A Psychotic Break

Sorry for the delay in service, but the Guv’ner is busy saving the world one Excel spreadsheet at a time, ladies and genitals!

Yes, today has been declared “Have The Guv’ner Make YOU a Spreadsheet” day, but all orders are now taken so don’t even think of asking and incurring my almighty wrath. I have constructed charts, graphs, calculations and tables for various people and even made one in my head to demonstrate the pain scale involved in the various excruciating torture methods available to me in wreaking my havoc on the asses of these requestors.

I am now on a psychotic break where I am engrossed in constructing a very lifelike scale model of Bill Gates that I can hang in a noose from my light fixture. I haven’t yet decided if I should fill it with candy and incorporate this idea into a sort of Bill Gates torture piňata. Candy and violence, what more could a person want on a cold, Thursday afternoon?

” This is for Excel you speccy butt-pirate!” I’d proclaim loudly, wielding my big stick in my hand and in return for a good, satisfying whack at his geek head, I get a Snickers. I think I like this idea more and more…

In other news, THIS warms my old, psychotic cockles.

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33 Responses to “A Psychotic Break”

  1. BeckEye Says:

    PInatas are so much more fun than voodoo dolls. Why has no one yet thought up a Voodoo Pinata? I think this is a possible business venture for us, Guv. Call me, we’ll do lunch.

  2. doorknob_dan Says:

    I know what *I* want on this cold Thursday afternoon: Friday, 5PM.

    Your intentions of a Bill Gates pinata (yeah, too lazy to find the enya) has my head swimming with ideas. Think you could make me one of Jessica Simpson? I totally feel like smashing her to smithereens today. No reason. I just don’t like her.

  3. The Guv'ner Says:

    Dude, I’m thinking we can retire on this one. We can do customized “SMACK YOUR BOSS UP” pinatas! 🙂 I think we’ve got “tycoon” written all over us, frankly.

  4. The Guv'ner Says:

    Dan: DITTO:) Oh there’s no need to stop with Bill. You can do the designs for Beck and I and we’ll all get rich and retire giving us even MORE time to mess around ONLINE! It’s brilliant!

    Jessica Simpson. What does she DO again? Apart from her dad. (HA!)

  5. doorknob_dan Says:

    Jessica Simpson. What does she DO again? Apart from her dad. (HA!)

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
    MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA

    I think I just shart myself.

    I gotta stop coming here. I don’t want to have to do laundry more than once a year, haha, jeeze.

  6. The Guv'ner Says:

    Dan: You share too much :):) We’re back to beige daisies again are we?

  7. Suze Says:

    I think my weirdo neighbor adopted a goat too. Hmm, funny I don’t see him on any websites. Maybe I just haven’t looked in the right places.

    If you put Hershey Kisses int he Pinata I will help you design a Paris Hilton one. I’d like to take a bash at her for no reason either.

  8. r cubed Says:

    I was getting all full of sympathy anger, ready to take a bat to my coworker (he has nothing to do with spreadsheets but is at least as deserving of a bash to the head just for his overuse of the word “copasetic”) Then I clicked the link to the story. Am now weak with love for baby goat and boxer.
    Great post.

  9. The Guv'ner Says:

    Suze: You are on. I’d gladly bludgeon that scrawny ostrich face with a bat! 🙂 Kisses for you, missy.

    R Cubed: I KNOW! I keep clicking back to it and going “AWWWWWWWWWWWW!” It’s like the Bill Gates antidote. 🙂 I think anyone using words like copasetic need a boot in the groin. Is there something wrong with “acceptable”? Kick him in the nuts and say “So…was that copasetic for ya, Fuckface or should I do it again?”

  10. catherinette Says:

    Someone needs a cocktail and a valium. . .

  11. Diane Mandy Says:

    I’m totally enjoying the post about the dog and the goat–you old softy!

  12. Falwless Says:

    PLEASE ALLOW ME TURN WITH LARGE STICK.

  13. katrocket Says:

    Damn you Guvner for making me love Billy and the Kid. I’ve got business to do, and I’m totally useless if I can’t be an angry bitch.

  14. The Guv'ner Says:

    Catherinette: EVERYONE needs a cocktail and a valium!!! The world would be so much nicer! 🙂

    Diane: Isn’t it sweet! It’s restoring the balance in my world from aggression to melty.

    Falwless: BUT OF COURSE MY PSYCHOTIC TWIN!

