The Guv’ner Does The Mail

Dear Sir,

While I am flattered and downright thrilled by your kind offer to send me a free, six-month subscription to “Meetings Weekly”, I am afraid I have to decline your very generous offer. While I am quite sure you are correct when you say it will “…greatly enrich and enhance my conference experience” with its myriad of business jargon, corporate accessories and interesting tips on making your PowerPoint presentations “pop”, I think I would much rather dip my toes in ketchup, gnaw them off and spit them at a small child. Please, never send me this publication unless you, in turn, would like me to show up at the offices of your swanky magazine with a sawn-off shotgun and malice in my heart, to bring you all some surprise tiny, metal gifts and a ten second start.

Yours MOST Sincerely,

The Guv’ner

Dear People at Brand Week,

Thank you very much indeed for continuing to make my day, every day. In fact, if I can let you into a little secret, there are days I feel quite sad and I just don’t want to get out of bed, however it is the promise of your daily subscription reminders that forces back the sheets and lets me greet the day with sunshiney enthusiasm. One reminder a day is exactly the right number I need to remember to re-subscribe to a publication I haven’t actually subscribed to in three years, but thank you for reminding me! Truly! In fact, I love your magazine so much, I may take each and every one of those sub cards up on the offer of $149 for a whole year of Brand Week joy at your special subsidized rate. I mean look a gift horse in the noggin? Not I Sir! It’s a bargain at half the price. I would never for one second suggest you take all those notifications you keep mailing me and shove them up your ass sideways and that I hope they paper-cut the entire inside of your poop chute till you cry like a peeled baby rubbed with salt.

Die In A Fire,
The Guv’ner

Dear Readers’ Digest,

NO!

Sincerely,

The Guv’ner

Dear Sir,

Why yes, I surely would love to enroll in some classes at Harvard, thanks so much for asking me yet again. I assume since you are courting me so heavily, that you will be paying? I’m in New York, however, would I be compensated for the daily commute to Cambridge and back? I feel, under the circumstances it’s the least you could do.

I am particularly interested in your course on “How To Dispose Of Bodies Without Detection” and its sister class on “Flesh Eating Acids”.

There are many fine Ivy League establishments trying to snare me, you know, you have to work for this ticket, pal. I feel I have to accept your offer, however, because you are obviously keen to get me judging by the invitation I receive every single Monday, enticing me to enroll. God bless you and your stalker mentality. I would however, ask that from here on in, you refer to me in all correspondence as “Professor Guv’ner” and I would like it known that I am not above accepting bribes.

The Guv’ner

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27 Responses to “The Guv’ner Does The Mail”

  1. Falwless Says:

    This was a great idea and I will now commence with the hating of you for thinking of it before me.

    By the way, did you realize you were a poet?

    with a sawn-off shotgun and malice in my heart, to bring you all some surprise tiny, metal gifts and a ten second start

    Gorgeous. Truly.

    HAHA, word ver is awdeth. Awww, death??! Maaan! And I was having such a good day.

  2. The Guv'ner Says:

    HAHAHA! AW DEATH is what happens when you click on my page, missy. It’s a lesson, learn it!

    Gosh I’m a secret poet. So secret I wasn’t even aware of it. It even RHYMES. Like all the best poems. Pass the hooch now please.

  3. pistols at dawn Says:

    Die in a Fire is my new favorite way to sign a letter. Well done.

  4. The Guv'ner Says:

    I think it should be in text books next to “Yours sincerely” “Yours Faithfully” and “Best regards”. I should be teaching, truly.

  5. CDP Says:

    Dear Guv’ner,
    We are pleased to admit you to the class of 2012, and to offer you a full scholarship, inclusive of tuition, books, room and board, fees, and tequila. Your money is no good here. In exchange, the boss would appreciate it if you could see your way clear to doing him a little favor. There’s a certain highly-placed gentleman at a well-known institution in New Haven who’s been rather disrespectful. We understand that this is known as “smack talking”. Anyhoo, we’d be most appreciative if this gentleman were to disappear. Method is at your discretion. Again, we are pleased to welcome you to Harvard. Veritas.
    Yours sincerely,
    Harvard University

  6. Mathdude Says:

    Maybe you should trademark “Die in a fire”. I usually use “May you die a slow and painful death”, but “Die in a fire” is shorter and more direct.

