Can You Hear Me Now?

The Überlord comes into my office today and says, “Did you get me those urgent available dates from the London crew for the follow-up meeting next week?”

I looked at him the way a cat regards a bug, scurrying around on the floor before going in for the kill.

“Dates?” I asked him, cautiously. I hate when someone asks about something that immediately rings no bells, except for alarm bells signifying that I might have dropped the ball.

“London crew? Follow up Meeting? Que?”

He looked anxious. “The dates I asked about yesterday!” he said. “I sent an email to the crew for dates and said you’d follow up with them about it today? It’s urgent. I need to know today.”

Oh. I get it. I know exactly what he is talking about now. He is talking about my psychic abilities again.

“Did you happen to…you know…cc me on that email?” I inquired, knowing full well the answer.

He frowned. “I don’t think so…” he said. “I think I just sent it to the London team.”

I tried to think of words in response that weren’t illegal in some parts of the world.

“I can’t actually see those emails unless you send them to me…” I said, sporting a fixed smile that I like to call “My Donnie Darko”. “Therefore, I was unaware you wanted me to do anything. Therefore, I do not have the dates you are requesting.” This is pretty much verbatim of what I said.

What I was THINKING, however, was, “For the love of all that is good, Fucknuts, do I look like Miss Fucking Cleo to you? For the 300th time, I DO NOT READ MINDS.”

Later in the morning, he asked me about his travel plans for the week of the 24th, provoking the slightly alarmed response, “Travel plans? You’re going somewhere that week?” He then looked at his feet and admitted he was indeed going back to Europe but had neglected to mention it to me – the person who makes his travel arrangements.

Yup.

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42 Responses to “Can You Hear Me Now?”

  1. doorknob_dan Says:

    Hahaha, the stupid bastard – if only he’d have eaten more plutonium in his cereal as a child he could have sent you the messages telepathically.

  2. So@24 Says:

    CCing on emails is fucking crucial.

    wtf are these people thinking sometimes?

  3. The Guv'ner Says:

    DD: Heh, you’re like DURAN DURAN! Ahem…yes. He should’ve done that. Then maybe he’d shine so bright I could see him coming and hide under the desk.

    So: I think the answer there is: They’re not! 🙂

  4. Gnugs Says:

    I LOVE it when certain members of my department do this to me, and then make it out to be all my fault. Actually, I’m screaming in rage on the inside, while simply blinking owlishly at them on the outside. The best times are when they do it over department wide e-mail. I can then do ‘three year old’ logic on their stupid a$$es–bulleted for easy reading, of course–for the entire staff to read and laugh at. Priceless. Stupid, but priceless.

  5. The Guv'ner Says:

    Gnugs: I think they all do it. I think they are so far up their own asses they just can’t fathom that just because they know something, other people can’t tap into their ginormous brain. Which, if you ask me, is a blessing. That might drive me mad, if I could witness the wasteland that is the inside of his head.

  6. CDP Says:

    I’m quite sure I worked for the Dark Uberlord at some point.

    BTW, I just tagged you!

  7. The Guv'ner Says:

    OOOH! Tagged. I feel…special. Special NEEDS mainly. Special Ed definitely. 🙂

    Everyone has worked for a dildo like the Uberlord.

  8. trigimper Says:

    I suggest one of two things, give him a gun with two bullets, as he is bound to miss his head on the first attempt.

    Or the next time he asks something ridiculous, just sing the Ying Tong Song….complete with all the voices..

  9. MsPuddin Says:

    omigod guv! how could you not know that! honestly, we I expect you to know something, you should know it!

  10. Suze Says:

    You have the best temperment. I would’ve hauled off and slugged him already!!!

  11. katrocket Says:

    hey! I totally blogged about mind-reading today, but I forgot to CC you on it. Sorry.

  12. Laughing through my chardonnay Says:

    “Call me now! Call Miss Cleo!”

    I had clients like this, they drove me bat-shit crazy.

  13. Leonesse Says:

    Egads I hate, hate, hate that mind reading crap. I secretly loved it when I resent the email telling them to be at a meeting and they would tell my boss they didn’t get it.

  14. Falwless Says:

    I would pour bleach in my eyes and hang myself with my scarf by the hook on the back of the office door if I had to work with the DÜ. That’s saying a lot, too. Scarves aren’t really my style.

  15. The Guv'ner Says:

    Tri: Damn YOU for mentioning that Ying Tong song. I swear, if that is rattling around in my head when I’m trying to sleep I will hunt you down.

    Ms. P! I know. I am really sorry. I am enrolling in psychic school tomorrow. I am so ashamed.

    Suze: No I have good self-control. I would have loved to cut off his balls and stuffed them up his nose. But that would mean touching them and….no.

    Kat: You utter bitch. I can no longer be your friend.

    Chard: Whenever I think of Miss Cleo I get the urge to call people “mon”.

    Leo: Uberlord gives me lists of names to send emails to and several always come back. That always delights me. That he fucked up the list.

    Fal: Admit it. You’d totally buy a nice lady scarf JUST so you could do that. I applaud that because so would I. And they’re so not my style either!

  16. WendyB Says:

    It would be awesome if you looked like Miss Cleo. Bitch had style!

