Crappy Saint Pat’s

Since most of the world likes to get all up in my business on a regular basis, I expect it is just sitting back, waiting for a moment to spring forth, big kazoo in hand, and wish me a happy St. Patrick’s Day while spilling Guinness all over my t-shirt.

You see, every year at work, some over smiley entity will corner me in the elevator, slap me on the back with a knowing wink and say “I bet you’re excited, huh! St. Patrick’s Day? I bet you’ll be celebrating tonight?” and every year I clear my throat and yell, “For the last fucking time, Dialtone, I AM NOT IRISH!”

Ah yes, tradition, you have to love it. Scotland….Ireland. Two different countries with different accents and an entire sea between them, yet no one can ever tell the difference.

We Scots have Saint Andrew. Sure he’s more the “Eat haggis, wear a kilt and dance the Gay Gordons.” kindly uncle kind of guy, who wants to bounce you on his knee after a few drams of Glenfiddoch and less of a “Drink yourself into a coma or until you keel over and die!” type of saint, but he has his place. He likes a “wee dram” of malt whisky and he might flash his twig and berries during a particularly exuberant waltz, but he’s mainly composed. Unlike St. Paddy and his followers.

I’ll tell you one thing though. Not even the real Irish in Ireland celebrate St. Patrick’s Day like you drunken American types and for that I’m sure they’re eternally thankful. Every year I dodge that damn parade full of patriotic people who’ve never actually set foot in Ireland and who couldn’t find it on a map, dressed head to toe in kelly green and liquored up to the eyeballs, screeching and making giant asses of themselves. Every year I’m walking home, down Fifth Avenue and get cornered by some rubberized, uncoordinated office minion in a disheveled suit and a ridiculous, huge green hat the IRA probably once used as a safe house – a hat that would make even a leprechaun look sane – informing me it is my duty to kiss him in the name of St. Patrick. No, minion, it is not. The Guv’ner protests!

from some wannabe Irish twat’s FlickR page

I think the moral of this post is, I hate St. Patrick’s Day. Bah humbug. That would be all.


52 Responses to “Crappy Saint Pat’s”

  1. CDP Says:

    I’ll have my husband read this, and he’ll say “yeah, sister, cry me a river…try being Korean and having people ask you if you’ve been back to Saigon lately”.

    I’m sure you’ve heard it, but in case you haven’t, this might come in handy:

    What’s green, 10 miles long, and has an asshole every 5 feet?

    The St. Patrick’s Day Parade

    You’re welcome! (Been back to Dublin lately, lassie?)

  2. doorknob_dan Says:

    You may try and fool everyone with your anti-St. Patty’s rant, but we know the truth: you’re wearing green today and will get excused from work to go out and dance around in the parade with a big puffy leprechaun hat, spilling green beer down all over your face.

    You kill me with your denial!

    Oh, and Happy St. Patty’s day, Guv O’Ner (CLEARLY Irish)!

  3. The Guv'ner Says:

    CDP: Hahaha. Your poor husband. “Hey where can I get good Chinese round here!” I bet he loves it. πŸ™‚ Thanks for the joke, I aim to use it on my walk home this evening with a huge “Fuck you” grin on my face.

    I flew over Ireland in December does that count? I’ve never even BEEN to Ireland.

    Danny Boy the pipes, the pipes are calling: FOCK YOU MISTER.:) I’m sending my magic Leprechaun (Seamus) to come teach you a few things about manners.

  4. Teri Says:

    Typical ignorant folks who think all countries are the same.

    And you are correct to say that we Americans are the only losers who celebrate St. Patty’s Day in a drunken stupor. I don’t even think the Irish bat an eye on this day, just another day to them.

    I know the difference between the Scottish and the Irish, Guv. We’re like neighbors, you and I.

    Now drink up!

  5. Falwless Says:

    Wait a second. Ireland and Scotland are two different places? WTF?!?

