Easter Means Chocolate

Happy pre-Easter, if Christianity’s your thing!

However, if you’re a Godless heathen like me you appreciate the wonderful miracle that is chocolate eggs. Cadbury’s Creme Eggs in particular. When Mr. Cadbury or whoever, invented those little pebbles of sheer joy, someone should have immediately presented him with a medal of honor or something equally appreciative. The same goes for Cadbury’s Caramel Eggs – AKA “the caramel orgasm”. I’m overjoyed you can get both these Easter items in the United States fairly easily these days, because this eases my mind and pent-up aggression greatly. Now I just have to find a Cadbury’s Mini Eggs provider in NYC and I might become very happy indeed! A chocolated Guv’ner is a happy Guv’ner, this is something to never forget, because one day it could save your life.

What the significance of chocolate eggs is at Easter, I have no earthly idea. Maybe it was a giant chocolate egg that blocked the door to the cave where they buried Jesus? Maybe Jesus, awoken from death and a bit hungry and cranky at being locked in a dark cavern, ate his way through the chocolate to freedom? Even if this isn’t exactly how the resurrection occurred, I am prepared to stand behind the theory as “credible” purely because I like it. Besides, wouldn’t that just be a much more awesome story?

Someone should absolutely combine commercialism and religion and market a solid chocolate Jesus. I’d be all over that.

This just in: The Dark Uberlord is senile. He asked me for a bunch of details yesterday which I not only went over with him, but also printed out a copy and gave it to him. Today he has no recollection of either of those things. And somehow I am not at all surprised.


36 Responses to “Easter Means Chocolate”

  1. Louise Says:

    They DO make chocolate Jesuses (http://chocolatefantasies.com/religious.htm)
    You can even have a chocolate Jesus on the cross on a lollipop!

  2. doorknob_dan Says:

    You mean you can’t get Cadbury Mini Eggs in the most important city in the galaxy?!? (Well, next to Zeta-Gamma-Beta in Alpha Centuri.)

    I can go across the street and send you 40 bags of them if you’d like?

    Can you imagine Jesus’s sugar crash though? “Thou hath ALL sinned and will perish in a fiery inferno wherest rats will eat thine eyeballs unless someone dost get me some caffeine NOW.”

    Everyone would be avoiding him: “Shhh, hey, stay away from His cubicle – man, he had WAY too much sugar this morning. Someone forward him a funny email or something!”

  3. The Guv'ner Says:

    Louise: OMG I need to get me a Jesus to nibble. Then I will have the conundrum of “which end do I eat first?” That is just AWESOME, thanks for the link!

    Dan: Haha no. I mean I know you can get them I just haven’t found somewhere who has any! I had a Creme Egg last night though. Things are so good they make me feel all shiny and new. Damn you though. It’s entirely your fault I even have a Mini Egg craving.

  4. Falwless Says:

    Cadbury’s Creme Eggs are the most disgusting chocolate treats ever. Well, next to Whitman’s Sampler chocolates or Hershey’s. Blech.

    Sorry, but, FAIL.

    I like the chocolate Jesus. It would go well with my magnetic dress-up Jesus on my fridge.

  5. Red Says:

    This one time, I ate like 10 Cadbury Cream eggs in one sitting. Those things are like crack.

  6. The Guv'ner Says:

    Fal: I’m sorry, what? How come you never mentioned that you had no tastebuds before? Those creme eggs are straight from Heaven. You need to be educated on acceptable chocolate treats, missy. I am almost speechless here.

    Red: YES! They ARE crack. That makes more sense than you will ever know. You have to bite off the top and stick your tongue in there to get the creme. YUM.

    Is it just me or did that sound obscene? Ok then.

  7. doorknob_dan Says:

    Mini eggs are manna from heaven. The Isrealites wouldn’t have wandered the desert for forty years if they’d have been sugared up on these things if God had rained them down instead.

    I say ‘these things’ because I have one little bag of them sitting here still. I’d hate to have to run across the street and get more. Every year I fret about them stopping selling the eggs – is it like the day after Easter or a month later?!?! Ack!

    M&M’s have some sort of newfangled speckle chocolate kinda competing things now, but I know nothing could come close to the crisp little outer shell and smooth chocolate inside of the Mini Egg.

  8. Franki Says:

    “Holy Crap!” she said confusedly, realizing that da guv’ has two blogs or an impersonator or a parallel universe.

    i have to agree with falwless here. a chocolate egg with a realistic-looking zygote is just too much for my senses.

    i like those reeses peanutbutter eggs tho…enough to eat them until i vomit.

