The Guv’ner Is A Touch Delirious

I woke up this morning still tired. Had a nice, long, therapeutic stretch. Briefly thought, “Wow it’s pretty sunny out there today, I don’t normally get the sun in here so early!”, sat up, glanced at cell phone that I use as a clock, stretched some more, in a dopey, retarded manner, then gasped and did that huge double take thing, like say you’d just noticed your waiter for the evening was Elvis. You know Elvis? The dead guy with the swivelling pelvis that put the devil of lust into the hearts of 1950s’ teens everywhere?

I leaped out of bed like I was being chased by a fire-breathing dragon. “How can it be TEN O’CLOCK???” I yelled to the cat, who knows a potentially volatile situation when she sees it and therefore went into a sort of Def Con emergency mode and fled under the bed.

I would like to say my alarm didn’t bother going off, however as I use my phone as an alarm and I woke up clutching it in my sweaty palm, I’d wager it probably did and I decided to deactivate its noisy ass and go back to sleep. Jesus.

At least there’s no Uberlord around this week to know. I am, however, dopey as all hell, feel like I have a major hangover and when I called British Airways upon arrival at work to ask for some information for my less Uberlordian boss, I hung up and realized I didn’t understand a single thing they said and had to call them back to ask them again. Oops. This calls for a flow chart:I think the moral here is, “When the Uberlord is away, The Guv’ner will return to a state of undisciplined chaos”. And yes, I realize that “undisciplined” in that sentence is redundant, but I’m a grammar rebel so if you don’t like it….well you can just come here and say that.

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37 Responses to “The Guv’ner Is A Touch Delirious”

  1. Teri Says:

    God, what a slacker you are.

    Hopefully the coworkers didn’t give you the evil eye upon entering the building.

    but I’m a HUGE fan of sleep and I’ve woken up late many times (some on purpose), so I think you were just in getting more zzz’s on this beautiful, warm spring day.

  2. The Guv'ner Says:

    Haha, thank you! I agree. My head is fuzzy today. I could have slept another four hours easily. None of my people are in today and I don’t work near anyone else so I doubt anyone even noticed. I have coffee now so everyone just better look out in about 45 minutes.

  3. Leonesse Says:

    I would kill to sleep in. Insomnia is my middle name.

  4. The Guv'ner Says:

    Leo: I could sleep all day. My perfect day is broken up into bite sized segments. Awakeness and naps. And cake.

  5. DCup Says:

    Ah, man. So glad that your people are out. I suppose, if you felt guilty, you could skip the nap on the sofa during the rest of the day.

    But really? If the tree falls in the forest and no one is there to see it sleep, did it really come into work late?

    Thank goodness there’s a flow chart for this one!

  6. The Guv'ner Says:

    DC: Right? Because it was such a philosophical and deep entry that the diagram was absolutely necessary or you’d all be like, “What IS she saying? That Guv’ner is just to damn intelligent and high brow for the likes of us!”

  7. Chardsy Says:

    This happened to me the other day. I woke up at 945 and instead of getting up like my bed was on fire I text my boss and said I had a “female thing”. Can you say Checked Out??

  8. doorknob_dan Says:

    So what the hell DO you do with your free time then?

    Do you really have a trained monkey in your office that you dance with like you keep bragging?

  9. The Guv'ner Says:

    Chard: HAHA! Awesome. The female thing works every time. Unless your boss is a woman then maybe… 🙂 So is today the day? You get to walk out middle finger high? I HOPE SO!

    Danny: I told you not to mention my monkey. He’s very SHY.

  10. Falwless Says:

    You know what I like best about your charts? That you don’t even turn off the whole spelling/grammar check thing that makes the wonky lines under the words it finds offensive. It makes it funnier for some reason.

    Also, a little known fact about me: I haven’t used an alarm clock in about two or three years and I’ve never woken up late for work. I am truly a supreme human being and I wouldn’t be surprised if you want to be jealous of me. *nailbuff*

  11. doorknob_dan Says:

    Fally – you’re a frikking mutant.

  12. Falwless Says:

    A mutant is a supreme being. Shut it.

  13. The Guv'ner Says:

    Fal: Haha I know. I did think about it back when I started making them but I like the squiggly red lines. They look more authentic 🙂 Plus who has time for that shit?

    D: She’s still got some of that power from the evil blonde kid photoshop.

  14. mindy Says:

    I wish I had slept in until 10am. I certainly wouldn’t have missed anything important at work – my boss is currently watching TV on her computer. I can’t say I’m doing anything more productive. Well, besides reading up on current aff…blogs.

  15. The Guv'ner Says:

    Haha, I was doing EXACTLY the same thing. Funny that. And also other ultra important things like eating sandwiches and playing with the water cooler.