  6. The Guv'ner Says:

    Teri: Well Scots and Irish people know the difference – we all secretly get together, have a pint and laugh at everyone else. πŸ™‚ Well except you of course. We like YOU!

    Fal: Want to know the Scots Gaelic for “BITE ME BEEYOTCH?” πŸ™‚

  7. catherinette Says:

    Guv, stop playing these little games with us. We all know that Scotland and Ireland are the same place. It’s just like Paris Hilton and a bus station skank. The freaking same.

    BTW: Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

  8. The Guv'ner Says:

    Oh missy, you are treading a dangerous line there with your cute Mexican Irish lovliness.

    I WILL NOT BE IRISHAFIED. I like my beer NON green and I have a sword under MY kilt.

  9. BeckEye Says:

    Well, I can tell the difference between Irish and Scottish. But I would sleep with men from either country. I’m not discriminatory.

    I do love the parades and the drinking and all of that stuff that goes along with St. Pat’s Day. I used to go to this authentic Irish pub (had nothing to do with the enormous crush I had on the authentic Irish asshole bartender) and they taught me all about how the “real Irish” celebrate without all the flashy green, etc. But they do still get completely shitfaced. Of course, they do that pretty much every day of the year. They also taught me the wonderful words “gobshite” and “pogue mahone,” which I had previously just thought was a Pogues album title.

    I will get to Ireland one of these days. And I will NOT kiss the Blarney Stone. Another thing the pub-dwellers taught me was that the locals like to piss on it.

  10. BeckEye Says:

    By the way, I came to work today with my favorite sweatshirt on – from my old college bar, The Coney. Name/harp logo on the front left boob area, big ol’ shamrock on the back. Oh, and I’m wearing shamrock socks but no one can see them. And now I’m trying to figure out if I have time to leave here and head up to 86th street to catch the end of the parade. I just love those Shriners.

  11. The Guv'ner Says:

    Beck: Hahahahaha! Yeah they’re a drunken bunch every day of the year. The Pogues were called Pogue Mahone in the beginning till the BBC said they weren’t going to play the record anymore. πŸ™‚ I have the Pogue Mahone version of their first single.

    Gobshite is a word we Scots also use. It’s a great word and very appropriate. A great retort to someone being an ass is, “Away an’ shite” which works in Ireland and Scotland equally well.

  12. doorknob_dan Says:

    You Scots have such a weird language. Where can someone learn it? Are there college courses for it?

  13. The Guv'ner Says:

    Dan: Sure there are. Come along. The class is taking place AT THE END OF MY BOOT.

  14. Louise Says:

    Recently, I heard the euphemism “Scottish sausage” The person who said it said it in a completely non-Scottish accent, which made it funnier. Bwaha. Just thought I’d share.

  15. pistols at dawn Says:

    You should really have asked before posting that picture of me.

    Also, I spilled the Guinness on you to better check out your sweater puppies. It was a compliment.

    Also, I’d like to steal your pot of gold. That can be a crude sexual reference if you don’t actually have a pot of gold.

  16. The Guv'ner Says:

    Louise: Hahaha. Um….what was it a euphemism for, I really can’t BEGIN to guess. OK, maybe I can. And EW! πŸ™‚

  17. The Guv'ner Says:

    Peestola: St. Pat’s Day – Making young men everywhere, frisky.

    It’s too bad you ran off right away, cos I totally took that sweater off 20 seconds later to air out the ammunition. No pot of gold for YOU young man.

  18. Winter Says:


  19. Chris Says:

    Yeah, my beloved Alpine Snowflake of a wife gets it a lot, too… “Oh, you’re from Australia? How cool!”

    “No, I’m from Austria. You know, The Sound of Music. Yodeling. Alps. Austria.”

    “That’s so neat! Hey, do you put saddles on the kangaroos when you ride them?”

