Archive for April, 2008

Checking In

April 30, 2008

I’m getting far too used to this no boss business. In fact, if someone would just pay me NOT to work for a live person I’d be all set because I can seriously handle chair swinging, playing games, chatting online and sitting with my feet on the desk all day, every day. No, I can! It’s dirty work but someone has to do it, so you all don’t have to. I hope you remember that at Christmas time and compensate me accordingly.

One thing I am not enjoying is the daily slew of needy Uberlord emails asking me to arrange future trips for which, as usual, he sends no real details, his asking me to schedule hair appointments, have cars pick up his wife and have a minion clad with a silk sponge to wipe his arse upon his return. I mean I am NOT HERE TO WORK, Uberlord, are you delusional? This is supposed to be two weeks of you-free time where I get to relax and create mayhem. You are eating into my me-time. Do I call you in Europe every day asking you to send me croissants? No!

I’m having weird memory issues today. I found some stuff I did yesterday (?) and have no recollection of completing, but it is complete therefore, I must’ve been half asleep and under the impression I was supposed to work. I was quite clearly insane at the time (working when the UL is away? Please.) I was almost as confused as the time at my old job when I switched around several of the keys on Mr. Panty Waist’s keyboard after suffering a stupendously unreasonable day with the giant tool. The old assmuncher was in a state of flux for weeks, trying to email people using & instead of @.

Damn, it was awesome.


The Guv’ner Is A Touch Delirious

April 25, 2008

I woke up this morning still tired. Had a nice, long, therapeutic stretch. Briefly thought, “Wow it’s pretty sunny out there today, I don’t normally get the sun in here so early!”, sat up, glanced at cell phone that I use as a clock, stretched some more, in a dopey, retarded manner, then gasped and did that huge double take thing, like say you’d just noticed your waiter for the evening was Elvis. You know Elvis? The dead guy with the swivelling pelvis that put the devil of lust into the hearts of 1950s’ teens everywhere?

I leaped out of bed like I was being chased by a fire-breathing dragon. “How can it be TEN O’CLOCK???” I yelled to the cat, who knows a potentially volatile situation when she sees it and therefore went into a sort of Def Con emergency mode and fled under the bed.

I would like to say my alarm didn’t bother going off, however as I use my phone as an alarm and I woke up clutching it in my sweaty palm, I’d wager it probably did and I decided to deactivate its noisy ass and go back to sleep. Jesus.

At least there’s no Uberlord around this week to know. I am, however, dopey as all hell, feel like I have a major hangover and when I called British Airways upon arrival at work to ask for some information for my less Uberlordian boss, I hung up and realized I didn’t understand a single thing they said and had to call them back to ask them again. Oops. This calls for a flow chart:I think the moral here is, “When the Uberlord is away, The Guv’ner will return to a state of undisciplined chaos”. And yes, I realize that “undisciplined” in that sentence is redundant, but I’m a grammar rebel so if you don’t like it….well you can just come here and say that.

Free To Do What I Want, Any Old Time

April 22, 2008

There’s this joyous reverie when one wakes up and realizes that two weeks of Uberlord-free mayhem awaits them in the workplace. I mean it’s like running in several directions at once. What is a person to do first? I’m all giddy with excitement.

– Arrive late with a giant bedraggled bedhead and put my feet on the desk? (ha ha, this doesn’t count because I do this every day)

– Play loud music while drinking coffee and playing Spider Solitaire (Four Suits – you ain’t dealing with no amateur, foe)?

– Grin at people in a most demonic and (un?)customary manner until someone calls security?

– Make prank calls?

– Blog?

– Make copious amounts of Pie charts about trivial nonsense because why should today be any different?

– Nap on couch (again)?

The world is my oyster for the next couple of weeks and if there’s a pearl in it anywhere I aim to find it. For example what does the Uberlord keep in all those cabinets of mystery in his office? Top shelf liquor? A revolver? A ball gag? His Penthouse collection? I’m going to find out!

There is also a pretty fair chance I am going to play racquet ball in there with a whiffle ball set while commentating out loud to imaginary TV audiences about my superior racquet skills as the ball bounces off his $500 framed golfing photo.

Today’s Announcement

April 18, 2008

I’ve spent a delicious morning being stabbed in the kishkas by little Jezebels with pitchforks and making 20 pages of hand-scrawled-by-a-baboon psychobabble into a PowerPoint presentation.

I think you all know my affinity for PowerPoint by now, although usually I prefer to use it in a decidedly non-corporate manner (yes really!). One thing has been bothering me today however, and feel free to fill me in on the answer to this mystery so I can dutifully ignore you, because I actually don’t care:

I have no freaking idea what you do with them so I choose to ignore them and move on with my life and I suggest you do similar.

There was no point at all to this entry but I dedicate it to Gnugs for making me feel guilty about not posting and making the world a better all round place. Thanks Gnugs.

I hope you all have a splendiferous weekend filled with….cake?

The Guv’ner Debates

April 15, 2008

A Tuesday Conundrum for you:

Again, clicky for large version if you’re blind

I’m sleepy. Did anyone get that?