  9. The Guv'ner Says:

    Danny: You’re doing this deliberately aren’t you? SOB. WANT MINI EGGS NOW. And yes you should absolutely stockpile them for the months ahead when they don’t exist!

    Franki: I will ignore the egg comment, you philostine.:)

    And yes, I am omnipotent and omnipresent. The Interwebz are mine *evil laugh* It’s funny cos this is the main one and no one really knows about the other one. Trust you to be all backwards.

  10. CDP Says:

    If you’d ever tasted a Zitner’s Cream Egg (a Philadelphia thing), you’d know that Cadbury Creme Eggs are vile. (But Falwless needs to put down the crack pipe before she starts on my beloved Whitman’s Samplers.)

  11. Suze's Sass Says:

    I think you should market the Dark Uberlord’s WorkPlace chocolate. It could be a head shape made out of chocolate – empty inside. It would be a huge hit.

    I like your theory about chocolate and Jesus. Makes sense to me.

  12. The Guv'ner Says:

    CDP: This is shaping up to be the Chocolate War of 2008! πŸ™‚ I appreciate your comment but you obviously hit your head or something if you seriously believe there’s something better than a Cadbury creme egg. Of course I haven’t tasted the Zitner’s so I can’t accurately say you’re talking out of your ass, but I SUSPECT IT. I mean, BETTER than Cadbury? Are you insane? Clearly, yes. You are.

    Suze: I think you might have something there. In fact if it was true to life that hollow head would be filled with like….cheese or something. Man is dense. πŸ™‚

  13. Gnugs Says:

    Oh dear lord. I forgot about EGGS! Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. I’m allergic to chocolate. Damnit! You had to go and remind me that Cadbury existed, didn’t you!

  14. The Guv'ner Says:

    Gnugs: *silence*

    You are….what? Allergic. To. Chocolate. My God. You poor, poor woman. Is there a charity helping you with your problem because I would donate to that. I am so sorry. How truly awful. I believe it is decreed that disasters are classified as:

    Acts of terrorism
    Earthquakes or volcanoes
    Allergies to Chocolate or cake

    I just…don’t know what to say.

  15. BeckEye Says:

    I generally don’t like things with gooey stuff inside them. There are, of course, a few exceptions.

  16. The Guv'ner Says:

    Beckeye: Like MEN. There, I went there.

    God, I want more chocolate. I am a chocolate monster today.

  17. Teri Says:

    I will have you know that upon reading this blog entry and all of the comments I was FORCED to go to the nearest store and buy a cream and caramel Cadbury egg.

    What kind of brain washing skills you got going on around here, missy?

    p.s. my favorite is the Reeses peanut butter eggs. I love eating them until I almost puke, as well. Good times.

  18. Gnugs Says:

    Ok. I went and bought and egg. And ate it. Now I don’t feel good. (But it was worth it.) πŸ™‚

  19. trigimper Says:

    I have (well had) two bags of the mini beside me this week, along with a Yorkie and a bag of cola cubes !

    Guess who was passing the British Pantry this last weekend ?

    I’m not fancying the chances of my son’s big Cadburys Easter Egg making it all the way through to Sunday πŸ˜‰

  20. gizmorox Says:

    Mini-eggs are the greatest things on the planet! Oh my goodness, they’re so perfect.

  21. The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: Says:

    The Cadbury Mini Eggs are the best Easter candy ever. I don’t even know how M&M’s stays in business with those things around and why can’t we have the Mini Eggs all the time?? It’s cruel to only dole them out to us at Easter and then make them so difficult to find.

    Cadbury now also makes Orange Cream Eggs that are my new favorite in the Cream Egg department.

    It seems kind of like a nice switch that your boss is now the one who has no idea what YOU are talking about. To cause more freqent confusion I think you should just start talking to him as if you are in the middle of a conversation you’ve been having for awhile.

  22. The Guv'ner Says:

    Teri: I have a commission with Cadbury’s you’ve found me out! I think they could employ me as a chocolate tester, I’d be down with that. Buy those eggs. They’re good for you. Actually, I placed subliminal messaging in my blog entry saying “BUY CADBURY!”

    I see that it works.

    Tri: Does everyone have mini eggs but me? This is far from fair. I miss those big eggs with the sweets inside that we had in the UK. You know the ones.

