Well This is Boring

I got in this morning full of the joys of…well…nothing, quite frankly, since I got a hellish night’s sleep due to two cats reenacting the Battle of Hastings on my bed, to find a note pushed under my office door that said, “Guv’ner – please deal with the pile of stuff on my couch.”

One thing The Guv’ner does not like to find first thing in the morning, before the procurement of caffeine and the customary 2 hours winding down and waking up period, is a note wanting me to do things with “piles” of “stuff”. It’s like the man thinks I come here to work, for heaven’s sake.

I cautiously surveyed this pile in case it included explosives. I was sort of hoping to find a chocolate cake, a keg of something icy and refreshing, Javier Bardem (minus the “No Country…” haircut, of course!), a burrito, an X-Files box set, instructions on torturing bosses, a waffle iron, a ticket to the Bahamas, a tub of Wet Ones, a lb of cheddar, a note telling me I had the next two weeks off and a shotgun.

However a Guv’ner’s life is a disappointing affair and the pile contained only a shitload (this is the proper metric term for “quite a lot”) of expenses from the last two foreign trips the Dark Uberlord took, some stuff on a Dictaphone tape that needed transcribing and some instructions that made no sense at all and that, on closer inspection, looked like they were possibly in Swahili. This is most unsatisfactory.

Anyway, I took care of business, scanned some things to email to vendors, cleaned my desk for the first time in about six months and to cap it all off, I somehow stapled my index finger so badly the staple was flat against my finger. You don’t even want to know how I managed that. I should just suggest that you don’t ever try it yourselves, kids, it will end badly and you’ll get blood on your bloomers. It hurt so much that it brought tears to my jaded old eyes and I had to do laps of my office to give my body something else to think about.

So in summary, this morning the Guv’ner, a) Worked like a little bitch, and b) injured herself with a stapler. I’m accomplished I guess.

Advertisements

40 Responses to “Well This is Boring”

  1. WendyB Says:

    I have pain just reading about the stapler incident.

  2. The Guv'ner Says:

    And it still hurts! Even holding my pen hurts. Woe is me! I have actually done this several times in my life. I try to unjam the stapler and end up stapled. I never learn. šŸ™‚

  3. Teri Says:

    hahahahahaha

  4. Teri Says:

    that’s the dumb……..I mean, saddest think I’ve ever heard.

    I think this is the first case of stapling I’ve ever heard of.

  5. Falwless Says:

    And a right fine top o’ the mornin’ to ya, Guv’ner.

    Seriously, though, thank you indeed for the stapler warning. If ever I get the fancy notion to staple my finger to something I will recall this cautionary tale and, god willing, stop right there in my tracks.

  6. BeckEye Says:

    I have a major fear of staplers. Always have. When I was four, one of my friends stapled right through her thumb and I think that’s always stuck with me. And staple guns? Don’t even get me started on those.

    I imagine you finally getting a date with Javi (I call him Javi) and he shows up with that “retarded Beatle” haircut and a 4-year old’s suit jacket. You’d still do him though.

  7. The Guv'ner Says:

    Teri: That’s odd because I have done it MORE THAN ONCE. For real. I have also, stood on a push pin and got a giant splinter in my butt while sliding off a wooden fence (don’t ask).

    Beck: Yes. Yes I would. Even in his psychotic “No Country….” character.

    OK, that might be pushing it. Although they do say the ladies like a bad man. I’m just not sure “bad” quite covers THAT character. šŸ™‚ What am I saying, of course I’d still do him. TSK!

  8. doorknob_dan Says:

    I kid you not, I somehow stapled my left index finger almost a year ago and STILL have a lump there.

    Fucking staplers. Fuck them. Right to hell.

    After that horrible incident I went and bought a big high powered stapler that can ram through 60 pages and can never in any way cause me any sort of injury, then threw the old stapler in a tub and beat it to smithereens. Well not really, but I threw it out anyways.