Slice of Sanity Pie

April 11, 2008

This whole week, with the Dark Uberlordian Entity overseas, you’d think I would be having a pleasant karmic office experience, full of good vibes, kicking back with a drink, a snack, some muzak and an attitude of sweetness and light, no? Because I’m all about sweetness and light as you all know. Right? Hello?


Naturally, instead of this state of bliss, I have had four thousand things to do all of equally annoying status. I have planned, mapped, reserved and procured flights, hotels and excursions up the wazoo only to have to change them all several times as his Royal Highness is flighty and keeps an idea in his head about the same amount of time as it takes Britney to home in on a Twinkie.

If you can’t read it you can click for larger version, whiny!

Things I have discovered about myself this week:

  1. I hate Switzerland, the neutral, chocolate-loving, Jewish-Money-Taking, “Can’t decide what fucking language to speak” bastards.
  2. I don’t much care anymore if some spoiled prima donna has to change planes in Miami to get back to NYC. They can suck it and at 4am when they’re in Miami International Airport and I’m tucked in my warm bed snoring, I’m going to sleep with one middle digit fully extended.
  3. No one in the travel department answers the phone anymore when I call. They have caller ID. Even THEY hate the Uberlord. Or wait…maybe they hate ME?
  4. …..nah! That’s ridiculous, I AM CRAZY-AWESOME.
  5. I am invincible and delusional
  6. I like cheese sandwiches a hell of a lot (I already knew this actually!)

The little sanity I have left will be spent this evening drinking what’s left of the margarita bucket in my fridge. Yes, I said “bucket”. You can all just deal with it.

Hope you all have a finger lickin’ good weekend, my peeps.

Plug That Bitch

April 10, 2008

I will no doubt whine a little later, because what’s a day without me whining, huh? No day at all.

Until then, today is my day over at The Stash and I’m attempting to teach you heathens something academic and intelligent (and blatantly untrue). Come on over and find out the true story of Joan of Arc. And yes you are correct, I totally forgot it was that time already and had nothing more juicy prepared. Bite me.

Mondays Are Hereby Illegal

April 7, 2008

I spent all weekend deliberately avoiding my work email, like I do every weekend, because hello, it’s the weekend and I refuse to do anything work related no matter how conscientious that might be, at least until someone pays me a shit of a lot more money than I make now or presents me with a truck loaded with gold bullion.

…Although what would you do with that? Is there somewhere you can cash-in bullion for like…dollars, or do you have to melt it down in your garage and trade it to a Mexican druglord named El Jefe, for heroin? Either way it sounds complicated and might involve much money laundering and shenanigans.

I knew however, that I would come in today to a positive influx of Uberlord emails from the other side of the world, demanding I do vague things he can’t be bothered explaining or complaining about things I already did that weren’t to his liking. And I have to say I was not disappointed.

OK, I WAS disappointed – I’m constantly disappointed – but I was right. A dozen emails featuring instructions to do things that weren’t explained in any cohesive manner and emails not written in complete sentences. This is no way to start a week when you’ve had three hours sleep. I have a good mind to send one email back saying “LA LA LA can’t HEAR YOU”.

Anyway, he pissed me off enough to make an Uberlordian Venn Diagram:
I feel so much better now.

A Quick Pointless Vent

April 4, 2008

It has come to my attention that when someone tells you they will be in Friday morning but must leave at 1pm, then proceed to still be here at 4:15pm, that I get quite cranky. Especially when said Uberlordian entity is all frazzled and insane (no change there) and demanding in a way that makes me want to test the solidity of his head with a plank. I knew today would be insane but urgh.

1) No I cannot demand Delta fly into a totally different airport in Moscow

2) I can not find you a first class seat when there is no first class even ON the flight

3) I have no fucking idea what the problem is with Hong Kong

4) If the Russians will not allow anyone through security to help you through customs I CAN NOT MAKE THEM. Besides they have like…kalishnikovs. And they’d totally use them

5) If you have to wait in line for an hour at their customs and immigration then you have to do it. I can’t change their damn commie rules or slip a wad in someone’s pocket on your behalf

6) When you force the adapter into the port on your Blackberry, the wrong way up and destroying the little wires inside, rendering the Blackberry completely useless, the Telecom guys will laugh at you and call you a schmuck, there is no way around this, it’s a fact of life.

Drinking at work should be legal just for days like this.

Yeah vent over. How are you guys anyway?

Back On The Chain Gang

April 2, 2008

Well you’ll all be thrilled to know I am back at work. No graphs today or anything fun like that, however, my day so far has been like this:

1) Got in an hour late because I could.

2) Sent an urgent fax to someone 1600 miles away suggesting they hand deliver me a soda in return for a giant Guv’ner sized hug in the off-chance my sweet talking actually can control people and give me ideas for future world domination.

3) Changed some travel arrangements to Rio that were previously to Sao Paulo when the Uberlord realized that Rio and Sao Paulo are actually different places and Brazil is not one big city.

4) Realized I’d left all my money on the dresser at home and had to buy coffee with nickels. Again.

5) Received email from faxee calling me an “ass”.

6) Talked to several severely surly people about spreadsheets.

7) Commenced slacking.

8) Lunch.

I know, you’re delighted I told you this. Well you are WELCOME.