    Kat: HEE! My work is done! Come on though. That amount of cute would probably stop global warming! 🙂

  15. WendyB Says:

    I need help with my inventory and bookkeeping, while you’re at it.

  16. Teri Says:

    your “paint” skills are getting better each day. Pretty soon you’ll be a famous artist and forget about your blog friends.

    Oh God, I scared myself by thinking of the future……

  17. Leonesse Says:

    I could use a few pivot tables.

  18. The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: Says:

    What a brilliant idea – the Gates pinata, I mean. There are lots of people I’d like to beat with a stick and to have candy fall out would be so perfect.

    BTW for my 30th my best friend Amy got me a fireman pinata and filled it with lube and condoms.
    So pinatas are not just for kids 😉

  19. The Guv'ner Says:

    Teri: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Hilarious. I can just see some hoity toity gallery full of this “art”. Too funny.

    Wendy: Book keeping is NOT my forte dearest. I keep many books, none of them in the mathematical sense however…

    Leo: You just made me break out in a cold sweat and start chanting murderous things.

    Lady: I have heard of such pinatas!!! They seem useful but defeating the point of a pinata which for me is beat the hell out of something and get a sugary reward. Although with a little stretch of the imagination it could work…

  20. mindy Says:

    Oh my god I love goats so much! And dogs. This is like the perfect story!!

  21. The Guv'ner Says:

    Mindy: I know, the cute is just overwhelming. That is the cutest goat I ever saw! All white and fluffy. Aw I melted again.

  22. Baroness von Bloggenschtern Says:

    Guv: Dogs and goats – pretty adorable. But the sidebar story about Mark Lester and his nightmare marriage? Priceless. Who’d a thought that little Oliver would be in such a pile of it as an adult? Must have been the Artful Dodger. That guy was such a gangsta…

  23. The Guv'ner Says:

    Baroness: I hadn’t but after you mentioned it I had to go and do it! Too funny. I tend to believe the woman more than him. Ex child stars are fucked up. Plus all his credibility left with the Michael Jackson stuff. I liked this line:

    But Jane claims that even before they wed, cracks were beginning to show in their marriage.

    It makes NO SENSE. How can there be cracks in your marriage before you’re even married? TSK!

  24. pistols at dawn Says:

    Perhaps this is wrong, but watching a picture of you hit a man in the balls is turning me on.

  25. The Guv'ner Says:

    I get a similar sensation from the idea of hitting men in the balls. Of course most women do. 🙂

    You’re just a sicko, however.

  26. melpomeneandthalia Says:

    hmm… a Valium cocktail. YUM!

    And yes, P@D’s a sicko. He just rolls that way.

  27. The Guv'ner Says:

    Gnugs: I know. That’s why I like him. If things get too highbrow I can rely on him to lower everything back to “offensive”.

  28. Baroness von Bloggenschtern Says:

    Re: our previous conversation about men in kilts, have you taken a gander at this?

    http://perezhilton.com/2008-03-04-just-because-10

    That’s what I’m talkin’ about, baby!Ba-ring it, Obe Wan…

  29. The Guv'ner Says:

    Baroness: Much as it is against my religion to look at anything Perez Hilton does, I did look. Ewan can rock a kilt. The trick is you can’t be too large or too scrawny, you need a good, in between balance of beefiness. 🙂 I want to see Clive Owen in a kilt although why he ever would be is beyond me.

  30. Ms. Laaw-yuhr Says:

    It’s all fun and games until Billy eats Lilly. But for now, it’s too cute.

    Also, love the bit about Jessica Simpson doing her dad. It’s weird how their relationship seems incestuous and yet Daddy Simpson also seems gay to me. Something’s definitely amiss in that household.

  31. The Guv'ner Says:

    Miss L: Agreed on all counts! Well except Billy and Lilly you beeyotch. Somethign that cute cannot be sullied and I will ignore that part.

    Her dad reminds me of a gay Gary Busey….

  32. Baroness von Bloggenschtern Says:

    Guv,how you paint a pretty picture, one that will keep me floating 2″ above the mortal earth today – Clive Owen.
    Stubbly Face. Blue eyes. Kilt. I’m sure there’s an Owen clan somewhere?

  33. The Guv'ner Says:

    oh undoubtedly BvB! ROWR! Aren’t his eyes green though? I mean NOT that I have a shrine in the basement or anything like that…That would be wrong. I mean I don’t HAVE a basement. That fake door in the closet oh that’s nothing. Ahem.

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