  20. The Guv'ner Says:

    Winter: You are delirious, girl! πŸ™‚

    Chris: Or if it’s not Austria people no doubt think the lovely Dagmar is German!? People are funny. But they sure sound purty when I hit them with my cleaver.

  21. DanjerusKurves Says:

    Years ago I used to get “Are you Australian or English?” … nowadays it’s “Are you from London or Liverpool?” “Kent, actually.” “Oh, right . . . where’s that?”

  22. The Guv'ner Says:

    Hahahaha! Kent? People’s brains will explode trying to figure out if that’s in England or Mongolia somewhere.

    I had a kick ass night in Dover once that involved cold egg sandwiches, beer, two missed ferries and a policeman. That’s as detailed as I get.

  23. Suze's Sass Says:

    So you’re saying don’t wear the big green hat tonight?

  24. The Guv'ner Says:

    Suze: That is a great, big, fat AFFIRMATIVE. I saw about ten of them between the subway and my apartment though. I might light a torch and go out hunting those people later.

  25. Baroness von Bloggenschtern Says:

    So, all it takes is some obnoxious, beer-fuelled holiday to make it come out. Guv, you’re a greenist. Or is that a blarney-ist? Sheleighly-ist?

    Whatever it is, I’m afraid I’m going to have to limit any future interaction to either your blog site or mine. I can’t have anyone knowing your, er, beliefs.

    Erin go (put on a) bragh. πŸ˜‰

  26. trigimper Says:

    I gave up saying Lincolnshire when asked where I am from and just say Nottingham, heck 40 miles is close enough and its a place they’ve heard of so it will do.

    Amen on St Patrick’s Day though, hell they can’t even play the right pipes…

    ..hint, those are Scottish Bagpipes, rather than Irish Pipes πŸ˜‰

  27. doorknob_dan Says:

    Say, what’s up with ‘Edinburgh’ being pronounced ‘Edinborough’?

    This needs to be resolved. Since Scotland = Ireland.

  28. The Guv'ner Says:

    Edinburgh is actually pronounced “KISSMYASS”.

  29. The Guv'ner Says:

    Tri: The Irish like their pan flutes and gay squeaky instruments. Real men play bagpipes. And real women hide under the bed to avoid deafness.

  30. trigimper Says:

    A gentleman is someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but does not do so in public.

  31. doorknob_dan Says:


    You guys are going to piss off curlers. Trust me, you do NOT want that.

  32. The Guv'ner Says:

    Tri: AMEN to that!

    Dan: What the eff to bagpipes have to do with Curlers????? Explain immediately! Do they sweep the ice to the sound of the pipes? Because that is very, very wrong.

  33. trigimper Says:

    Curling participants worry me not one iota…people who play Hurling however are very frightening indeed (and I played Rugby for 20 years).

  34. The Guv'ner Says:

    I think I’ve played Hurling before. Over the toilet after several pints of ale. :):)

  35. trigimper Says:

    It pretty much ends the same way, with the snot being beaten out of you.

    It should be renamed – we know there is a ball here somewhere, but why not just beat each other with big sticks for fun.

    Come to think of it, that sounds like an MP in one of those dungeons of ill repute in London..

  36. doorknob_dan Says:

    Curling and bagpipes go together like bagpipes and golf.

    If you insult bagpipes, you insult curlers everywhere. I swear, you guys are going to make some skip’s hit list. Those guys will come at you with their brooms and you’ll be sorry.

    Trust me on this!

  37. The Guv'ner Says:

    Dan: I AIN’T SCARED OF NO CANDY ASS CURLERS! Pah! (locking my door now)

    Tri: Remind me never to try hurling (the sport). Never.

    Baroness: I’m a clandestine Paddywhacker. It’s part of my “the Scots are supreme” campaign.

  38. trigimper Says:

    Those curlers know where they can shove their brooms…sideways πŸ˜‰

    Paddywhacking, hmm now there is a subject that fair warms the cockles of my heart πŸ˜‰

  39. So@24 Says:

    I never see the big deal about this day.