    Giz: I agree. They are to die for. And I need to find a supplier soon or I will get very angry. And you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Grr.

  23. The Guv'ner Says:

    Gnugs: Ha! Converted. Just believe they are calorie free and live in bliss. πŸ™‚

  24. Baroness von Bloggenschtern Says:


    If you want a Mini-Egg pusher, I’m your gal. Forget DD with his taunts (I’m really sorry – all us Canadians aren’t like this…). I’m the real deal, baby.

    Just drop a line & I’ll hook you up. Yeah, the first bag’s free…

    (BTW, to weigh in – ha! – I totally groove on the Cadbury Caramel Eggs, although having to catch that trail of goo that oozes out when you bite in makes me feel like kind of nasty)

  25. doorknob_dan Says:

    Hey, I’d *for real* send Guv whatever she wanted! 10 bags? Nooo problem!

    ‘Cept warm weather, screw that. I’m keeping that up here whenever I can. I live in Winterpeg – if anyone deserves nice weather it’s us.

  26. Bert Says:

    Is there any movement towards totally wrapping up the culinary adventure that is Easter by marketing chocolate covered scalloped potatoes and Honey-Baked Hams?

  27. The Guv'ner Says:

    Baroness: are you also confirming the crack like properties of the eggs? I think if EVERYONE would just hook me up I’d be rolling in the things and happy forever. I’d have a whole room full of them like those rooms full of balls at IKEA!

    Dan: I’ll give you a dollar (American) for anything over 20 degrees C. Thing is, I’m more likely to get that first so maybe you can pay ME a dollar (or some mini eggs) and I’ll send YOU some.

    Bert: Why no there isn’t, but I say get marketing it now and you could retire by Christmas! I mean I’m perverse enough to try those. Well if I ate meat I would. Chocolate tofu sounds kind of nasty however…

  28. MsPuddin Says:

    I had no idea Christianity had so much to do with chocolate and had such a tasty filling. Maybe I will go to church…hmmm * pondering *

  29. The Guv'ner Says:

    Miss P: I would go to church but i have a feeling I’d spontaneously combust the second my heathen, chocolate lovin’ body entered.

  30. trigimper Says:

    Yep..those big eggs are what I got for my son and ex – the heathens had never seen one. So got Cream egg, diary milk, yorkie and black magic ones. Like I said, I love the British Pantry πŸ˜‰

  31. odalisques Says:

    The small town I’m from has many local confectioners who make chocolate crucified Jebuses for Easter. It’s the kind of place where at Christmas there’s pre-made cakes with ‘Happy Birthday Jesus’ iced on top. It’s an irony-free zone.

    But, it is near Ground Zero for Wilbur buds (http://www.wilburchocolate.com), which are not only delicious beyond human understanding but also pack the caffeine punch of three espressos each. My mother mailed us a kilo bag, and I haven’t needed to sleep in two ambrosial days.

  32. The Guv'ner Says:

    Tri: Goddamn. I am drooling. I did manage a Cadbury’s caramel egg yesterday though. And it was like chocolate porn.

    Odalisques: Those wilbur buds sound amazing. Delicious AND with a caffeine punch? Yes please! I love your town’s policy on Jesus. “Sure we’ll celebrate him but we’ll also eat his holy ass!” And why not? πŸ™‚

  33. odalisques Says:

    They do mail order: http://www.wilburbuds.com/docs/category/wilburbuds.html πŸ™‚

    Anyway, you’re in NYC, right? Statistics suggest someone you know is taking a shopping trip down to Lancaster every 30 seconds. At least the place was always knee-deep in New Yorkers stalking the Amish when I was a kid. Someone around you will know of Wilbur chocolate and have a stash in their desk.

  34. The Guv'ner Says:

    Odalisques: As a matter of fact I have a friend right here in NYC from that area of Pennsylvania. I’ll see her tomorrow so I’m going to ask her about this Wilbur business. πŸ™‚ I’m all about the chocolate so I’m willing to give it a decent try. Especially if there are chocolate Jesus’s to nibble.

  35. pistols at dawn Says:

    Sometimes, I leave a trail of jelly beans leading to my junk. Usually, I measure it out so ladies will be going into a diabetic coma just as they reach me.

  36. The Guv'ner Says:

    PAD: Sometimes – not often but sometimes – you just release too much information. Yet oddly enough, nothing you said there surprises me.

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