  9. The Guv'ner Says:

    Falwless: You do that chica! Stay away from those suckers. They should put a Surgeon’s General notice on there like with cigarettes. Or maybe people just shouldn’t be pressing their soft, fleshy finger tips around the sharp end of a stapler? Why didn’t I think of that?

    Danny Boy: 60 pages huh. Think of the appendages you could damage with one of THOSE suckers! My finger tip feels like I’ve been attacked by Dracula. Ouch. Yet, odds are large that before I kick off this mortal coil, I will sometime staple my digit again. Funny how that works.

  10. doorknob_dan Says:

    Guvvy,

    Sending you get-well-soon flowers right now.

    (Not really though, but I’ll be sure to think of your poor lil finger when I buy my next can of coffee that I saved the money for. Aren’t I touching with my sentiment?)

  11. The Guv'ner Says:

    Well flowers suck anyway. Coffee is good. But you know, thanks for the sentiment, naturally.

    I might go get some coffee now you’ve brought it up. When I drink coffee in the afternoon I run around like a Tasmanian Devil. It’s very fun to watch.

  12. doorknob_dan Says:

    You dislike flowers too?

    Is there nothing that isn’t perfect about you?

    Jesus.

  13. The Guv'ner Says:

    Dan: Actually………no. Hey, thanks for noticing.

  14. Gnugs Says:

    Ah… I love days like today:
    Me, walking in the front doors to my boss, sitting at my desk.
    My boss then demanding why I think it’s ok for me to be late.
    Me, blinking in confusion, and pointing out to her that it is in fact 7:30, and the offices don’t open till 8.
    Her turning into a fire breathing dragon, set on scorch.
    Me, grabbing the stapler after wheeling through the air and past the desk, just barely escaping singeing, shooting staples at her eyes with the accuracy of a marks*woman, wondering where you are, and why you’re not here with your shotgun.

    I needed you this morning, and there you go, stapling yourself to your desk so you can tell some lame excuse as to why you didn’t come save me from the dragon lady.

    Thanks! (And I do hope your finger feels better. Go home and soak it in some cold beer.

    yay Tuesdays!

  15. The Guv'ner Says:

    Hey Gnugs!!! Damn, if you’d only given me some advance warning I’d lend you my shotgun willingly. I mean you needn’t think I’m showing up in person with it at such an ungodly hour – I don’t even get UP till 8, damn you. Your boss needs a hurtin’ though, I certainly agree.

    Things to say to female boss in this situation:

    1) Are you having your period?
    2) Did you put on weight?
    3) Who died and made you Queen, chica?

    Or…maybe not.

  16. catherinette Says:

    Here’s the important question: how accurate was the re-enactment of the Battle by the kitties? Did they dress in full costume?

  17. The Guv'ner Says:

    Hmmmm…I don’t think so Miss C…..however there WAS blood. Most of it spilled by me. Little MONSTERS.

    There is no need to be having feline fun at 4am.

  18. CDP Says:

    I’d like to see cats reenacting the Battle of Hastings. Hope your finger is better.

  19. The Guv'ner Says:

    CDP: I’ll FedEx them to you and you can witness this at 4am first hand, ok? You’d be doing me a favour. Really. Take them. Please.

  20. Suze Says:

    Now you’ve made me tired reading about all that you’ve done today. I managed to spill coffee on a pile of invoices that needed to be paid – but that’s about it. Now I feel all incompetent. Sigh.

  21. The Guv'ner Says:

    Ah Suze, people don’t get it. Coffee can only IMPROVE invoices. They’ll still be annoying pieces of crap but they’ll smell good! See? Well done you, making some finance person’s life instantly more rewarding.

  22. Leonesse Says:

    I think the stapler was just rebelling against being forced into working.

  23. Louise Says:

    That does not beat this one kid who stapled his hand to wall. On purpose.

  24. The Guv'ner Says:

    Leo: I kind of know how it feels. I think it should have shown its displeasure by stapling the Uberlord’s nads to the chair or something though instead. I’d have approved of that.

