Russian Pie

This morning I got to the Russian Consulate at 8:45 a.m. to wait in a big line with people talking in tongues, to get the Uberlord a Russian visa. The Russians, I have to point out, are in no rush whatsoever. Years of communist queuing for just about everything has rendered them line-lovers. They love to stand in a line and will happily do it all day long.

Well ok, maybe “happily” is not the right word. “Grouchily” that might be the word. Or “begrudgingly”.

People kept asking me things in Russian and since the only Russian I know involves Boris and Natasha going to the opera and a smattering of ways to tell someone their mother fucks pigs, I was a little stuck for conversation.

The guy directly in front of me in line was hugely tall, wearing a fur hat and smoking a cigarette. From every orifice! He was probably named “Boris” or “Vladimir” and worked in a chemical plant. He was like the guy you’d draw in a cartoon to represent a stereotypical Russian, minus a great big sickle on his hat. If he had a bottle of vodka in his inside pocket it would be spot on. In fact, I’m pretty sure he did. I think it’s illegal not to for Russians or something.

The guy behind me was excitable and elderly – a formidable combination in any language. He was muttering in Russian at the speed of light. I have no idea what he was on about. He might have been drunk off his ass or high for all I know. “I like fairies! You are a doughnut! I am an multidextrous octopus!” Who the hell knows? I’m pretty sure at one point he said the word “womanator” which was slightly alarming, but I could be mistaken. Maybe he just doesn’t like the ladies? Either way, I steered well clear of that guy. Womanator indeed.

The officials inside, when I eventually got past the door, were surly as all hell. Maybe they all had partaken in a touch too much Stoli last night? The woman who processed my claim was like a Russian fembot with no facial muscles. She looked like she ate Americans for dinner with a side order of spite. Phew! Lucky I’m European, huh!

I hate to bring everything back to pies, but this is my breakdown of Russians in a nutshell. Or a pie, to be more exact.
You can totally quote me on that in any official capacity you please.

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35 Responses to “Russian Pie”

  1. Dan_McSmashyPants Says:

    Hahahaha, smoking cirgarettes from every orifice! I need to try that.

    By the way, there’s another small fraction of Russian people that is very old and will stalk you and send you dirty emails. Not sure if you’re familiar with that portion yet.

    So did you see stainy-head while you were there??

  2. The Guv'ner Says:

    NO! But honestly, I thought I saw Bob Hope at one point! Then I remembered he was dead. Or is he? Maybe he’s just been living in the Russian Consulate for years. Maybe I’ve discovered some classified information. Bob Hope is a secret agent. That info might well get me killed.

    Those dirty emails? Does that mean it’s old Russian guys sending those penis enlarger ads?

  3. mindy Says:

    I loooove stereotypes that are actually real. On my first date with the Russian guy I’m dating, I believe I said something like, “so, what’s your favorite brand of vodka?”

    I am awesome.

  4. Dan_McSmashyPants Says:

    Bob Hope is a zombie!

    Is he dead? Jeeze, all I remember is that he had really red eyelids at one point then…nothing. He very well could be a Russian.

    Not sure about the penis enlarger ads coming from Russians. When I respond to the ads with my money, my credit card statement always shows a Nigerian corporation accepting my money.

    Funny thing is, I keep ordering the damn things and they never send them. I guess I need to keep on ordering?

  5. The Guv'ner Says:

    Mindy: dude…it has to be asked. I mean I hear they beat you with a hammer if you present them with Smirnoff or something common like that. Contrarily, if you make your own homemade version from potatoes and an old sock, they’ll probably marry you.

    Danny: I hear the Nigerians are world class penis enlargists. They’re probably just waiting till they get the product just right and custom made for you. Sometimes you need special tools for Canadians with tiny weeners, so this is a special service that takes longer.

    Please resend me your credit card information and I’ll pass it right along.

  6. Dan_McSmashyPants Says:

    Okay, but please put on RUSH delivery. I have a movie to film.

    Also, it’s the cold weather that makes it … nevermind.

  7. lengli Says:

    That is quite possibly the most useful pie chart I have ever seen – my inner Russian mail order bride (Svetlana) is smirking without moving any of her facial muscles. Please consider making more in the future!

  8. The Guv'ner Says:

    McSmashypants: I figured it out now. You live in Canada where it’s COLD so you have an EXCUSE. Ha.

    Lengli: I could make pie charts all day about everything. Someone needs to employ me as a pie chart maker! I am guessing Svetlana is surly and probably has frosted tips in her hair and a nylon track jacket. Am I right? I know I’m right…

  9. Chardsy Says:

    Don’t Russians eat their morning cereal with vodka? Who needs milk when there is Stoli?!

  10. The Guv'ner Says:

    Chard: Of course they do! Did you even need to ask? They substitute “snap, crackle and pop” for “snap, crackle and pass out”.

  11. BeckEye Says:

    This whole post was funny, but just the word “surly” tickles my funny bone to no end. I love how certain words have that effect on me.