    I wore a baseball tee that consisted of blue and white. Suck it, everyone.

  40. Suze's Sass Says:

    Tag my little Scottish lassie!

  41. The Guv'ner Says:

    Tri: You are pretty violent for a meek Englishman you know! But i like the way you think.

    So: You, young man, are my hero of the week. In fact, if you’d been picking off leprechauns with an Uzi you would only be marginally more heroic! yup!

    Suze: oh jeeze….what?

  42. pghrugbyangel Says:

    My mom is Irish. Her brothers & sister and parents were born there. She was born in Scotland. I was born here… We LOVE making FUN of people at St. Patrick’s Day. I have never, ever been to a St. Patrick’s Day Parade. I have never done the green beer, drink all day thing. And I’m 32. I have a day job but work at a bar every other weekend. AND St. Patrick’s Day if I am able. I love the extra time to laugh at the people pretending they are Irish. Mom likes to say I’m more irish than a huge group of them put together.

  43. The Guv'ner Says:

    pghrugbyangel: See I figure that’s true because the posers laughing it up on St. Pat’s while clad head to toe in green and wearing stupid hats are just wannabes. Real Irish people wouldn’t be so crass. I bet working in a bar though is pretty great people watching at such times. Just not so fun if you get any overly intoxicated ones making a nuisance of themselves and barfing green beer on the floor. πŸ™‚

  44. katrocket Says:

    If it’s not Scottish, it’s CRAP.

  45. trigimper Says:

    Kat – Unless its the Scottish Rugby team…then it which case it is crap personified.

    Guv – you forget that while I may have been born in England that I was made from Irish and Scottish parts (Mother and Father respectively). I have that t-shirt for my son “Made in America using British parts”

  46. Diane Mandy Says:

    I use to waitress and bartend at an Irish pub on Saint Paddy’s. Talk about madness. This year I didn’t wear a hint of green. Bah humbug indeed!

  47. Jon Says:

    The only thing worse than St. Patrick’s Day is Arbor Day. Those damn trees can kiss my ass.

  48. Chardsy Says:

    St. Patty’s Day is like Halloween and New Year’s Eve: just an excuse to get drunk and over hype your plans so no one really has any fun anyways.

    I was in my PJ’s by 7:15 with a non-green frosty libation in hand.

  49. The Guv'ner Says:

    Kat: You SEE? Is that so hard a concept for people to get? I think not.

    Tri: You are correct. Damn, I was hoping to torment you with English jokes too. Always foiled.

    Diane: good for you. Next year we should all wear blue or something to completely fuck with everyone’s heads. Of course those Irish dudes are fierce so maybe we’ll do it SECRETLY…

    Jon: Damn straight. What have trees ever done for anyone? Well, except provide lovely paper products and wooden things. Like Hugh Grant’s acting abilities. Of course, they provide oxygen as well and oxygen is quite important. Or is it carbon dioxide? Or…I don’t know…arsenic? Biology was never my strong point. Clearly.

    Chard: Once again you make me proud. Plus come on, there are MUCH better alcoholic beverages than green beer. In fact, that’s an abomination on beer. That should be illegal. In Ireland it probably is. They don’t like wasting good alcohol over there.

  50. trigimper Says:

    Just as a point of order, they put the green stuff in Miller Lite, which isn’t a real beer to begin with, so I’m not sure green beer is really a foul.

    Come to think of it, the green stuff might make it taste drinkable..

  51. pghrugbyangel Says:

    Um, yeah, about working in the bar on St. Pat’s and stupid people? One of those stupid people DID puke green. In the men’s room. Smarty pants got both the urinal AND the toilet. Which are two feet apart. Morons.

  52. The Guv'ner Says:

    Tri: As someone who can’t tell one light beer from another pretty much I’ll take your word for it!

    Pghrugbyangel: I get the distinct feeling that people don’t tip enough for THAT cleaning service. Effing GROSS.

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