  17. The Guv'ner Says:

    Yes you’d love me in dreads, a head scarf and her uh..bohemian flowy dresses. Miss Cleo knew her fashion shit. I know you took your own inspiration from her Miss Wendy B.

  18. Teri Says:

    Can we kill him?

    Would a slow, painful death be too inhumane?

  19. The Guv'ner Says:

    Teri: Are you mental? BRING IT ON!

  20. Chris Says:

    Heh.

  21. Diane Mandy Says:

    Reading his mind…you mean that wasn’t in your job description? Guess that falls under the “other duties as assigned” category.

  22. The Guv'ner Says:

    Chris: EXACTLY!

    Diane: If I COULD read his mind, I’d be in need of a huge raise. Those skills don’t come cheap, you know?

  23. pistols at dawn Says:

    Wow. This is just more proof that I’ll never have a high-paying job anywhere, isn’t it?

    How will I ever know what a $4,300 whore is like now?

  24. The Guv'ner Says:

    Hahahahaha!!! You’ll just have to go with the nasty $10 hooker and a lot of bleach! 🙂

  25. BeckEye Says:

    Oh, it’s all so hauntingly familiar.

    I love when my boss asks me if I’ve done something and if I take more than a nanosecond to answer him, he starts blathering on loudly as if I’ve dropped the ball, instead of just giving me an actual millisecond to process what he just said to me and give him an answer. Provided, of course, I know what he’s talking about because, like you, I’m usually the last to know about important things that I’m responsible for.

  26. The Guv'ner Says:

    Beck: Yep that is my life alright. He isn’t a great verbal communicator so he’ll ask for something in totally different terms than we originally used and I’ll be stumped for a moment till I figure out what he means. This translates as “She hasn’t done it.”

    Usually it’s flight plans that get me. He’ll ask about flights for a certain trip and as he travels constantly I don’t know instantly what those plans are because I’ve booked 6 flights that day or whatever and they’re all mixed up in my head so I need to look it up. He thinks this means I don’t know what’s going on. It’s too tiring to explain to him.

  27. Teri Says:

    what are his responses when you mention the need to be cc’d?

  28. The Guv'ner Says:

    Teri: Well he mutters a bit then agrees this is a good idea but SOMEHOW manages to make this seem condescending like he thought of it and the fact I wasn’t already BEING cc’d is somehow my fault. I mean DUH. 🙂

  29. ClaireBoe Says:

    You had better find a different job before you have a bleedin’ heart attack, woman…or commit homicide. This man is truly clueless!!!!

  30. The Idea Of Progress Says:

    You should use your psychic powers to set him on fire.

  31. The Guv'ner Says:

    Claire: Believe me, I have toyed with the homicide idea but until my order of concrete arrives to make him some concrete slippers so I can throw him in the harbor (hey it’s good enough for the mob!) I will have to find other ways to get him out of my system.

    Mr. Progress: If I had those kind of powers there’d be no end to the mayhem I’d inflict!

  32. Teri Says:

    maybe you have such a thick Scottish accent that he feels he can’t communicate with you?

  33. Teri Says:

    I post once but it always comes up twice, WHY? it makes me feel like I’m stuttering…..

  34. doorknob_dan Says:

    Teri,

    It’s because you’re double awesome. Or you’re clicking ‘publish’ more than once. 🙂

  35. The Guv'ner Says:

    Teri: Maybe it’s because you’re RETARDED??? :):)

    Yeah my accent is there but it’s quite understandable. I mean I don’t sound like Groundskeeper Willie or anything.

    I kinda LOOK like him however…

  36. Teri Says:

    Dan, that’s the problem, I’ve only been clicking once but it keeps coming back saying I’ve typed the word ver wrong. grrrrr

    Guv, AND I’m not retarded just a little brain challenged.

  37. doorknob_dan Says:

    I bet The Guv sounds like Scrooge McDuck.

  38. The Guv'ner Says:

    Dan: The only sound you will hear from me is the one my hatchet makes when it connects with your skull. HA! You sir, may bite me.

  39. minijonb Says:

    i think you should get him added to a few bcc: spam lists.

  40. The Guv'ner Says:

    Haha yeah! I did that to my ex boss who was a million times worse than the Uberlord. He received a lot of gay porn in particular because that would be guaranteed to throw him into a state of utter terror. I only wish I could’ve been there to see him open it.

  41. odalisques Says:

    Why why why do they do that? The prancer has been doing that to me for the last couple of weeks around one trip, and reprimanding me for the fact that he scheduled his Mexican vacation to end the day he has to fly back across the atlantic to this event. This is my fault, of course…

    Send me the URL for cement shoes? I’d sign his work address (which is my job to read and sort) up for porn mailings, but he’s done that himself already…sigh.

  42. The Guv'ner Says:

    Odalisques: Quite honestly, the only reason I can see for any of them is: They are all Douchebags of the Highest Order. This sort of thing happens to me all the time.

    “So basically you specified you want to fly ‘around 3pm’ then back ‘around 9pm’ then you freak out when I get a 3:15 flight because you’d rather go at 6?” EFF OFF.

    I think they take classes in being obtuse. When they say they’re at some ultra important managers meeting? It’s a class for douchebaggery!

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