I’m getting far too used to this no boss business. In fact, if someone would just pay me NOT to work for a live person I’d be all set because I can seriously handle chair swinging, playing games, chatting online and sitting with my feet on the desk all day, every day. No, I can! It’s dirty work but someone has to do it, so you all don’t have to. I hope you remember that at Christmas time and compensate me accordingly.
One thing I am not enjoying is the daily slew of needy Uberlord emails asking me to arrange future trips for which, as usual, he sends no real details, his asking me to schedule hair appointments, have cars pick up his wife and have a minion clad with a silk sponge to wipe his arse upon his return. I mean I am NOT HERE TO WORK, Uberlord, are you delusional? This is supposed to be two weeks of you-free time where I get to relax and create mayhem. You are eating into my me-time. Do I call you in Europe every day asking you to send me croissants? No!
I’m having weird memory issues today. I found some stuff I did yesterday (?) and have no recollection of completing, but it is complete therefore, I must’ve been half asleep and under the impression I was supposed to work. I was quite clearly insane at the time (working when the UL is away? Please.) I was almost as confused as the time at my old job when I switched around several of the keys on Mr. Panty Waist’s keyboard after suffering a stupendously unreasonable day with the giant tool. The old assmuncher was in a state of flux for weeks, trying to email people using & instead of @.
Damn, it was awesome.
psycho secretary 
April 30, 2008 at 2:40 pm
I just had a thought (weird, I know):
Wouldn’t it be HILARIOUS if the Uberlord had his own blog about how terrible his secretary is? Wouldn’t that BE SO FUNNY? I’d read it.
Ok, I said I had A thought, not A GOOD thought. I’m tired.
April 30, 2008 at 2:46 pm
Mindy: That WOULD be hilarious, yes. But not for the reasons you think. It would be hilarious because if he could figure out how to access, set up and post a blog because it would mean he’d had a brain transplant.
April 30, 2008 at 3:26 pm
Work done by accident? You’re just THAT awesome huh?
You’re being productive despite yourself! I think you need a vacation.
April 30, 2008 at 3:53 pm
Why aren’t you demanding croissant deliveries?
April 30, 2008 at 4:18 pm
Dan: I KNOW!!! And yes, I am.
CDP: I don’t know. I’m kicking myself. I’m going to email him now with my order and our FedEx number.
April 30, 2008 at 6:06 pm
Incidentally, could you book a trip for my wife to see that popular hairdresser? Thanks.
April 30, 2008 at 8:01 pm
You really are my hero – work and you didn’t even know it. Excellent.
You might start weaning off the afternoon cocktails though before the Uberlord gets back. Take it from me – it’s not easy to try to stop drinking Vodka with my Wheaties on the morning my boss returns.
April 30, 2008 at 8:37 pm
I wouldn’t know what this freedom feels like as my boss NEVER TAKES A FUCKING VACATION. JESUS CHRIST.
Sorry. But seriously–never a sick day, never gone for meetings or training or anything. ALWAYS. FUCKING. HERE.
May 1, 2008 at 2:09 am
My recent memory problems came to a climax (!) on Monday when I kept getting automatic memos from our database telling me that jobs were completed with many errors and I had no recollection of having done them.
I freaked out fixing all these errors and then realized that some profoundly retarded person had mistyped his ID and had been running (profoundly retarded)reports with my user ID.
My memory of it is still a bit sketchy.
May 1, 2008 at 3:18 pm
Pistola: Not a problem. I’ve booked your mythical wife into the mythical hairdresser on May 78th (a totally mythical date). Tips are optional.
Suze: I’ve already weaned myself off the hard stuff. I’m down to beer on my Cheerios. Soon it’ll be Pepsi then I’m good.
Fal: No. That is just WRONG. What an inconsiderate BASTARD!
Lady: Hahaha, are you sure your alter ego wasn’t on the prowl that day, doing bad, bad things???
May 1, 2008 at 5:22 pm
Don’t worry about your memory issues. There was just an article on Yahoo the other day revealing that scientists have discovered that the average person’s short-term memory holds less information than previously thought.
So, anyway…
What were you saying?
May 1, 2008 at 5:57 pm
Oh that’s good to know because I was just…..what’s that over there? Shiny!
May 2, 2008 at 1:35 am
If you actually did that to your ex boss you would be my hero! Just the thought of doing that to old bosses makes me laugh.
May 2, 2008 at 11:31 am
I would never be able to pull off a trick like that cuz I’d be behind his/her chair the whole time sniggering unitl i got fired.
but oh how i wish i was.
May 2, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Chard: I did it! It was actually when I was about to leave forever. My friend, who still worked there told me he was perplexed You’d think since the & has a 7 under it where the 2 should be he’d figure it out but no.
Franki: My only regret was not getting to gloat eternally. Lucky I have spies 🙂
May 2, 2008 at 8:09 pm
On the last holiday my boss took in South America, he started the charming habit of texting me demands on my (non-work) mobile at all hours, since he couldn’t get to the internet. I still twitch every time the phone makes a noise – he’s polluted it!
Forget croissants, demand he bring you back some proper non-American alcohol.
May 3, 2008 at 5:04 pm
The sad part is that when my boss takes a vacation it IS indeed a vacation for me as well, however I find myself constantly pissed that the sumbitch can afford to fly off to Cancun whilst us little worker bees are paid so little we have to walk to work ’cause gas costs too much…
Whine whine piss moan.
May 5, 2008 at 12:08 am
odalisques: Hmmmm…there’s a thought.
HE did what now? TEXTED you on your own phone at odd hours? Holy shit. If my boss ever learns how to do that I will strangle him. Jesus H.
Chris: We should all instigate a 9-5 situation like Dolly and co in the movie. Bosses beware. Then to celebrate we minions should all meet up in Cancun and drink margaritas in the surf. YUP!
May 5, 2008 at 1:24 pm
How dare the Uberlord bother you during this boss free time! SInce you’ve got a little free time, would you mind explaining the not working for a “live person” comment. I mean, aside from not working at all or working for yourself, is there another alternative? And if so, I might need a flow chart for this one.
May 5, 2008 at 8:41 pm
Where are you? Your fans miss you! Write, damnit!
May 6, 2008 at 2:51 pm
Diane: Well I can’t explain it. Maybe I could work for a machine. Or myself. Or an animal. I didn’t say I thought it through but it seemed feasible at the time it spilled out of my brain and onto the page! You crazy Canadians and your questions.
Talking of which:
Dan: A t-shirt with my face on it is in the mail, fanboy. Please send $50 (US). That is all.