  7. minijonb Says:

    come on, guv’ner, don’t hold back… tell us how you really feel…

    = : – )

  8. The Guv'ner Says:

    Mathdude: Well it’s a little more vicious, certainly, but yours has a touch more eloquence! 🙂

    MiniJon: Be careful what you ask for, bud. 🙂

  9. The Guv'ner Says:

    Dear CDP:

    I am exuberant over my chance to join your fine institution and certainly, I’d be more than delighted to do any favor you might ask. Maybe the gentleman in question could DIE IN A FIRE? I must point out the tequila payment for this service is quite steep, however, and must be paid in advance.

    Yours respectfully and with no pain intended,

    The Guv’ner

  10. Diane Mandy Says:

    I hate to break it to you, but Ed McMahon is never showing up at your door. But please, keep those letters coming. You had me crying I was laughing so hard.

  11. The Guv'ner Says:

    Diane: I would welcome ED!!! I mean he brings lovely money!

    True fact: At my last job I talked to Ed McMahon on the phone. I was right off the plane from the old country though and had no idea who he was!:) He sounded high. Someone said he always kinda sounds like that…

  12. Suze Says:

    Wow, all I ever get is those $99.00 seminar offers guaranteed to show me how to be an “efficient and effective employee”. That better not be my damn boss sending me that crap.

  13. The Guv'ner Says:

    I get those too! And all these things wanting me to enroll for management leadership courses for only $1,2060! Bargain! I would rather stick rusty nails in my wrists, thanks!

  14. Chris Says:

    I’ve started mailing back all their crap in their own envelopes. Or, if I’m feeling pesky, I’ll send their competitor’s stuff to them in their own envelope. Either way it’s giving a postal clerk somewhere something to do…

  15. The Guv'ner Says:

    LOL Chris. Sending competitors’ stuff is genius. I might have to start that. I might send in a ton of National Geo subscription cards to Brand Week and a cartoon drawing of a penis to the people at Harvard. What could go wrong?!

  16. doorknob_dan Says:

    Awesome idea…reply back with crudely drawn pictures of penises, and no matter who the recipient or what industry they’re in, sign off “I truly hope you will invite me to your school of fine art.”

    Now how do we get rid of pizza and Chinese food fliers, Ms. Secretary?

    My word verification:
    ulxkyydu

    You likes KY? Why do you?

    (Stretching it perhaps.)

  17. Wendy Says:

    I read somewhere about a BRILLIANT revenge scheme for junk mail. Postage-paid envelopes = recipent pays whatever the cost is. Postage = (approx) weight + distance. Ergo, postage-paid envelope, stuck to box of bricks = one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.

    I still get the warm fuzzies thinking about that one.

  18. The Guv'ner Says:

    Dan: I’m all for lewd drawings (No, surely not, you cry) so I’d be willing to send those every time. I should start another blog documenting them. (No, I shouldn’t)

    Wendy: I LOVE that. You could mail some hilarious stuff to them. Oh my mind would explode at the possibilities. It already is!

  19. trigimper Says:

    What a beautiful blog full of piddle and vinegar 😉

    The alternative is to find the names of the executives of said companies then get online and sign them up for catalogs from questionable vendors of filth 😉

  20. BeckEye Says:

    Yeah, those Brand Week/Ad Week/Whatever the fuck Week people are TIRELESS.

    I am going to start signing all of my correspondence with “Die in a Fire” from now on. Thank you for this.

  21. The Guv'ner Says:

    Trigimper: It’s almost tempting to do it! So many opportunities 🙂

    Beck: No kidding. Every day I get those things. And this company called The Conference Board – honestly I probably get three of those a day. For what I don’t know, I never open them Straight into the garbage. It’s so annoying.

    Also damn airlines with their “Get our credit card and earn X amount of free miles.” NO!

  22. WendyB Says:

    Meetings Weekly! Sign me up for the lifetime subscription!

  23. The Guv'ner Says:

    Hahahaha! I will send you ALL OF MY FREE COPIES! 🙂 Then you’ll be sorry for making jokes, missy.

  24. Teri Says:

    God, I’m five minutes late for this post and all the world has commented already.

    You are the finest writer I’ve ever read!

    We will be hearing your name and reading your blog centuries after your death.

    Congrats.

  25. The Guv'ner Says:

    Teri: Whoa lady. Put down the vodka and back away from the glass. Just back. Away.

  26. Teri Says:

    phew, thanks for that, Guv.

    you have one little drink at lunch and poof, craziness ensues.

  27. The Guv'ner Says:

    I can only dream of lunch time alcoholic oblivion. Sob!

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