoring mouth whilst I sleep.

    (Or also the ones that come every spring with the red and black wings…you know, the juicy ones that taste like oyster sauce.)

  22. The Guv'ner Says:

    Dan: I don’t believe that old myth about ingesting bugs as you sleep. I have special radars and filters for such nocturnal movements. You just shut up.

    OK I am grossed out again.

  23. Gnugs Says:

    Wait. Dan eats Love Bugs?!

    That’s just wrong.

  24. Baroness von Bloggenschtern Says:

    You are indeed mysterious. Keep that up. It’s quite refreshing!

  25. The Guv'ner Says:

    Gnugs: I think that may be a more disturbing image than the roach thing…

    Baroness: I’m elusive. Like Kaiser Soze…

  26. Baroness von Bloggenschtern Says:

    Even if you weren’t so enigma-ish, the fact you reference The Usual Suspects makes me love you even more.
    You had me at Kaiser…

  27. The Guv'ner Says:

    Well Baroness, Verbal Kint was too close to a nasty swear word for him NOT to have an evil identity.

    After all, the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist. Ha!

  28. landis smithers Says:

    all my heroes are gay. and i am a cowboy. see? closure for your entry.

  29. BeckEye Says:

    You got me all worked up about gay cowboys for nothing.

  30. doorknob_dan Says:

    Gnugs y Guv,

    Come on. You’re telling me that if a cockroach or beetle scuttles across your floor during a commercial break, you don’t pop it in your mouth?

    Lying bastards.

  31. The Guv'ner Says:

    Landis: NOW it all makes sense! I should just have called it “All my heroes are Landis!” It’s actually the line from a Corky and the Juice Pigs song. I just liked it and stole it.

    Beck: THAT WAS MY EVIL PLAN!

    Dan: I am going to kick your ass for making me throw up a little in my mouth.

  32. The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: Says:

    I am always amazed at people with a sense of entitlement. Well amazed is giving them too much credit – I have no respect for them.

    There were some occasions where my company booked me into hotels that were sub par. But it was more like the difference between a Motel 6 and a Hampton Inn.

  33. DCup Says:

    Everytime I read a post about how helpless the Dark Overlord is, I’m grateful for my job.

    Except the people I work for are pretty helpless, too.

    Dang it. Can I borrow your three hole punch?

  34. The Guv'ner Says:

    Lady: I always love reading about your awful hotel experiences in the past. You’ve had some doozies! I bet the Bates Motel was on your business travel list at one point! 🙂

    Dcup: Just say the word. I’m thinking of upgrading soon to one that weighs about 20lbs for the maximum bludgeoning experience.

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