    One of my many names that I’ve created for nonexistent bands is The Misguided Russians. There’s a long, boring story behind it, but the name is gold. Maybe the Surly Russians would also work.

  12. The Guv'ner Says:

    Beck: I know! It’s one of my favourite words. Plus it sums itself up so well. And they WERE surly. And burly. Surly and Burly.

  13. Falwless Says:

    Zapišite, požalujsta vy govorite po-russki skol’ko eto stoit?

  14. The Guv'ner Says:

    Fal: I could NOT agree more. Seriously.

    I think.

    WTF? 🙂

  15. lengli Says:

    If I had the means and the venture capitalists, I would totally employ you as a pie chart maker. How do you know what Svetlana looks like? Have you been watching when she’s making her famous borscht and listening to her favorite industrial techno tracks?

  16. Falwless Says:

    Oh snap, if you only knew how bad of a BURRRN that last comment was*!

    I’m on FIRE!

    * it’s possible I have no idea what the hell that comment said

  17. The Guv'ner Says:

    Lengli: I wasn’t going to release this information JUST yet, but I am actually God and I control everything.

    Fal: Here’s my translation: “I totally zapped a Polishman on his damn poor Russian head with a skiboot and stole his wallet”.

    It doesn’t even make SENSE, woman.

  18. trigimper Says:

    I must be not very busy today as I tried to roll Fal’s comment through Babelfish, which didn’t think much of it.

    Suffice to say it seemed to involve Geese, an umbrella and something I am not sure is anatomically possible.

  19. The Guv'ner Says:

    Tri: dude, since it’s FAL I’m thinking your translation is SPOT ON!

    Plus I’m thinking that’s more Polish than Russian that comment she made. She’s trying to be tricky.

  20. doorknob_dan Says:

    It’s Serbian/Croatian. She’s way off! And probably drunk.

  21. The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: Says:

    How weird as I spent my afternoon researching and coding products that will eventually cause roll on deodorant to be produced and shipped all over Russia. It will help hide the cigarette smell.

    Anyhoo… spent a lot of my day thinking about Russia.

  22. Red Says:

    I wish I were Russian. I need an excuse to carry Vodka at all times.

  23. gizmorox Says:

    You are freaking hilarious. That is all.

  24. The Guv'ner Says:

    Dan the Mangina: All those slavic languages sound the damn same. Although, yes she’s probably sloshed on the vodka.

    Lady: I subconsciously knew this and sent Russian vibes your way. And some vodka. And a cabbage.

    Red: You could get a nasty cut at any time so it makes sense to carry vodka around. You know, to disinfect with? And if you don’t get all cut or grazed, well it’s a shame to waste it, no?

    Giz: Where have you been, woman? In the bar it sounds like…

  25. Frenchie Says:

    Are the French and the Russians related??? Minus the fur hats, every person in that office could be French. Love the pie chart, by the way.

  26. The Guv'ner Says:

    Frenchie: The French are more haughty than ornery I think. Although I could be wrong and judging by your name you probably know way better than I, mademoiselle! Substitute the fur hats for BERETS! 🙂

  27. Suze's Sass Says:

    I always turn to you, Guv, for all my information. By the way, love the pie posts. Can I have ice cream on mine?

  28. The Guv'ner Says:

    For you miss Suze, anything. As long as it’s not banana cream pie. I don’t do banana things. Except bananas, I like those! I’m obtuse.

  29. BeckEye Says:

    By the way, I forgot to tell you that one of my favorite pasttimes is to go out drinking and talk in a fake Russian accent all night. I know, I’m probably an alcoholic. Either that or just your garden variety idiot.

  30. Sheena Gates Says:

    I still have a girl crush on you.

    The pies are fucking brilliant!

  31. trigimper Says:

    ON the Russians, and remember I live out in the burbs, quite a bit outside DC. Yet there are 3 Russian grocery stores within a two mile radius. They are always packed with Boris, Svetlana and Natascha, invariably in matching fur ensembles. Yet I never see these people anywhere else, where do they go, where do they work ?

    I swear they fly them in and pay them to stand in the stores.

  32. The Guv'ner Says:

    Becks: I don’t know man, that sounds like a good time to me. Plus Russian accents are fun to do. Lots of deep voiced R rolling an sounding serious. I might have a “talk like a Russian” day one day soon.

    Sheena: You’re probably still suffering from that brain virus you didn’t know you had! 🙂

    Tri; They’re from “RENT A RUSSKI” in Arlington. You pay extra for an authentic one in a fur hat.

  33. gizmorox Says:

    I was in Fayetteville! It’s like a wasteland, honest 🙂

  34. The Guv'ner Says:

    I totally forgot! I laughed when I read that. You were so full of hope for the place beforehand too! 🙂

  35. peter Says:

    Hi nice blog. In Russia, market their home land as ‘Beautiful one day, perfect the next’, and this slogan could apply equally to the state’s adventure activities.What is procedure for russian visa

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