Nostalgia is Bittersweet (Revenge is Better)

Well.

It seems like I haven’t been altogether honest with you people. In fact, my disdain the other day for the pointy one known as Rodney Stewart was merely to mask my humiliation at the love of my life breaking up with me. But I think I’m over it now. To prove it here’s a picture my dear friend Mr. Doorknob “I Want to Be Marilyn Monroe” Dan kindly sent me to remind me of better times with my darling Rod. Gosh, look at my charming man-hands. My full arm tattoo. My giant long body. My cute, sexy chapeau. The elastic of my pantaloons does indeed say “Deep Balls” thanks for noticing. Rod found that charming, I hope you do too. I left my boobs at home that day, they didn’t go with the outfit.


Thank you Dan. God bless you, motherfucker.

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38 Responses to “Nostalgia is Bittersweet (Revenge is Better)”

  1. doorknob_dan Says:

    I’m always the one taking the photos. Never in them. That makes me feel a bit sad, like I wish Rod Stewart had his hands around MY manly, lithe waist.

    It’s okay Guv, everyone goes through love and loss. We’re here for you. (To make fun of you.)

  2. The Guv'ner Says:

    Gosh, your sincerity is just…overwhelmingly touching. Really.

  3. pistols at dawn Says:

    That is very hot. I didn’t realize you were so tatted up, you hooligan.

  4. The Guv'ner Says:

    Dude, that makes two of us. I hadn’t even noticed that arm long thing all the way down to my giant man hands. I thought my hands were dainty till I saw this. It’s been an eye opener. It’s like facing the cold hard truth about yourself.

  5. doorknob_dan Says:

    I still think you’re sexy. Man hands make for great massages.

  6. The Guv'ner Says:

    Well I assume you’re the voice of experience on this so I have no comment. 🙂

  7. CDP Says:

    “God bless you, motherfucker”. That is why I love you, you crazy Scot. (but pull up your Marky Mark pants, for God’s sake)

  8. mindy Says:

    How many emails have you gotten requesting your hand in marriage since posting this? My guess: ONE MILLION.

    Hot.

  9. The Guv'ner Says:

    Mindy: I know, I’m so hot. It’s the “Deep Balls” elastic band on my underwears and giant, long man body! I know you want me but you have to join the line. It forms over there. And round the block. Thank you! 🙂

    Cdp: You sound like my mum. Can’t a girl make a fashion statement without being told to pull up her nasties? You don’t like seeing my “Deep Balls” is that it? Hmmm?

  10. katrocket Says:

    Hawt! Rod never deserved you. I would totally let you stick the tip in.

  11. The Guv'ner Says:

    Thanks Kat but I’m sorry. My peener is reserved only for Rod (my little “Deep Balls”). If he can’t have it, no one can.

  12. doorknob_dan Says:

    Some guys have all the fun. Me, I do nothing but complain.

  13. Red Says:

    Your man hands are freaking me out.

  14. So@24 Says:

    You forgot to mention the “balls deep” gem

  15. The Guv'ner Says:

    Dan: I don’t think I’m talking to you anymore, meanie.

    Red: I am saving up for the surgery but the penis removal has to come first. I can’t feel like a lady when I have a peener.

    So: Sorry, it must have slipped my mind. DEEP BALLS. 🙂 One must milk such a gem.

  16. BeckEye Says:

    You are one muthafuckin’ brick house, lady.

  17. The Guv'ner Says:

    Beck: I know!!! My upper torso must be five feet long! And apparently my weener is enormous!

  18. Diane Mandy Says:

    HAHAHAHA! You (and Dan) crack me up!

  19. Louise Says:

    Your body is long and thick like a sea slug and your eyes are the color of squashed dragonfly wings. How do you walk to work each day without getting multiple marriage proposals?

  20. doorknob_dan Says:

    You know hose real body that was? Tomme Lee (not of the ‘Jones’ variety, just Tommy Lee).

    That guy is one Godawful anaconda.

  21. doorknob_dan Says:

    I meant ‘whose’, not ‘hose’, but you can see why I made that Freudian slip.

  22. Suze Says:

    Before I read further I thought:

    1. Damn, she’s flat chested
    2. Damn, she’s got a big tattoo
    3. Eww, she’s with Rod.

    Then I read further. Sorry for temporarily judging my friend!

  23. The Guv'ner Says:

    Louise: That is the beauty that is me. My long, thick, manly torso is a man magnet.

    Suze: Haha, shut UP. That was taken the night Rod and I first made sweet love. 🙂

  24. The Guv'ner Says:

    Diane: It’s a slow week, what can I say! He has the talent, I’m just evil.

  25. doorknob_dan Says:

    Are you saying that I’m not evil?

    Tsk, you know me better.

  26. The Guv'ner Says:

    I think your evil’s well documented. So the FBI say anyway. And the Mounties. And they ALWAYS get their man.

  27. Leonesse Says:

    Grandma, what big HANDS you have…

  28. The Guv'ner Says:

    Well you know what they say honey, big hands, big….APPETITE!

  29. ~:*:*:Pixie:*:*:~ Says:

    I am frightened.

  30. The Guv'ner Says:

    Pix: I can’t say I blame you there… It’s giving me nightmares.

  31. Falwless Says:

    Dan, I must say this photoshopping was trés fabulous. That looks so real! Wait a second. Is the whole “Dan photoshopped this” just a cover?????

    I’M ON TO YOU, GUV. YOU TOTALLY DATED HIM!

  32. The Guv'ner Says:

    Falwless: Damn you beeyotch. I almost got away with letting everyone believe that was merely the product of evil photoshopping. It’s true, Rod and I did have an elicit, torrid affair. I couldn’t keep my hands off his tiny leathery frame and pointy head. YUM!

    Threw up in my mouth again.

  33. doorknob_dan Says:

    Falwless:
    I don’t even exist actually. I’m just another creation of The Guv’ner.

    Regards,
    Personality #241

  34. The Guv'ner Says:

    I’m not sure even MY warped brain could have come up with YOU!

  35. The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: Says:

    This is either on of the best damn photo shop jobs I have EVER seen, or darling you urgently need a manicure.

  36. The Guv'ner Says:

    Damn you found me out. I actually have the exact same body as Tommy Lee. I thought my secret was safe. Curse you Lady.

  37. Anonymous Says:

    Why is Rod Stewart hugging Tommy Lee like that?

  38. The Guv'ner Says:

    Anon: There are so many possible answers to this I couldn’t say. None of them are at all pleasant!

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