  16. pistols at dawn Says:

    I guess that roofie was stronger than I intended. Apologies, miss, but it’s probably better that you don’t remember the night, since you hate vomiting continuously.

  17. The Guv'ner Says:

    Dude, honestly, the only image I have in my head is of a penguin and tourniquet. WTF?

  18. Franki Says:

    Ummm…I think that’s “grammer”.

  19. Suze's Sass Says:

    My motto is “if I beat the boss in to work….I’m not late”. It’s served me well for years. That and I have “vodoo queen” on my business cards. I find that stops any and all questions about my timeliness.

  20. The Guv'ner Says:

    Franki: I’m a Brit, therefore, it’s GRAMMAR. You Americans need to honestly step it up a notch when it comes to spelling. Instead of bastardising our fine language.

    Wait, should that be “bastardizing”?

  21. The Guv'ner Says:

    Suze: You always have the perfect solution. And you are correct. I much prefer your logic to the norm. You non-conformist you.

  22. Franki Says:

    Actually, I think the word is “grammor”.

    I wasn’t spelling in American. I was just being retarded.

    Oh maybe that’s the same?

  23. Jon Says:

    You should get a free pass today since it’s Arbor Day. Anyone who showed up on time this morning obviously hates the environment.

  24. The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: Says:

    I’m not 100% sure that anyone would notice if I didn’t show up for work. I’m pretty much unsupervised. But in order to get up every day, shower and leave the house I have convinced myself that someone probably would notice and be quite upset if I didn’t show up without calling first.

    This post has made me want to test it out.

  25. Baroness von Bloggenschtern Says:

    I vote for the pink side, as a)it’s my favorite color, and b)I’m all about maintaining the exquisite by any means necessary. Nap on, girl!

  26. BeckEye Says:

    It’s Earth week. You were conserving energy.

  27. ~:*:*:Pixie:*:*:~ Says:

    I think you made the right choice in sleeping in. Your body obviously needed the rest otherwise, it wouldn’t have happened.

    It’s important for you to experience the healing properties of sleep, dear Guv because people need you.

    How can you be “there” for them if you aren’t “there” for you?

    Take care of #1, the rest will follow.

    *coughcoughbullshitcough*

    😉

  28. Chris Says:

    Lazyass… See, I don’t need more than five hours of sleep a day. Oh, and eight hours at night, of course…

  29. The Guv'ner Says:

    Franki: I didn’t realize you were just being RETARDED, missy. 🙂 hahaha! Idiot.

    Jon: You are so damn right. Environment hating corporate shrews. They should award me the whole month off if it’s for the trees.

    Lady: No one I work with notices usually either which sort of pisses me off because if i knew they wouldn’t care I’d stay home ALL day! Tsk!

    Baroness: As usual I like the way you think and will choose pink. And totally blame it on you when it all goes awry.

    Beck: Correct. You and Jon need to pitch to my bosses about the importance of giving me environmental days off. Or just mental is fine.

    Pixie: You are so, SO correct. In fact the whole word really should just revolve around me and my needs/desires/wants. I aim to rectify this some day when I’m God.

    Chris: Only 13 hours sleep? you lightweight. I could easily manage 20 out of 24. It’s just that what would the world do without me for that long? I’m not THAT inconsiderate.

  30. ~:*:*:Pixie:*:*:~ Says:

    *chin trembling, brow furrowed… stuttering*

    yyyyyou mean… yyyyou mean you’re NOT GOD??????

  31. WendyB Says:

    Gigi the dog likes to hide under the bed during emergencies too. Henry just keeps snoozing on the couch.

  32. CDP Says:

    I wish it was physically possible for me to oversleep. Sadly, it’s not. I have a nearly-infallible internal alarm clock, and in the unlikely event that it failed, I also have 2 small children. I vote for the pink side of the flow chart.

  33. Chris Says:

    To be honest, I’m a miserable insomniac. I haven’t slept more than two hours at a stretch for years.

  34. The Guv'ner Says:

    Pix: Not YET, no. But rest assured, I am working on it!

    Wendy: My cats are full of disdain normally when it comes to “emergencies”. They’re so nonchalant.

    CDP: My internal alarm is pretty spot on mostly, but lately I’ve been keeping weird hours due to restless non sleeping, and have gotten all messed up! Grrr!

    Chris: I go through phases of insomnia where I’m the same way. It’s horrible. I’m like a zombie during those times. Like those freaky dancing dudes in that Michael Jackson “Thriller” video only without the moves.

  35. The Ambiguous Blob Says:

    I get to work after 10 sometimes. I wonder if anyone cares.

  36. The Guv'ner Says:

    Tabbie: I’m very devil-may-care about arrival times. I think they should just be thankful I grace them with my presence at all, frankly.

  37. BeckEye Says:

    I just realized that last Wednesday was “administrative professionals” day. And yet, there are no flowers on my desk.

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