    Louise: That kid has officially made me feel like a GENIUS. šŸ™‚

  25. katrocket Says:

    Wow, I had no idea it was so easy to staple yourself. This could be a new adventure in body art. Like a body “Bedazzler”! People who enjoy tattoos, branding, etching, etc are always looking for the next big thing. I think Stapling is IT!

  26. The Guv'ner Says:

    Yeah, next it will be coloured staples and little rhinestone staples and the next big thing will be stapling your nipples (OUCH!)

    I was actually trying to unjam a trapped staple when I pressed a bit too hard… Never do that. It’s not worth it. If it wasn’t my kickass, navy blue with glittery bits Swingline, I’d have tossed the sucker.

  27. doorknob_dan Says:

    Guv,

    You spelled ‘color’ wrong!

    Also, I’m sure all of us want to know how your poor poor finger is doing today. Did you have to amputate it? Will you still be able to play guitar? Piano? Harp?

  28. anastasia Says:

    I stapled my finger similarly recently. I am sorry, because I know the pain.

  29. The Guv'ner Says:

    Dan: I’m a Brit, we spell things RIGHT. Much like you Canucks. My finger is muy buena thank you. It’s purple and throbbing and tender as a freshly boiled baby, but it’s still able to strum the harp on the cloud I sit on all day by Jesus’s right hand.

  30. The Guv'ner Says:

    Anastasia: THANK YOU! See, I am not the only person to ever do this digit stapling thing! And yes, it DAMN HURTS! Feels like a snake bite! šŸ™‚

  31. Diane Mandy Says:

    “shit load” a proper metric term? Funny I looked it up in my google conversions and the good old English measurement didn’t pop up. Yet ANOTHER metric measurement I don’t understand. Could I get the formula on that?

    ANd no, you are NEVER boring!

  32. doorknob_dan Says:

    Guv,

    Glad to hear your finger isn’t TOO messed up that you can’t strum out the angelic hymns.

    But I’m a little curious – I mean if YOU made it to heaven given your murderous record, what’s hell all about then? Who’s down there?

    Maybe it’s the opposite of the hell in South Park – all the mormons are downstairs with their matching underwear (that will be ratcheted about 1000 PSI too tight, naturally) while the rest of us murderous sinful bastards are sipping on fine wine and eating caviar while stretched out on the ever-so-soft cottony white clouds of heaven?

    You’ve made me question my beliefs, and for that I’ve already retracted my application to reside in Utah. Damn you and your thought-provoking comments.

  33. The Guv'ner Says:

    Diane: Well it’s a recent addition I hear…. I think it goes something like amounts > 100 units of any metric measurement = a shit load. But don’t quote me on it!

    Dan: Thank me later. Heaven is wherever we all are, don’t forget it. šŸ™‚

  34. pistols at dawn Says:

    I’m not surprised you injured yourself with a stapler, but I am surprised you didn’t pay it forward by hurling it at an authority figure’s head.

  35. The Guv'ner Says:

    Well me old chap, I thought I’d make yesterday different from the norm, you see?

  36. So@24 Says:

    Oooh! Staple injuries are always the worst. That can really put a cramp on the rest of the work day.

  37. Leonesse Says:

    Now let’s talk manila folder cuts. Bitches hurt.

  38. The Guv'ner Says:

    Mr. NOW 25: And a cramp in your finger!!! šŸ™‚

    Leo: I manilla folder cut myself at least seventeen times a week. I am going to count next week. All paper cuts. I will make a SPREADSHEET of destruction.

  39. MsPuddin Says:

    damn, that takes skills woman! stapling any part of your own body deserves a standing ovation… ive had a super glue incident, but we wont get into that.

  40. The Guv'ner Says:

    Ms. P. OH YES WE WILL! Super glue you say? I am wincing IMAGINING all the places that could go that it really shouldn’t…

Comments are closed.


%d bloggers like this: