The Guv’ner Gives You An (Anti) Climax

If you want my body
And you think I’m sexy
Come on sugar let me know!

Eff you Rod Stewart, you short, pointy-haired man whore. Get out of my head. I’m letting you know right here, right now, that sexy is not on any list of adjectives or phrases I’d ever use to describe you. “Decrepit” is on that list. So is “tangerine, wrinkled sperm vessel” and “uber annoying ass monkey” but “sexy” not so much. Take your “Hot Legs” and shove them up your tiny, leather-clad ass.

And you’re not Scottish either, so quit sullying our good name.


That is the end of this public service announcement.

So…before Rod Stewart burned his incessant, poppy nastiness deep into my brain, earlier this afternoon, I was sitting at work, twiddling my thumbs, basking in the warmth of certain Uberlords being overseas again and having nothing to do but cause lots of trouble, when I heard this sound coming from the elusive corner office. I may have mentioned this office before – it’s like a black hole in the middle of office land. It’s also about two doors from my office. Stuff happens in that office but no one seems to know what or who is responsible for said happenings. In the past I have heard clucking like a chicken emanating from that particular room and even singing, but the door is always closed. It’s my theory that the CIA use it for clandestine beatings and top secret classified experiments. Possibly involving the ghost of Bing Crosby.

Today, while passing it en route to the fax machine, I heard…well…sounds. From behind that door. Sounds of, how can I put this delicately…ladies who enjoy being filmed having foreign objects inserted in their various orifices by oiled up men with mullets, mustaches and the IQ of a fishtank. Or at least that’s what I’ve heard.

I bent down to tie my shoe so I could listen some more to see if I was really hearing what I was hearing when suddenly the door opened and two geezers in suits walked out, carrying a waste paper basket.

In case you’re wondering right about now what the exciting end to this story is, can I just say, don’t get your hopes set too high. The geezers took that waste basket and headed for the elevators and that’s the last I saw of them.

I like to think that waste paper basket contained proof of extra terrestrial life or the launch codes for all the U.S.’s nuclear weapons or something secret and important like that and don’t want to consider it might contain soggy Kleenex and the stench of old man desperation.

So, if anyone has any idea what any of this is about, please tell me.

Now back to your regularly scheduled program…

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27 Responses to “The Guv’ner Gives You An (Anti) Climax”

  1. WendyB Says:

    Oh, how we all loved that song when it came out. I remember watching him perform it on TV and we DID think he was sexy!

  2. The Guv'ner Says:

    Wendy…no. No you did not. Your memory is failing you. You thought “What a frosty haired, short legged troll-man”. You are merely confused. Yes? Yes.

  3. WendyB Says:

    No…no….I remember it clearly, we especially liked the leggings. Hmmm. Does that explain my continuing interest in skin-tight legwear?

  4. Falwless Says:

    This post has it all. Aging pop stars, Bing Crosby, porn, the CIA. I climaxed.

  5. katrocket Says:

    Is this sexy enough for ya?

    I’m a little disappointed you didn’t confront the geezer suits. Something like: “Hi! I heard a lot of crazy porn noises in there. Feeling better? Everything cool?”

  6. doorknob_dan Says:

    It’s the Porn Division of the company!

    I bet there’s good money in that! (I’m not saying this to mislead people into thinking I don’t actually know. Really.)

  7. The Guv'ner Says:

    WB: Now you mention it, everything suddenly becomes clear!!! 🙂 The latex leggings. That private wardrobe filled with leopard skin jackets, you keep behind a secret partition.

    Falwless: I fail to see how it can be topped, you are correct. Now to get into that room and discover that, contrary to what the X-Files would have had us believe, the truth is actually…IN THERE. Gasp!

    Kat: OMG. I take it back completely. Now THAT is what I call SEXY :):) Thanks SO MUCH.

    I would’ve tackled them but they looked greasy. Like they’d have slipped right out of my grip. It’s all that Astroglide… What? You didn’t mean physically? Oops.

    Dan: I know you are a pillion of upright, chaste society, don’t you worry. That chastity belt must chafe a little though, no? Especially in the summer.

  8. mindy Says:

    Well that was an upsetting story.

    As for Rod Stewart, when I was a kid I HATED him. So much. I don’t know why (yes I do), but I did. Anyway, my parents didn’t feel quite the same about Rod as I did, so I would hide his CDs from them and put a sign on the CD player that said “ROD STEWART” and it had a circle around it with a big line through it. NO ROD STEWART HERE! I don’t think my parents thought I was as funny as I did. They rarely did…

  9. The Guv'ner Says:

    Hahaha Mindy. At least you were working for the cause early on. I like that! The man is a scary, spiky, tiny, scrawny abomination with chicken legs. Hot legs? NO FREAKING WAY. He should be banned.

  10. Gnugs Says:

    I’ve never seen a man come so close to looking like the clown from “IT.” I thank you for ruining my sleep. But on a happier note, you should put up a “charge for discharge” box in that office. Who knows. Dirty only trash loving men might just drop you a fifty.

  11. CDP Says:

    “pointy-haired man whore”. tee hee hee. Is it official that he isn’t Scottish, or are you simply banishing him?

  12. Baroness von Bloggenschtern Says:

    Ach, ya wee tease! whist yur yap! You with your mystery ending. I think you know exactly what’s going down with the suits and the dustbin…

    And, I don’t know if this is a deal breaker, but I did go see the leopard-skin-clad Rod 2.0 in the late 70’s. I swear, it was only for the kitsch factor. And now I agree with you, the man’s a whore. How could some gel-laden drunken buffoon win the hearts of grannies everywhere with his “American Songbook”? More proof that the general population is whacked, and perhaps zombies. Except me.

    And, ok, you.

  13. BeckEye Says:

    Believe me, I’d rather have “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy” on a never ending loop in my head than never ending thoughts of old men spooging into Kleenex in the copy room.

    Fittingly enough, my word verification word is “iiyow.”

  14. Suze Says:

    No, I don’t know what that was about. I’m the last to know everything.

  15. doorknob_dan Says:

    Beckeye,

    How about thoughts of Phil Collins spooging…anywhere.

    ?

  16. The Guv'ner Says:

    Gnugs: Damn you rule. An idea and a money making one at that. When do I start? First I need to get into that damn room. Although it might be squelchy… Ew.

    CDP: Well I banish him. And he was born in India. And has an English accent. I mean aren’t these three reasons enough? How many do I need? He’s an undesirable little douche, there’s four.

    Baroness: Dude… How he bags perfectly reasonable, tall leggy blondes looking like a tiny toad-troll-man is totally beyond me. I guess when your wallet is bigger than your whole body it’s easy, huh? Plus did he swallow sandpaper? Why does he sing like that?

    Beck: I think given that choice I’d pick “Please sandpaper my nipples off.” It would probably occur in that room…

    Suze: You and me both. I think it’s deliberate. But we’ll find out don’t you fret. We’ll show them all. Yup.

    Beck: Don’t mind Dan. That’s just a recurring fantasy of his. Just back away slowly.

  17. pistols at dawn Says:

    Did he take a nap immediately afterwards?

  18. The Guv'ner Says:

    Who…ROD STEWART?!?!? You dirty beast.

  19. minijonb Says:

    I once was forced to sing “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy” for karaoke… it was painful.

  20. The Guv'ner Says:

    I’d rather watch YOUR version than pointy head’s. In fact I think you should re-do it, record it, and YouTube it. Yes Sir. You know you want to.

  21. gizmorox Says:

    My mother’s favorite story to tell about my cousin the miserable c*@! is that at Thanksgiving, when she was four, some of the family was talking about Rod Stewart and she said “Is that the guy that looks like a chicken?”

    It’s the only intelligent thing I have record of her ever saying.

  22. The Guv'ner Says:

    See it’s such a foregone conclusion that even retarded miserable idiots know that the man is a douche. :):) Or a chicken. Bock bock!

  23. Diane Mandy Says:

    There isn’t a copier machine in there? Is there?

  24. The Guv'ner Says:

    Diane: If I ever get in there I’ll let you know! It wouldn’t surprise me if there was a brain-reading machine in there. Freaky room. I think it’s possibly a portal to other universes…

  25. BeckEye Says:

    Dan, thanks for the afternoon dry heave!

  26. Leonesse Says:

    Eww.

  27. The Guv'ner Says:

    Leo: I hope that referred to Rod Stewart and not me. Because there will be trouble otherwise.

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